Me, on top of a mountain, in Colorado, I think.
My life is full of possibilities. I’m feeling like maybe, just maybe, I’m starting to heal.
I’m feeling things I haven’t felt in over three years now, like, there are things I still care about.
I’m starting to feel like myself again. The person who wants to approach her life with a kind of integrity, beauty, and health. Instead of someone who wants to hide herself in a corner and anesthetize her pain into some kind of oblivion.
I’ve been feeling faith. That thing that I left behind so long ago, the thing that I railed against during life’s unfairness, the thing that so let me down when I was in need.
I feel the beginnings of faith in things I never thought I’d believe in again, ever.
And they are baby steps. But they are huge because they cross a chasm that is so great; one would think you would never dare attempt to cross it again in this lifetime.
But I’m finding a bridge, a bridge that takes me over the loss below to a new way of living. A land that feels like it has sun, where people smile, work has purpose, and life isn’t completely wasted time.
I never thought I’d feel these things again – a new courage, faith. And as well as I feel today, I may feel this good tomorrow. I can do this. I can thrive. And I’m not as limited as I thought.
And in all of this possibility. There is still the one thing I want above all else. I want my Buddy with me.
The thing that is not possible.
The more I think of things I love, the more I discover how we shared them together. A song, a cause, an adventure… I muse about the possibility of moving to Africa. I can be bold; I can do anything, right? And then I remember how we loved that, too – together.
And as I drift further away from having him here with me on this physical plane, the more I realize – how perfect we were for each other.
My best friend, my love, my other half.
It’s hard to think of going on in this life without him.
And when my thoughts take me to my heart’s desire… I see in my mind’s eye a picture of me –
On the outside: blond, strong, caring, capable, and optimistic. And on the inside, I am just a pencil sketch of stick-figure woman, bent over, carrying a crazy hole in her heart.
But I think I can take better care of that woman now. I think I can.
* “Buddy” is my late husband’s, Patrick’s, nickname.
