As the Willie Nelson song says, I’m “On the road again.” And where am I now? In Austin, Texas for Formula I Race weekend. I keep surprising myself. Seems like I have such a different life from what I had before. Now, wait a minute – I do have a much different life than I had before.
After I lost Patrick, my dear friend, Kay, told me about when her mother lost her husband (and her father). It had been a very long term, very close marriage. “What did she do? How did she manage?” I asked. Kay grinned, and mused, “I hardly saw her again! She was traveling, having lunch with her girlfriends, working on various things. She was gone!”
I feel a little like Kay’s mom. Like a bird whose cage suddenly fallen apart, a balloon, cut loose from its tether, floating through the atmosphere. I realize, in a profound way, that Patrick is what tied, ground me to the earth. That relationship, that commitment, that building our life together… We were always making something – tangible. Something we could hold, touch, talk about it…
And not only Patrick. It’s seems as if I’ve been being cut loose from everything – little by little. From possessions, from connections that no longer make sense to me, ideas about how my life is supposed to be run.
Maybe I’m finding my “rudder” in life. Patrick, our relationship, had always been a guiding force, and I’ve been a like a boat adrift these past three years. Or, maybe I am steering this thing, it’s just that the horizons have changed drastically.
But as I cut loose from all these earthly ties that bind me, I feel lighter and lighter, so light that I wonder if I’m going to become completely invisible. Seems that the things that hold on to me here, the I am this, and I am that… let go of those things, and I am just a soul, vaporized in the atmosphere.
Anyway, it’s a thought for the day!
And it’s not bad. A little disconcerting, but not bad.
And I’m in my home state of Texas for F1, and it’s exciting! The town has pulled out the stops with all sorts of events, and special parties. And oddly enough though, the bigger the crowd, the more alone I feel. Ah, but it’s a just little loneliness, and I can endure it. What a wonderful world I’m looking at now – so full of color, energy, and uplifted spirits. And on Sunday – OFF TO THE RACES! Yee-haw!