I opened my computer this morning, and saw a link to a video on CNN.com – “Cancer Patient Marries in Hospital.” I clicked it open, and held by breath. I knew I was tempting fate by doing so, and putting myself in a position to test my whittled-down strength. It hasn’t been a good last two days for me, but there I was, curious, but ready to hit “stop” if the video got too maudlin.
It didn’t. And I cried.
I cried because, here was a woman, that had been fighting breast cancer, which spread to her brain, and was now in her spinal fluid, and her family was all around her, along with, the man she was going to marry that day. And what I saw was such love – from her mother and her sisters, her young brother (or nephew), who smiled and nodded with certainty that, “This is going to be a good day today,” and of course, from her fiancé. This young woman had gone “through it” in ICU and was looking pretty rough, but her family was there with helping hands and open hearts.
I recognized the look on their faces. It was a love barely contained, a rejoicing in the connection in each other’s lives.
You know, I’m always careful when I talk about my husband’s last days. I’m worried that people won’t understand the preciousness of being there, how it is such a sacred moment. I have since run into quite a few people who have privately shared with me how they considered it a privilege to be with the one they love as they died. A privilege. It’s a love that transcends. It’s like lovemaking with your souls. And it’s a kind of love you’ll never forget.
I saw this in the family on the CNN clip. And I most definitely saw it in the glow of her fiancé. I did have a moment of skepticism when they first started interviewing him. I mean, what are his intentions? Why are they on television, the Internet? Is he enjoying the media attention? But all I had to do was look at his face to know he was sincere. I know this look. His heart was bursting with so much love for this woman. I know this…His love is complete and unconditional. And he was in his truth in a way that few experience often, if ever. And actually, the word “truth’ was tattooed across the top of his wrist as – “Veritas.”
And yes . . . I cried as I watched this. And my heart feels like it’s been stepped on today. But at least it was stepped on by beauty.
How incredible is our capacity for love? Our inordinate ability to love and connect with each other. How we reach out to help the other. And how our hands, arms, and hearts are like bridges that can help our loved ones step from this world into the next. All this transcends this world as we know it.
We truly are souls.
There’s a Rumi poem I love. It was actually one of the first things that helped me to start healing after I lost my own loved one –
“I am so small, I can barely be seen. How can this great love be inside me?”
Here’s a link if you’d like to watch the video –
Cancer patient marries in hospital*
I love that picture of you and Patrick!!! I really think you two have such a beautiful, rare connection. And if any picture is worth a thousand words – the one you’ve posted here is it!!!
As always, you’ve managed to articulate your thoughts so eloquently!
Thank you! 🙂 I hope the rest of your week goes well!!!
It looks like he’s my angel in that photo, doesn’t it?
Yes he does and your his angel
It’s undeniable, Lisa!!! 🙂
I WILL SEE YOU ALWAYS SO ‘……. HIM AND’ ALWAYS WITH YOU ARE SAFE LI
Beautiful the last picture Lisa and the poem is awsome.
Yes, that poem is short, but so powerful.
Hello Lisa,
Thank you for sharing for your Story and Video was amazing.
The poem is beautiful 🙂
Love and Light to you send.
Simone
Good Afternoon Lisa,
I finished your book last week and it took me a couple of days to compose myself when you were talking about your last days and minutes with Patrick, your Buddy. I remember my husband was in ICU and was wanting to go home but with his lung cancer we could not get him off of the respirator because his heart rate would soar up over the 220 beats. Hospice wouldn’t take him because he was on a respirator. The doctors kept telling me there was nothing more they could do for hiim because the cancer had spread from the left lung to right lung and was crawling rapidly up into the brain. Greg’s family flew in from California into Ohio where we live and were with me when the doctor was telling me this. Greg had been on pain medications as you can imagine so was pretty doped up. The doctor told us that the cancer will cause terrible seizures for him once it hit the brain. Of course we were all stunned. He started out with a small spot on his tounge and had all the chemo and radiation. We thought we were fine. Ended that in Feb 05 and he struggled with getting better but got pneumonia they said. It turned out to be the Lung Cancer. It was 6 wk f rom the time we found out until he passed. But I had to make the terrible decision along with the blessings of the family to turn the respirator off. It haunts me everyday that I had to make that decision even though we had talked about not wanting to be kept alive by machines. When it comes right down to it no one is ever prepared to make that call. I fell like I have commited murder and my husband was the victim. I think this is what is keeping me so bogged down in the mountain of greif that I constantly find myself falling back into. I am so glad that you were able to let your Buddy go as God intended instead of having to make the decision to turn off his breathing. Of course they pumped him full of moriphine and valium but I know my husband loved life so much he fought to stay. I whispered in his ear that he should relax because we were trying to get him off the respirator and the he should go find the biggest wave ( he loved surfing he was a California guy to) and surf his heart out. He relaxed and didn’t fight it. As in your book you stated ” Life Sucks” Oh how right you are even though I must have a purpose here that the higher power wants me to complete because it seems like my zest for life left when my Gregger’s left this plane.
Thank you for sharing your life and sorrows with us.
God Bless You Lisa and I hope each day your grief softens.
Rudi
I love what you whispered to him about going and finding the biggest wave to surf. And I hope you remember that you did not make that decision for him to die. You just didn’t want it to be true. One of the hardest and bravest things to do is to pull the plug, but when it’s time to do so, it is an extreme act of love and kindness. And although that kind of selflessness can really bite you hard, it shows just how much you loved him. Bravo to you fro being brave enough to carry that weight for him.
Thank you so much for you kindness and words of comfort Lisa. They are very much appreciated.
impossible to view the video but hey I know ahead of my tears have cast !!!!! I adore this photo of you and Patrick alone it reflects all the love that you were the one al another! c is one of my favorite shows you love happy relaxed ready to face what he has to come ….. those looks that very few couples complicitée access it!! you overcome the ups and downs and had found the key of happiness …. and I think that one day you find yourself …..(. excuse for all my translation)
Dear Lisa,
What a beautiful blog! The story is great.! I will watch the video. I think love is a great thing and we need love to live…
The picture is great…where was it taken?
I read Time of my life and I think it’s so great that you and Patrick are so open about everything. After I finished reading it i couldn’t stop thinking about it. I hope I’ll be able to read your new book soon.
I think it’s also a privilege to be with the one you love when they die. Some people die when their loved ones leave the room while others wait till the moment their loved ones are in the room. Even though they aren’t really ‘there’ anymore they still feel it when somebody is there or not there.
When my aunt was dying, my uncle was there the whole time to hold her hand…when he left the room for 5 minutes to feed their birds he got called back immediately cause she was breathing in a very scary way..he came back and she passed away not long after that. She knew he left the room even though she wasn’t really conscious anymore. I wasn’t there when she died but said goodbye to her..twice…cause after the first time she wanted to see me again.. And she loved Patrick too…she had seen the Dirty Dancing musical in the Netherlands and she said she loved it but it was not as good as the movie..I said because Patrick isn’t playing the part of Johnny, right? And she said: Yup! She found it really sad when she knew he was sick.
For 6 years we knew we she was going to die because of this stupid cancer but when it did happen I could believe it…even at the cremation I still couldn’t believe it. My uncle said when she was asleep, she was still there, when she was in the coffin she was still there…but after the cremation she was really gone…and that was the worst moment. Did you have the same feeling when Patrick died?
Anywaysssss. Thank you again for sharing this with us. I really appreciate it.
Love,
Ineke
The last photo is off the coast of Alaska. It’s called the “Inside Passage.”
Hi Lisa,
Did you find your kitty?
Unfortunately, no. I’ve had signs out, but…nothing.
Wow the story is so special. I know how important it is to share your emotions with people. I lost my mom in March of 95 I was 28 and I was holding her hand when she passed and I got to speak to her hours before she had passed. One of the last things she had said to me is stop your crying. Dor I am so tired. It is a connection that only I will have with my mother. I can not imagine what it is like to loose a husband or a child but I do know how to loose a parent that was your best friend. I not only knew her as my mother but as the person that she was and where she came from. A fighter, a single parent, a lonely women, a great joke teller, wonderful cook. At her funeral her best friend Rita gave me a book. And I at that point in my life terrible to say had not done much reading but I read this book Embraced by the light and at that point I knew my mother who could not breathe was no longer suffering and that I had to let her go. Alone and scared she was always there for me my safety net. I had to let go. I miss her dearly and she never saw me married or has never met her two grandsons that I know she would adore because she had all girls. My two sons have no grandparents and my husband do it all alone with no help at all. We are both parentless parents and that is a whole different story and problem. But I will always cherish the last moments that I had with my mother that will always be between her and I.
I was with my Mother at the beautiful time of her passing. My sister and I had handled her multiple episodes of extreme mental illness for twenty years. Once (due on set at 6:30 AM) I was awoken by the jarring sound of a phone at roughly 4 AM. The police had found her naked (72 pounds) wandering the underground parking area at her apartment. The security man gently wrapped his coat around her and invited to sit and “chat” with him. His name tag read: Garrison! I will be ever thankful to this man and his display of humanity. My Mother had been divorced and widowed twice ( both deaths under unbelievable circumstances.) As a Southerner (New Orleans) she never shared her grief. I always thought that if she could have opened up and shared her stories, pimples, warts and all we might have avoided this 20 year rocky road. The moment of her death was soft and feminine. Her little breath floated out in a little wisp. After several hours, a nurse practitioner told me to open the window! I went to the car ( parked outside her hospice window) and told her to get in the car please! I strongly remember “her” holding my hand as I placed her in the “shotgun” seat of the car and drove her to my sister’s house. On the drive home I saw the world though her eyes! I noticed kids at the park, balloons, doggies, the magic of sunlight! I know she is around! In our grief ( perfectly natural!) we forget to listen to them and believe me, between my Mom and my Dad, they can be funny as hell!
I hope it is OK to share one of my stories. It seems I have had more experiences perhaps than most being with people at that “cross over” moment! I think you are doing a great job of it all!!!!!!!! Love, M
Wow. Love your story.
And you know, we forget these “gifts” sometimes as we go about our day to day grind. It’s valuable to remind ourselves every once in awhile, as you just did with yours. Thank you.
ps. I had a similar experience of “seeing through their eyes” the first time I visited the ranch in New Mexico. It was so unexpected, and wonderful!
Lisa this is a great story & thankyou for sharing it with us! I just found your blog after reading your touching book. I wish I knew you in person -I would give you the biggest hug! Thankyou for having the courage to write!
Kim H
Lisa, thanks for sharing this beautiful story and video. Yes, I cried. It captured so well what “true love” is all about, just like the undying love between you and Patrick. True soulmates. I hope and pray the next few days will be much better for you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other…and remember, your Buddy is with you every step! As always, much love! XX PS. Beautiful picture!
Lisa, what a beautiful article. My late husband, Jack, and I shared the same love the two of you had. He lost his life to PC on 10-2-10. And you are so right in saying how it is a privilege to be with the one you love as they died. A privilege. It’s a love that transcends. It’s like lovemaking with your souls. And it’s a kind of love you’ll never forget. It drew us so profoundly close…..something I will never ever get over. We renewed our vows at home on our 32nd anniversary two days before his death…..how he held on will forever be in my heart and soul – his last and most beautiful gift to me.
XXO – Lisa
Lisa, a representative from the PanCan Organization flew into Florence, SC, last week to meet with me and take me to dinner. She presented me with a packet as to ways I can become involved with the fight against this horrific disease and to keep my husband’s memory alive. I am now making donations to PanCan in his memory – the least I can do for him. Within the last month, I have been in contact with someone (she’s 57) who has been told she has only six months to a year with this disease. Last week, I spoke with another woman whose husband is now in the final stages and it is just a matter of time. When is this going to end? I become so angry. Your book was phenomenal – I cried so many times while reading it knowing that all of my emotions were completely normal and especially being the caregiver. Thank you so much and one day, I wish we could meet. What’s ironic is the fact that in September, 2009, the day when we came home from the Oncologist’s office at which time Jack told the doctor that he was discontinuing all treatment , we heard on the TV about Patrick’s death. I felt so incredibly sad only imagining what you were going through which I later had to find out for myself. This journey has been incredibly painful. We had no children, only each other, so closely bound to one another. Thank you for listening.
Hi, Lisa
I watched that film clip that you recommended. It was very touching. I liked it when the little boy really wanted to make this day a good day for her. It brings tears to my eyes. This was one of their bright moments amid a lot of pain and suffering – a true gift from God.
Joan
Dear Lisa,
a few days ago i received your book.My sister who lives in England bought me it for my birthday.My English is not perfect but i trying to read it and i think it´s very heartbreaking. Thank you for took care of Patrick with such a love that you and Donny showed for him.I can see that Donny is a loving brother for Patrick and a great brother in law for you…..As you are such a great person with a gentle soul though you looks like a strong woman…..Both of you did a wonderful job protecting Patrick.
Buddy is your guardian angel now and i´m sure you can still feel his love.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story wih us.
My love and support to you and to the Swayze family.May God bless all of you
This was such a beautiful story Lisa and thank you for the video link it was so special, it just touches your heart in so many ways and yes as I told you earlier it was so special to be with my hubby too as he past away in my arms not horrific as some people had told me ,but to experience something so calm and sensitive is so had to put into words as it’s as if an angel gently takes them into peace for me as I said before his smile of contentment is still so clear the image never goes but it was a beautiful thing and it really was special to me and whenever I go to the coast I still smile to myself as he had his ashes put out to sea , as his special wish was to swim with the seals and fish which with C,F he was unable to do, and when I see a seal bob up I think its smiling at me as his spirit is out there I just feel it so much.
Well you take care and thank you for your lovely blogs I love to read them and you remember there are many people who have not met you but have got to know you through your beautiful books and we care for you God bless be strong remember small steps you will get there it takes time love Julie xxx
Hi Lisa!
Thanks for sharing this. And thanks for the beautiful pictures.
The ones with Patrick and you is really WONDERFUL!! I love it!
Take care;
alway with LOVE!!
Nadia.
And I just saw the video. And I’m crying and shaking.
I saw love. True love!
What’s love make us do is really amazing and wonderful.
It’s an incredible feeling. The most important feeling in the WORLD! <3
Nadia.
Again – words I can completely feel and relate to, each of yours, not just Lisa’s. When we got to the end of Ed’s battle, I was fortunate enough to be with him for almost the complete 6 days and nights he was in hospice, I’m talking 24/7 – thank you Hospice of the Western Reserve! We went in on a Thursday, late morning, and he passed the following Wed. morning. I only left him on the Monday before he passed to go to the office just to get out of the environment for a little bit and to just let my place of employment know that I probably wouldn’t be back until Ed’s battle was finally over. I will never forget kissing him on the forehead that morning and telling him I’d be back as soon as I could but that he would have a ton of visitors that day – which he did. After I kissed him on the forehead, he puckered his lips for more kisses, I told him he was a greedy fella and he smiled big – by this point he couldn’t speak, but he still smilled, squeezed hands and puckered those lips… I was fortunate to spend those very quiet alone nights with him in hospice and they are more special than I can put into words. The morning he passed, I was holding his hand and telling him how very proud I was of him and how much I adored and loved him. He went away quietly with myself, two of his daughters and a friend at this side. His last breath will always be in my memory and my heart.
These journeys are incredibly sacred… the range of emotions you go through are not something you can explain to anyone who has not dealth with it themselves. Each of you are special, each of you have been on the journey, each of you touch me with your words.
I continue to get stronger each day, I still cry a lot, I still miss my precious Edward every minute, and I know that I will battle PC until my last breath arrives. You are all an inspiration.
Peace – MK
So beautifully said, MaryKaye. We all walk in each other’s shoes. It’s amazing how connected we are when we love and care for another. To share in that journey with others, has been extremely moving and an honor for me.
Thank you for the nice comment. So, I just purchased an iPad recently and last night I downloaded the Amazon ap so I could start getting books on my new & favorite toy. The first book I looked up was your new book… I played around and ordered the “free preview” and proceeded to start reading. Well, needless to say, after only a few pages, I just couldn’t do it – YET. The emotions that welled up inside me were overwhelming and I realized that I am still to raw to read your journey. I’d imagine it’s gonna be pretty close to mine & Ed’s 17 month journey and I’m not ready to “go there” right now.
I was shocked at my reaction – most noteably, my reaction of envy (sounds insane, I know)…. I only had Ed for not quite 6 years – mind you the most incredible 6 years I could have ever imagined…. still, reading the beginning of your book – starting with a 14 year old girl – I was so envious of the amount of time you had together… I was HAPPY for you, don’t get me wrong – but man – how I wish we could have found each other earlier… But, it was not meant to be, and I’ve come to accept that. Ed was a very unhappy man for a very long time. All his friends and his family continue to remind me that he was truly, truly happy for the end of his life – for that, I too, am happy. We gave each other the relationship you can only dream of as a younger person…. You remain in my thoughts and prayers, along with everyone else here!
As always, Peace, MK
What a nice post. I agree, it is an honor…a privilage, to be with your loved one as they pass. A person often wonders, would they rather know or not know when time is up. Although it sounds strange, in a way knowing is a gift. It doesn’t take away the heartache and grief of course, but gives time to say and do, to take in the moments, but along with that I guess is the agony OF knowing the fate ahead. Complicated. I do have faith that the soul goes on and that certainly gives hope and comfort. I’m glad to know you and Patrick had time to cherrish every moment together. I hope for you, that today is a better day.
I really like the picture of you and Patrick. I remember seeing that a few years ago in PEOPLE magazine and commenting to my husband what a nice photo it is. How you can literally see Patrick taking in the moment of having you in his arms. It’s truely a beautiful picture!
Hi Lisa,
thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on that video. I remember sitting with my dad the night before he died-he was in a coma from liver failure, but he was at home, in his own bed and seemed to rest comfortably. As I sat there, holding his hand, I remember thinking about all the good times we’d had as a family and how he used to be our bastion of calm. This night that I had the privilege of sharing with him I hold dear as the most valuable time of my life. We were all there when he died the next morning- my mom, my two brothers and the family dog. And as my dad drew his last breath he sat up and opened his eyes, and his face at that moment was full of surprise (but in a good way)- I almost expected him to laugh out heartily! Then he sank back, the dog left the room, we opened the window so his soul could soar.
I wouldn’t want to miss this experience for the world!
Keep taking step after step, Lisa, and hopefully the next few days will turn out to be better than the past two!
Lisa, I need some help, please. But first – I’m a quarter of the way through your book and want to thank you for sharing your journey. My husband passed from metastatic lung cancer a year ago next month. I don’t know how I’ll deal with that first anniversary but will think about it later.
My most pressing fear, anxiety, sadness is this Sunday… our 18th wedding anniversary. I don’t know what to do with myself. How did you make it through? One moment I think being with friends would be good. Then I think being alone with photos, thoughts and my own emptiness and sadness would be good. This is my grief and I don’t want to share it. Yet, the lonliness is overwhelming.
Thank you,
Alicia
Alica, I’m Barbara. I lost my husband on 10-2-10 from pancreatic cancer…..This past October, his first-year anniversary, which was on a Sunday, I went to church which was so very hard. I came home, shut myself in the house for the rest of the day…..looked at pictures….recalled all of the beautiful memories…..didn’t care to talk to anyone……I cried on and off…..I wanted to feel all of the emptiness and sadness….I wanted to be totally alone although several friends wanted to perk me up…..no way….this was “our day” and like you, didn’t care to share it with anyone. You do what you feel is right in your heart. My husband died two days after our 32nd wedding anniversary. We had our vows renewed at home as weak as he was. He held off dying to get through that day…he was moved to the hospital two days later at which he died that evening. What a beautiful last gift he gave to me – holding on for our anniversary. I pray this will help you…. I will always associate our wedding anniversary with his date of death and that makes it doubly hard.
Ouch. Sometimes I’ve found that the days (or the month) leading up to an anniversary was the tortuous part. The actual day itself wasn’t that bad. And then, I had an anniversary that sailed by, and wiped me out later. You never know.
What I do, do is try to make a new ritual. Something to honor them – whether it’s going to a favorite spot we shared, or lighting a candle and some incense, or getting on horseback and going for a ride in nature. I understand the need to be alone, but I think it can also be good to reach out to trusted friends (as long as they don’t expect you to be good company!), if it’s only to tell them your plans for the day. And think of doing something nice for yourself (your loved one would want that, right?), and while you’re doing it, you can send some loving, beautiful thoughts their way.
Sometimes the only way to get through, is the hard way. And know that all this it will get better, more manageable. Just hang in there!
Lisa, you are so right – I honestly think leading up to the actual anniversary is torture and when the actual day arrives, there aren’t any more tears left and you learn to just deal with the day. I know I am probably speaking for everyone, but your replies on this newly-found website have been invaluable to me…..to at least know that I am normal. It will be 16 months for me next weekend and I find myself missing him more and more. Has anyone felt this way? I was asked to write an article on our journey as a tribute to my beloved husband last year for a local magazine. Would love for you to read it sometimes but wouldn’t know how to forward you the link.
Post the link here! Copy and paste. Or, give enough information to Google it.
And BTW Barbara, I agree with you completely when you said that on these anniversaries “you should do what you feel is right in your heart.” Sometimes we need to stay in bed! And sometimes we need to make the effort. We’re the ones that are doing our best to get from one moment to the next. And only we can know how we can do that.
Lisa, here is the link – you can copy and paste and it should take you into the article – once you get in, you can enlarge the print by using the black bar in the top right-hand corner. I was asked to write this and I sat down and poured my heart out on the computer. Never done this in my life. The Editor of the magazine said she wasn’t going to change one word in it. I was very humbled and I hope Jack would be too. He was quite a guy. Please let me know what you think of my amateur writing. I received so many beautiful comments on it.
http://www.epro2.com/publication/?i=65797&p=80
Hi Alicia, I found having lunch or dinner with close friends help. Also the lead up to the event is worse than the actual event. I would make a plan with friends. Something quiet and nice where you are able to speak of your husband or not.I find this had helped me. I am 3 yrs into it. Hope this helps.
Hi Lisa- A little off topic, but just wanted to share with you…I had shoulder surgery last Friday. Leading up to the operation all my friends gave me well meaning advice on how to handle the pain afterward. Of course I was a little scared and not looking forward to any of it. I just have to tell you that Patrick’s line from Roadhouse jumped into my head “pain don’t hurt”. This thought has kept me calm and focused. Of course there is pain…but his attitude toward facing life’s challenges has changed my outlook for the better. My husband of 35 yrs is taking great care of me. He knows how much I admired Patrick’s “real life” and not the Hollywood hype. I told him why I was doing so well, and he says Patrick gets another star in his book. I would be lost without my husband – can’t possibly feel what you’re going thru. But I thought you might like to know that your husband continues to be a positive element in many people’s lives and that is truly a gift. Now, you sharing personal stories with us is also a gift. Thank you for letting me into your life. I look forward to you blog every day. I read your new book twice – my husband is reading it now. It gives new meaning to the words love and devotion. Thank you.
I have to ditto Ingrid- many of us followed your life-not the glammed up part but the normal part. As a horse lover of Arabs you both sucked me in. When Patrick passed away it was the final push I needed to go get a horse of my very own and stop riding all my friends horses- yes at 44yrs old-not 16. Within a day I found my boy-he’s a QH but I know he came into my life for a reason. He is a very special horse as is you & Patricks love for each other.
My heart goes out to all you lovely people. reading these posts makes me cry. I think im having a crap day and then i read lisa’s blog and all your comments. Makes you realise that my day isn’t all that bad. You all have such love and courage. Thankyou Lisa for posing this wonderful story. I love the photo of you and patrick too. XX
Lisa, Barbara and Eileen thank you so much for sharing. Now that I think about it the anticipation of Christmas without Gary was much worse than the holiday itself. It is still our wedding anniversary even if he isn’t physically here I want to honor our life together…maybe I’ll cook his favorite meal.
“Love making with your souls” – WOW, Barbara, a beautiful way to express those very last moments. When Gary’s last breath blew into my face I recall I inhaled as deeply as I could. This was a gift and memory that will always be with me. We only had three months from the time of diagnosis. A couple of months ago I had an “aha” moment as I realized that from the time we heard “you have lung cancer and it has matastisized to your brain and spine” I went into survival mode. Between radiation, chemo, etc. etc. I had not given myself permission to feel. This time was all about Gary. Even when on Feb. 2 the decision was made to stop all treatment it didn’t register emotionally. Yes, of course, intellectually I knew what it meant to sign the Hospice request and to have a hospital bed delivered to our bedroom. I was numb – out-of-body. And so, I am now reliving those days from my perspective. And, boy, does it hurt!
Yikes, I’m rambling. Lisa, this is the first time I feel comfortable sharing with anyone other than my grief therapist. Thank you for this blog and for shaing your story. Looking forward to the next posts.
Alicia, actually I was quoting what Lisa said about “Lovemaking with your souls” but it was exactly how it felt. Lisa asked for the link to an article/tribute I wrote in Jack’s memory. I would love for you and all of the rest to read it. Just click on that link and it will take you into the article. You can enlarge the print by moving the black bar in the top right-hand corner of the article. We are all on this journey together and it is so very difficult. It will be 16 months for me this coming week, but today has been a “bummer” for some reason – I miss him tremendously, even more as time passes. I love being able to share with those who are on the same journey and who understand.
The link I was referring to is given in one of my notes above to Lisa underneath your post.
Hi Lisa
Just been reading somemore of the lovely heartfelt comments, it makes me feel so honoured to read some of these wonderful stories of courage, as it helps to see such strength and devoted love and caring.
Even though none of us have met I feel happy to share feelings and read others feelings.
Lisa you have through your books and blog brought us all together and I thank you with all my heart as it really does give you heart to carry on, and sharing like this is a great life line of support thank you love and God bless Julie xxx
It is so nice, Julie, to be able to share my feelings with all of you who are going through the same painful road to healing, if there is such a thing. I honestly think this is something one learns to deal with and get through, but you never ever get over the loss….it is so hard to try to relate to others who don’t have a clue as to what I am going through emotionally. Do all of you share the same sentiments? Just need to know I am normal. God bless all of you and the main thing that keeps me going is knowing one day, I know I will be reunited with him in God’s Presence. I can’t even imagine what a glorious reunion that will be. Barbara
Hi Lisa, Today I spent the whole day reading your book,it was a lovely very touching read. It took me right back to last year when I lost my dad. In July one day he was fine the next he couldn’t even stand. He was taken into hospital and after what seemed like endless procedures he was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. It was in his lungs, stomach, neck, and spots of it all over his body . Overnight he lost the use of his legs, his bladder and bowels. It seemed to start effect his brain and became very confused. He started on chemotherapy and he was to get 6 rounds of it 3 weeks apart. He has is first 3 rounds and it changed him completely . He dropped around 30 pounds and could hardly lift his head off his pillow. He also had numb hands and feet, lost all his hair and became very spotty. My dad was a very quiet man who hadn’t many friends and only a sister so he needed me to do all the running around for him. Because he couldnt walk or Stand he had to stay in hospital. Every day I drove the 30miles to the hospital to sit with him. It was very tiring and the cancer and made my dad very selfish and depressed. At times he would shout at me for no reason , he was just frustrated and the cancer and chemotherapy was making him say terrible things. just before his 4th round of chemotherapy he caught a cold and he went down hill from then, within 2 weeks he was getting 2 blood transfusions a day and bags of antibiotic. On the last day I properly talked to him he was going downhill fast and I knew in my heart I was losing him. That evening the doctor phoned and he said that I should come back because my dad had become Critical. When I got there he was on oxygen and could barely open his eyes. He gave me one big smile and tried to say something which I couldn’t hear has he could hardly talk. I sat all night holding his hand talking to him because the nurses said he would be able to hear me. In the early hours of the next morning his breathing became shallow. He put up one last fight when his heart finely gave up, he sat sharply up in bed and opened his eyes, all I could do was hold him and tell him not to hold on and that mum was waiting for him. ( she died of ovarian when she was 43) In some ways it was a relief his suffering was over. I went home and had to take down all his photos and I have been unable to look at them since. His house has been sitting empty and I haven’t had the strength to sort through it. But today after reading your book you have given me the hope to carry on and I thank you so very much. I’m sorry I have been rattling on but writing this has helped he a great deal.
With love and best wishes to you. Lorna.xxxxxx
That mum was waiting on him( she died of ovarian cancer when I was 14). And then he was gone.
Dear Lisa
I just read your post. It’s overwhelming! The way you express your feelings let me feel the love and connection you had with Patrick! And the picture of you both… If you want to reveal deepest love and connection as a picture you just have to show this photo! I love it! And yes, Patrick looks like he is your Angel in that photo. And I have no doubt he is your guardian angel now.
I’ve found that the day of anniversary is the most difficult to me, because it always reminds me very clearly, that already another year has passed without my loved one. ANOTHER YEAR! On one hand it’s like it happened yesterday but on the other I can’t believe – and I don’t want – that time goes by that fast. And especially on the anniversaries I would like to stop time or rather turn it back. But I know, there is no turning back and so I do as you do: always put one foot in front of the other.
Thank you so much, Lisa, for sharing your deepest feelings and your ups and downs with us! It’s really good to know that I’m not alone.
Love and hugs to you
Nicole
Nicole, my name is Barbara Maffett and hope you don’t mind if I send you a reply. After reading your post, I truly feel that I am definitely normal. My husband died on 10-2-10 from pancreatic cancer and I wish also that time would come to a standstill or go backwards…..the longer time goes by means it is that much longer since I have seen him. I dreaded seeing 2012 come because that means a whole year had passed. How long as it been for you? I am dreading 10-2-12 to come because that means it will be two whole years since I have seen him, touched him or kissed him……I wrote Lisa and told her I had written an article in a local magazine as a tribute to my late husband. She asked me to send her the link which I did – don’t know if she ever got around to reading it. If you are interested in reading it, just click on the link below or either copy and paste the address. Once you get into it, you can enlarge the print by using the black bar in the top right-hand corner of the article. Stay in touch because I definitely share your sentiments. Much love, Barbara
http://www.epro2.com/publication/?i=65797&p=80
Dear Lisa,
I hope my English is good enough to describe what your book “Worth Fighting For” means to me. Your wording is so sensitiv, inspiring and caring. It seems as you are sitting next to me and telling the story. Sometimes it makes my sad and sometime smiling. But all the time it gives me hope and the certainty that its right to believe in love and the good in people…….
Thank you so much for this book and that you share your feelings, experiences and your strenght…….
I wish you all the best……
Fondest regards from Germany…
You seem to have a way of putting things that are so hard to express:
“You know, I’m always careful when I talk about my husband’s last days. I’m worried that people won’t understand the preciousness of being there, how it is such a sacred moment. I have since run into quite a few people who have privately shared with me how they considered it a privilege to be with the one they love as they died. A privilege. It’s a love that transcends. It’s like lovemaking with your souls. And it’s a kind of love you’ll never forget.”
That sums up everything I feel about being with my husband when pancreatic cancer took him. I just held his hand and as he took his last gasping breath, I felt a sudden disconnect but a feeling of peace for him. I remember leaving the hospital and thinking to myself, “Why are all of these people just going about their days like nothing is happening? Don’t they know that my husband just died?”
I could never explain to anyone how special it was to be with him. The nurse came in and knew what was happening and she left and shut the door so we could be alone in that moment. It was a most precious moment, sharing that transition with him. His mom was supposed to stay with him that night because I hadn’t been home in 4 days, and she insisted that I go home and sleep. I wasn’t happy about it, but I knew I needed to hug my little dog (that always made me feel better when I did get to steal a few hours to go home) and get some sleep for my own well being. I went home and took a shower and got into bed. I laid there for about 30 minutes and I knew somehow that Todd needed me. I went back to the hospital and Todd died about 6 hours later.
I am glad I was there, but hate what he went through. Todd didn’t go calmly, he died of respiratory arrest. It was not a good thing to see, but I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself had I not been there.
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with the rest of us. The way you express what I am feeling is remarkable.
Bless you and take care!
Hi, Angela, my name is Barbara….we all share a common bond, don’t we? I thank God every day that I was able to be with my beloved husband even at the very end…..holding his hand after losing his fight with this horrific pancreatic cancer. That whole final week was so very humbling for me. How long has it been for you. My husband has been gone for 16 months. It feels like yesterday but forever since I have seen him or touched him. Take care.
Hi Barbara. My husband died 4/25/10. He fought it for 26 months. To make matters worse, my house flooded in the Nashville floods 4 days after his funeral so I was out of my house for 5 months. Things are getting to a new normal for me. The hardest day for me so far is Valentine’s day. Hearing everyone talk about going to dinner with their husbands etc makes me miss him so much more. Todd was 44. How old was your husband?
Hi, Angela,
It was so good to hear from you. I agree with you about Valentine’s Day. …very hard day. Jack died on 10-2-10 after a 19-month battle with PC. I miss him so very much. Ironically, last Valentine’s Day, I bought him a valentine and took it to his gravesite and read it to him….call me crazy, but it gave me comfort. I also bought one for me that would have been from him…..would you believe I looked through all my cards that he had given me over the years and found his last valentine to me on 2-14-10 and it had the same identical verse in it….unreal the way the Lord works. Todd was so young – I am so sorry – how long had you been married? Jack was a “young” 72 and we had been married for 32 years. Actually, all of the holidays are tough – Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Valentine’s Day, his birthday, my birthday especially, and our anniversary which is September 30th and his date of death which was two days later, October 2nd. I feel my life will never be the same without him. I hope the two of us can stay in touch and share experiences….it is hard to find someone who has been down the same road.
As I mentioned in some of my comments above, I wrote an article last year in one of the local magazines sharing our journey. The link is below if you would like to read it. It will give you insight as to what we went through. You can enlarge the print once you get into the article by using the black bar in the upper right-hand corner of the article. Let me know if you are able to pull it up. I thank God every day that he did not have the horrific suffering with this deadly cancer….I prayed for that for 19 months. Thanks for listening.
http://www.epro2.com/publication/?i=65797&p=80
The article is very nice. Todd and I were married for 19 years, 9 months and 4 days when he died. I was a 42 year old widow. Here is a link to his obiruary on the funeral home website: http://www.coleandgarrett.com/obituaries/tribute.html?url=http://stei-23928.tributes.com/show/Todd-Searcy-88406933
The main picture was taken exactly 4 months before he died, Christmas 2009. About 2 weeks after the picture was taken, his kidneys failed and it was the beginning of the end for him, it was one set back after another from that point. We found his in February 2008 because he had jaundiced, and his doctor did a CT suspecting gallbladder problems. He was stage 3 and they did a whipple and chemo and radiation. He was cancer free for 6 months. He lived 9 months after it came back thanks to more chemo and radiation. He was the strongest person I have ever met and I miss him every single day. Such an awful cancer, not only deadly, but very painful. Keep in touch, it is good to talk with you.
Hi, Angela, it was good to hear from you. I read Todd’s obituary and looked at your wonderful pictures. What a treasure. This is the link to my husband’s obituary if you would like to read it –
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/florencenews/obituary.aspx?n=john-w-maffett-jack&pid=145777588
I thank God that Jack was spared a lot of the horrific pain associated with this disease. He was uncomfortable but I never saw him in too much pain…..courageous to the end – never bedridden, except for 17 hours in the hospital. I get through each day as best as I can, but I feel as if I am missing him more and more as each day passes. We had no children – do you? So the loneliness is unbearable at times, especially the evenings. One can just stay so busy. As someone described it, it is like an amputation – one half of me is now gone….how does one function? Let’s stay in touch….this is a very hard road and it is nice to communicate with someone on the same journey who understands. Hope to hear from you.
Todd had all the pain, once his kidneys failed and he had tubes coming out of his back into bags, he started really going down hill. The cancer came back in his spine, kidneys and stomach when it came back so he couldn’t eat and he had a hole in his spine where the cancer was eating it. He was in the hospital for most of his last 4 months. He decided that he didn’t want to die at home, he didn’t want me to have those memories of him dying in our bed. We don’t have kids, but I am blessed that we have a lot of good friends who have helped me so much, especially when the house flooded just 4 days after his funeral. I stayed with one of our friends for 5 months while my house was repaired. I get lonely, but I have a dog and a cat that help. I am getting used to being on my own now. Todd made me promise him that I would be ok when he was gone, and I am doing my best to keep that promise. It is very nice to talk with someone who understands. Thanks!
Angela, I am so, so sorry Todd went through so much pain and suffering. Jack never voiced his opinion if he wanted to stay home in his final days. I am so happy he didn’t. He was in the hospital for only 17 hours…..his Oncologist said the timing was impeccable. Seeing the bedroom where we spent his final week is bad enough – don’t know if I could have taken it if he passed away at home. You went through so much with all of the flooding problems afterwards. Can’t even imagine. Yes, the loneliness can be overwhelming and I am not looking forward to tomorrow….Valentine’s Day. I bought a red rose to put on his grave in the morning….it is a very hard day now without him. I had to buy groceries this morning and the store was like a “zoo” with people buying so much valentine stuff. I felt as if I was going to choke if I didn’t get out of there….I will be thinking of you tomorrow…..I may just get all of the valentine cards he has given me over the years out and read them all. We kept all of our different cards given to one another for 32 years. I put a ribbon on all of the ones I had given him and put them with him after he died……I want the same done for me. Take care and stay in touch. And, yes, I certainly understand.
On Wed. Feb. 1, 2012 My partner of 19 years had 6 asperations of the pancrease. On Thurs. Feb. 2, 2012 the doctor called I only heard 3 words “Malignant pancreatic cancer”. Feb. 3, 2012 my Mom had a colonoscopy, my sister called and I only heard 2 words “colon cancer”. Went to Duke University Medical center yesterday. We were there from 8am – 4:30 pm, it was a grueling day. How will I survive this?
Joel, my name is Barbara. I will certainly remember you in my prayers. Hearing the word “Cancer” is devastating to say the least, especially pancreatic cancer. Having lost my husband on 10-2-10 from this vicious disease, I completely relied on God before and after his death…..couldn’t be getting through this without Him. He gave my husband and me 19 beautiful months after his diagnosis and having been married 32 years. My heart aches for you.
Joel, I’m so very sorry you had to hear such devastating news. I pray for the day the word “cancer” is no longer in our vocabulary. Reminds me of a quote I saw the other day: “I pray for the day ‘cancer’ is just a zodiac sign.” You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Lindsay, I’m with you on your comment – it is such a vicious word…..
I my opinion “beeing happy” is not a state. There are just moments in our life’s.
And when we are lucky, we are able to feel such a moment of joy and love. Light. Courage. A deep breath.
I guess if we are notice a moment like this we are happy. We appriciate life …
I have read all of the post. I wish I could have found site sooner. I so admire you Lisa and how you kept Patrick motivated. I was diagonosed with Cancer 5 months after I had fell in love with a wonderful man. My 1st husband made me get a tubilagation. I had a very difficult time during my pregnancy. We should have both died but we didn’t. In order to save us I had to have a emergency C-section and here I was wanting a natural birth. If my primary Dr. had not gone to Aspen to Ski we would both have died.But God knew and so I was sent to a bigger hospital.After mulpital test were done the baby was lodged inside my pelvic bone and I had been in labor for over 1 month. I was put on bedrest and meds.I explained to the Dr. that I know that they always tryed to save the Mother but I told him if my baby didn’t make it I would be dead within the time of me being released. so I signed for them to save the baby against my husbands wishes. I had a tubal 4 yrs later due to again I was given either you do it or I am gone. So I did well when I did met the right man. We wanted a child he had 3 girls but was in AirForce and always away. So we went to see about IVF and then I got a call and was told to come bck to Jacksonvillle,Fla. this was where we lived. I had 3 typesof Cancer I was 29 yrs old so they removed everything but they got it all. Now its 24 yrs later and its back but in a different place. I know that I am here for a purpose and if I went into my life from 16 to now you wouldn’t believe it. Everyone tells me I have a number 1 bestseller. It reads like a Soap Opera. I try to put on a brave face but I am scared and mad why me.I have always loved your husbands movies and I bet he was a hoot to be around. As for you. I knew you were in 1 movie and I liked it very much but didn’t really know much about you. I have lost 2 Bf’s,my Mom,Dad, in the last 10 yrs. My Son either can’t comprehend this is really happening again refuses to look at my Dr. reports and has not spoken to me in over a yr. I have 2 beautiful little Grandaughters but I am not allowed to see them. It breaks my heart. So I can tell you the your Husband had to love you even more than before because you were there for him and he knew that. I am waiting to have 3 other surgeries but since I don’t have insurance.Noone will take me. So as of now just controling the pain is about all I can do. but I will not give up. I am a fighter a girl from a very small rural town. Outside Tallahassee but I am so grateful for anyone who helps others relize.Cancer does not care how Famous you are or not it doesn’t discremnate I see babies,teenagers,babyboomers,as well as older people. so please keep on going to get people to wake up. Because you whole life can change in a matter of minutes. So God bless you and I will keep you in my heart and Prayers. I try to live ech day as best I can and even the smallest things I try to be grateful for. I admire you greatly.
Sincerly Deborah S. Campbell
Thank you for writing, Deborah.
ps. Another person wrote this saying I really love about living our lives and appreciating each other fully (may misquote, but basically…) – “We’re just playing on the tracks until the train comes!”
Best wishes to you,
Lisa