I’ve been teetering around the edges of what I might want to do. Not that I haven’t been busy writing books, and organizing my life, ranch, and causes. But, I’ve been looking at what I really might like to do. And there are a few things on the list.
It’s been hard to think about them when the passion has been wrung out of my life. Nothing seems to matter as much as the life that I lost when my Buddy died. Everything pales in comparison.
So, how do I find passion again? And I wonder – does the grief cover up the things I care about? Deaden the sound of its call? Is it a way of staying safe while I heal?
And then, there is the fear. Who am I now without my loved one?
I am treading into such foreign territory. And it’s frightening.
Who am I? I would feel so much more comfortable if I could just take a permanent vacation. I would just drift, not worry about money, houses, families, possessions… In a way, disengage from life. A wonderful way to hide forever. But can I do that? No. Well…not unless I want to spend the rest of my life sleeping in KOA campgrounds.
I have questioned why I haven’t moved ahead on some things that were meaningful to me before. And I can only think that it’s the fear of becoming this new person. The person without my loved one. It’s the new frontier. The unproven life.
I had dinner with an old friend, and I mentioned my hesitation in pursuing particular work, that I feel so “out of it,” that I’m afraid I won’t find my way back in again. And he said,
“You have to do the thing you’re afraid of. You have to. That’s how we learn, that’s how we grow.”
Ping. His words cut right through me. Yes, that’s how we learn and grow. How great is it to be reminded of that? When I had started to become more effective in my life was when I stopped worrying about failure. If I failed, so what – I’ll just come at it a different way.
But I surprised myself that I had a positive reaction to his words. They inspired me. And it made me think – maybe I have not lost my passion so much as I’ve been afraid to live without my husband.
I’ve always thought that one of the hardest things I could do after I lost him would be to actually be happy again.
And then, as if the universe was coming in with a resounding “yes!” to facing fears, the next day, another friend buoyed me up in an almost identical way, echoing the same encouraging words about moving forward, and growing. And I tell you; sometimes all I need is a little encouragement. A little can go a long way with me. (you know what – I don’t think it would hurt if we all encouraged each other more. Whaddya think?)
I love Eleanor Roosevelt, who had once said: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
And who am I? My friends reminded me that I am not just this little, hurt girl that I feel like I am most of the time – but the woman who suited up, faced, and fought against death itself when my husband was sick. What can be more frightening and challenging?
Do what you are afraid of – I felt the call. And I got a glimpse of something that just might be tantalizing in my life. And you know what? My teetering on the edge feels like it’s blossoming into commitment to do the things I’ve been putting off for so long now, make the phone calls I’ve delayed… I’m going to take a chance. Jump in with both feet. I’m not sure where it’s going to take me yet. I won’t know until I’m really in it. But I won’t know where it will take me unless I try.
And if I fail..? Well, what a ride.
Margaret (Scotland, UK) says
You must be so amazingly proud of yourself – and if you are not, THEN YOU SHOULD BE!!!!!!! You have found this amazing strength and you are tackling things you didnt think you would – you are planning things you never thought you would, and why is this?? BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN!!
I have passed your book on around my family now – we have all been inspired by you…….all the way here to Bonnie Scotland 🙂
Best wishes to you
Many thanks, Margaret!
elisa economides says
Lisa, you are sooo spot on with how you express yourself, I truly get you. Yes you can go and try just keep trying to do anything you want to do, the human body mind and soul can be positive and try you will achieve so much, and learn so much more. Miss you, the fan club and still holding on to my dream to meet you so much to say 8xx Elisa (uk) a swayze buddy and a niemi buddy! Xx
Patricia Baird says
Everyone is different, what works for one does not work for another. That has been my biggest problem, “What would I do if I was not afraid”. I would do a lot of things, but have not found the courage to go ahead and do them. Bless you if you can. I have tried some things and then felt guilty after. So this is my battle to fight within myself. Like I said everyone is affected differently and has to move on at their pace. God Bless you and be with you to help you move on, I’ll be cheering for you. Patricia
Thank you, Margaret!
Sorry, I had a finger-stutter. But wanted to say that I’m cheering you on, too, Patricia. Yes, we do what’s “right” for us, at the “right time.” But I have no doubt that what you do, you do with beauty.
jan cates says
If i weren’t afraid i’d “LIVE” instead of just “EXISTING”!!!!
Patricia Baird says
I so understand what you mean. God be with you and help you in your hard and sad times.
Lindsay Luckadoo says
I completely agree with your friends. Lisa, you are not just the little hurt girl you feel like you are, but a woman who has faced and fought the most terrifying and challenging thing of all. So…JUMP ON IN! I know your Buddy is right by your side cheering you on! And, all of us will be here supporting you every step of the way!
I found these 3 questions that you should always ask yourself if fear is holding you back from a challenge:
What is the best outcome that can happen?
What is the worst outcome that can possibly happen?
What is the result of remaining the same?
As always, much love to you! XX
PS. I know this is completely off topic, but I heard this super sweet song today called “Cowboys and Angels” and it reminded me of you and Patrick SO much. Here’s the lyric video if you’re curious…;)
Julie Clements says
wow Lindsay that is a great song just love the words I agree with you it reminds you of Lisa and Patrick its a beautiful song just love it, love to you Lindsay God bless love julie xxox
Lindsay Luckadoo says
I’m glad you like it, Julie! I heard it on the radio for the first time yesterday, and when I was listening to the words, I immediately thought of Lisa and Patrick! It’s a beautiful song, and the words are so sweet! Love to you! XX
Rayna Gunning says
Hi Lisa, I just wanted to say what a truly strong and inspiring woman you are. I have read the book that you and Patrick wrote together and I have just finished reading Worth Fighting For. I cried through the last chapters, I have lost my beautiful mum to pancreatic cancer, it is such a cruel disease. I have also gone through the loss of my brother and dad both young and without warning through different illnesses. I know grief and I relate only too well with your words of how you are feeling. I feel my family are still with me but just in a different way, it is what gets me through, as you don’t get over losing them you get through it and live
your life although never in the same way.
Know you are not alone in your grief, I feel your grief too and only wish with my mum that we could have a
different outcome, I thank you for highlighting pancreatic cancer in honour of Patrick and I only hope in time
to come there is more research and treatment that this is no longer a terminal illness.
All my best wishes and love
I hope you are well! It’s been a long time since I saw you… My heart went out to you when Buddy died & it still does. I have such fond memories of our times together when I was but a child!
I too lost a loved one, and in a very public way… And all I can say is that facing my fears and doing the most frightening thing I could think of to challenge myself (a law degree)… was the making of me. It was like therapy to have something keep me so busy & so inspired to succeed.
I try to find the positive… And although I lost someone at 21 & my experience was very different to yours, really living each moment to the fullest & challenging myself really helped… & now I have lots of things I look back on and am very proud to have achieved in my darkest days.
As my dad always taught me, “God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”… I really found a lot of peace in these words. I am sure you have heard them before but wanted to just write them to you too – just in case they help you.
Lots of love,
Beautiful Jessica! Thank you for sharing. it amazing what we can do, even in our darkest hours. Look, you got a law degree, I wrote a book! As bad as things have been for me sometimes, I have been proud of the positive steps I’ve managed to take. If anything has come out of this, it’s been those things.
Julie Clements says
I really can see where you are comming from, as it took me quite a while to find my feet and start something all by myself and my first step was a job, its very hard to remember about cvs and interviews but after a couple of bad ones I found a job caring for people in a very nice care home. There I met some lovely people in the residents and also the staff especially two lovely nurses who helpped me with my self confidence, and who also helpped me with my new family as they were my blinddate angels.
I feel so glad I found a job and many new friends who set me on my foot steps forward, but I will never forget my past life but its in my special memories which now and then still pop up but they are all good special ones and I know he’s smiling for me.
Well Lisa good luck with whatever you find to help you keep taking your steps forward God bless love julie xxox
Hi Lisa, I just wanted to say that I think it is great that you are sharing your journey because there are a lot of people, myself included, who are travelling along a similar ‘road’ and it is true that getting these feelings out there helps us all to deal with them and move forward. I hope these blogs and tweets are helping you as well. I also hope that you are not taking everyone-else’s problems to heart..I would hate to think we are contributing to your pain at a time when you need our support….very best of luck always.
Dear Lisa always read your post and cry a lot. You have a friend here in Brazil.You need come here to launch his book.I love you and Patrick and hi live in my memorie forever!kisses in your hearth
Cheryl Holbrook says
Lisa…you are writing the thoughts I had back in 1998 when my Buddy, my husband Bill, died from pancreatic cancer. It took me awhile, too, but I was placed in a lot of situations where I had to take on many challenges. Today I am a very strong woman who is enjoying her crazy life!!! I applaud you for many reasons (helping out the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network is one of them, of which I am a volunteer…) and the way you write your thoughts for everyone to see. I know it will help others! Stay strong and stand right up to the things that make you afraid! I truly see you moving in the right direction and helping others as you go. Thanks so much for being that role model!
Lisa, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.Don´t fear to live .You are an amazing woman and you deserve to be happy and feel good.Your husband always be a part of you.
Sending a big hug and lot of love as i always do,
Lorna watt says
Success is not final,
Failure is not fatal;
it is the courage to continue that counts. – Winston Churchhill.
Here is some encouragement from me to you. Your go girl, you can do it, you have nothing to lose but so very much to gain. Baby steps!!
Red Hot Chili says
true words, comprehensible thoughts. I can imagine how big the step seems to you … from the hurt girl to the grow and matured woman. But heya, YOU ARE A MATURED WOMAN! And you can do whatever you want do, if you just be able to enjoy it by yourself … as a independently person. This is hard sometimes, but it also can be wonderful.
You are surrounded by wonderful and sincere friends, it’s great that they support and encourage you!!!!
Blessings, Sabs :-*
Hi lisa, you are a truely wonderful and strong lady and i’m sure you could achieve anything you wanted.
When those you love die, the best you can do is honor their spirit for as long as you live. You make a commitment that you’re going to take whatever lesson that person or animal was trying to teach you, and you make it true in your own life.their having been in your life changed you in some beneficial way, and making that commitment is the only way you can face the pain of their absence. But more than that,its a positive way to keep their spirit alive in the world, by keeping it alive in yourself…….. Patrick swayze (The time of my life)
A big hug from me to you as always x
I recognized it right away.
Tienes el nombre de mi madre.
You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love this blog…!
We sure need to encourage each other more.. That so much more motivating than to hear that you can’t do it.. Well not always because when someone says to me ah you can’t do that or whatever I feel the urge to prove that I can do it. But when someone encourages you to do something that can make you feel the same because you want to say YES I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL DO THIS!
I also want to encourage you so here I go: The fact you are going to face the fears tells me that you are a very strong and ambitious. I am very proud of you for taking this big step… I’d love to know where this journey is going to take you so keep us posted 🙂
Good luck !
OMG…..I just mistyped my own name!! It’s Ineke……. and it’s not even Monday……
That’s okay. I always mis-type “Neimi”
Kathy Craig says
Lisa you are truly an inspiration to us all, I find such strength from your messages. I did not lose a husband even though my husband is on liver transplant list. But in the last few years I have lost my Mother and some family members that I was very close too and I always feel quilty if I enjoy life I feel like I should not be happy now that they are gone. I know that you take one day/one minute at a time and it inspires me and alot of others to do the same.
Please keep giving us the inspiration that we need and keep moving forward in your life even though I did not know Patrick I feel like he was the type of man that would want you to move forward and be happy.
God Bless you
Nadine Wood says
You are a very strong lady, and in Patrick’s own words: you’ll be fine. Just take it 1step at a time, at your own pace. Do what pleases you, find your passion and go for it. Life is too short as I am sure you know, death some how gives us a new perspective. We are here to support you n cheer you on. Patrick always loved and supported your efforts. He was so proud of you. Don’t be afraid you have so much to offer. Why not teach dance, teach horse back riding, fly for fun or maybe even for work? Whatever it is, make sure you love it. Much love and God bless sending rainbows of hope your way
Nadine Wood says
Btw good luck n much success with Purple Stride. Proud of you as you contine to honor Patrick’s memory
Jacki Pienta says
I am proud of you! Yesterday I heard someone say…”Pick something you fear the most and do it. You will be the happiest person EVER!”. Now I don’t know if you will be the happiest person ever, but I do whole heartedly believe that you need this! I am happy for you. Be strong!
Hola Lisa, realmente usted refleja en sus palabras todo lo que siento desde que mi mamá parti. Sólo le pido señales de si está bien o si necesita algo que yo pueda hacer para estarlo, aún así siento que hay algo más que aún no hice por ella y me desespero.
You are not alone in feeling this way. We do the best we can. We are not perfect, but we are loved with all our imperfections. Same as you loved your mother. That’s love. You miss her, that’s normal when you love someone.
Hang in there!
Mil gracias por responderme. Hoy se cumplen seis meses de que mi mamá partió. Ella se sintió mal esa tarde de sábado y me dijo que se iría a recostar un rato, tenía 19.7 de presión, le dije si quería ir al hospital y me dijo que no, que quería dormir, que la dejara. No me lo perdono, la casa se ve tan grande sin ella. EStoy completamente sola, esto es el infierno en la tierra, no encuentro nada a lo que pueda aferrarme para seguir.
Le envío un saludo y mi admiración por su humildad.
Joanna Kontos Evans says
Hey Lisa, wonderful to read such a positive blog from you, even if tomorrow brings another sad day your fighting spirit is shining through on the good days and that’s the way you will not beat, but conquer this thing…
On a different note, ‘Tumbling Down’ is on it’s way to you special delivery, so perhaps when you next speak to Allison you could ask her to look out for it and when you receive and listen to it, know that I am giving you a massive heartfelt and sincere hug to go along with it. Also if you could see your way clear just to drop a line to say you have it that would be hugely appreciated. In the meantime Lisa much love as always and I wish you more positive days like the day you wrote this blog. xx
as always your blog is great ! Hitting home, too, since it is quite applicable to my life at the moment.
So take on your fears and grow! I will try and do the same- who am I to bury my head in the sand when you can be so strong?!
So thank you once more for the encouragement you provide through your posts and your inspiring example!
All the best to you,
Quote from Princess Diaries…
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all”
Your blog really touched me and made me think of a short poem I wrote years ago.
SEIZE THE DAY
Life is so short,
We must seize the day,
Do what truly excites you,
No matter what anyone says.
Whether it’s riding in
Or sailing on the sea,
Do whatever sets your soul free.
Hope this makes you smile. Keep pushing on Lisa. There’s still so much in this life for you to accomplish and enjoy. Face those fears that are still lingering inside and push on.
Lisa, estoy buscando su libro “The time of my life” en español, pero no lo encuentro ¿Acaso no lo editaron en este idioma? Sería una lástima.
I am wishing you all the strength to move towards all those things on your list and you achieve all of them to your best ability.
no matter what our lists we set ourselves, and weather we achieve or fail to accomplish these things, we still achieved in trying and that you can find courage to pursue more things. if you can find the courage to face those fears you have already achieved no matter what the outcome. keeping fighting! you already have achieved to inspire me to go for things that I had fears of doing.
I did read your blog when it came out, but I couldn’t answer, because this day happened something real strange and new to me, and now, a few days later I’m clear enough to answer you.
Your friend is right with what he is saying, but it’s hard to push yourself into that move. We don’t want to do the things that let us grow, because growing hurts. Even the physical growing when you are a child hurts (I remember the pain in my bones wehenever I became a little larger, but the good result is that I’m a tall girl now. If I would have had the power to decide whether I’d grow or not, I think I would’nt be that tall… The comfort zone is a nice and safe place…
But once you started to say ” I’m scared but I’ll do it” it becomes more easy. You start to be in the flow, and that is a good thing. I really admire what you are doing, and I’m looking forward for the adventures you’ll share with us in the future. Keep going, you’re strong enough and you seem to have wonderful friends around you! I wish you all the best!
BTW: You wrote about the fear to become a new person, that fits exactly with my feelings right now. The strange thing I wrote about in the beginning is that I found out that I’m pregnant 🙂 And I’m happy and scared in the same minute. I have to go a road I’ve never been before and I hope I’m doing it well. I hope that I’ll become a good mother, and I’m so surprised about my fear, because this child wasn’t unplanned. Strange, hmmm?
We’ll see what will happen, one thing for sure: My body will grow again! 🙂
Tani and Baby
Congratulations, Tani. Don’t be afraid, everything will be fine.
thank you so much! I hope that everything will be fine, this is so new and exciting, I can’t believe it. And there’s so much to do before the baby comes, I have to hurry up before I can’t move anymore 🙂
Wish u all the best, Tani and Baby
It’s normal you have fear, everybody has fear for anytime in its life, but you know, you have nothing to fear, because you’re healthy. The most important thing , health. Without it , life won’t meaning nothing at all. I had fear five years ago, when in a ordinary revision, doctors finding a malign tumor in breast, breast cancer. I don’t know if it write like that, i think so. By the way, I know how you feel, and how you had feel all this time, but in this ocassion my husband was very well , thanks god for that , but i’m not. I’ve passed so much , i’ve fighted so much with my husband’s company, family’s and friend’s. Now, my life is not the same before to be with cancer, I’m the same person but i see things in other way, more positively. If when something or somebody make me feel bad, i say: bye bye and i don’t worry about it.
You have a great life, live it, but without any fear. Fear gou out, leave it outside your heart. Don’t face with fear if isn’t necessary. So i believe you have been passing fear for almost three years. It’s enough, you had been payed a big price. It’s time to change it’s time to laugh , it’s time always remember Patrick as a wonderful man, but moving forward and you crossed the bridge, with your baby’s steps. I am crossing the bridge too, because i want to be like before to be ill, it’s the time, though it’s a hard work daily.
All my love as always for you dear,
Take care XL.
Anyone would kindly tell me if I can find Lisa’s books in Spanish? thanks
¿Alguien sería tan amable de decirme si puedo encontrar los libros de Lisa en español? Gracias.
I believe the “The Time of My Life” has been published in Spanish, but I couldn’t tell you where to find it! I’ll see if I can find out.
“Worth Fighting For” has not been published in Spanish yet. Thanks for asking!
Thank you, Lisa. I’ve been looking for, but I could not find it. I await your response. By the way, do you understand Spanish? Gracias, Lisa. He estado buscándolo y no he podido encontrarlo. Espero su respuesta. Por cierto, ¿entiende usted el español?
Carminha Paukoski says
Dear Lisa, I’m just a fan of 100 000.
Patrick was my favorite actor, it was like I knew him personally I collected everything about it.
When I heard he got sick, it was as if my brother had been sick. I followed all the internet’s disease Patrick, and suffered along with you.
My sister Conceição died on 05/09/2009 and 14/09/2009 was Patrick, I suffered a lot.
I wanted to tell you how much I have always admired the great love of you, that love inspires.
You Know that you are not alone, the fans love you Patrick.
I made a video for Patrick on youtube if you want to see.
A big kiss for you love Brasil
PS: Excuse the mistakes, my english is horrible.
Quizás eran almas que debían reunirse en el cielo en esta etapa. Justo el día anterior a la partida de mi mamá, mientras cenábamos le dije, hoy se cumplen 2 años y un mes de la muerte de Patrick Swayze, ya? tan pronto me respondió ella, también lo admiraba.
Patrick Swayze falleció un 14 de septiembre de 2009 y mamá el 15 de octubre de 2011. Quizás Dios quiere almas fuertes, con carácter en este momento en el cielo y se las está llevando todas juntas. A veces pienso que será todo como en la serie Lost, que todos en algún momento de sus vidas, de una otra manera se conocieron o se cruzaron y Dios los reunió en el cielo con una misión, cuál será? no lo sabemos aún, pero creo que son almas que están destinadas a protegernos.
I feel Patrick watches over me. I like that.
Hello Lisa, me alegra que te guste algo de lo que escribo. A veces siento que de tanto pensar en por qué Dios hace determinadas cosas la gente debe pensar que estoy volviéndome loca. Mi hermana piensa esto de mí, y mi familia actualmente se acota a ella. Cualidades, que intento que no sean tanto, sino interpretarlas como algo lógico para poder darle un sentido a la ausencia de nuestros seres queridos. El final de Lost fue esperanzador, no lo crees?
Como te dije en una oportunidad no hablo inglés, uso el traductor de google y no puedo traducir correctamente la frase: “I feel Patrick watches over me. ” Si tienes tiempo y ganas quizás podrías utilizar algunos sinónimos a fin de que pueda entender las palabras.
Eres una gran persona. Un abrazo desde Argentina.
I loved reading this post Lisa. There is something we can all take from your incredible strength and passion for life.
What wonderful friends you have to provide you with the encouragement you need to fulfill your dreams.
I look forward to reading about your future adventures and endeavours. Patrick would be so very proud and you are honouring his memory with such a high level of respect with the way you are conducting your life.
Good for you……you go girl!!
Hi Lisa, ich bin Heike aus Deutschland und bin schon viele,viele Jahre ein grosser Fan von dir und Patrick,es ist so schade das er nur so bald für immer gehen musste,ich muss noch sehr ,sehr oft an ihn denken und kann es bis heute noch nicht so richtig glauben,das er tot ist.Ich bewundere dich,wie du die ganzen Monate,während Patricks Krankheit so tapfer warst,obwohl dir alles bestimmt sehr schwer gefallen ist ,zu wissen das man bald ,sein Liebstes was man hat , für immer verliert und du bist auch ein grosses Vorbild für mich,weil du nicht aufgibst und dich für Krebskranke Menschen arrangierst , einfach toll. Ich bedauere es sehr,das dein Buch ,Worth Fighting For, leider nicht in deutsch übersetzt worden ist,denn wie du siehst bin ich nicht soooo perfekt in englisch und muss leider alles in deutsch schreiben.Ich bin sehr traurig,das ich deshalb auch dein Buch nicht lesen kann.Ich wünsche dir viel Gesundheit und alles Glück der Welt,das hast du einfach verdient,bleibe so wie du bist,es umarmt dich ganz lieb Heike aus Germany
Thank you, Heike. Good news is that my book will be translated into German. Maybe it’ll be available next year. Maybe sooner.
Hallo Lisa,du kannst dir garnicht vorstellen wie sehr ich mich über deine Antwort gefreut habe,das ist einfach das Tollste was ich je erlebt habe,ausser die Geburt meiner 2 Töchter natürlich. THANK YOU , By Heike
Jim T says
II have also stopped doing many of the things I love since losing my wife to this illness 11 months ago.Part of it is a feeling of moving forward and changing my “new normal” The other part is not having her to share and tell about the experiences. That is such a big part of doing things for me. I am now making a huge effort to move out of my comfort zone and to start doing things agian that I enjoy. I am going to move out of this fear zone and strat to experience life again. Although my friends are very supportive there is still an inner feeling of lonlieness and disbelief I am trying to put into perspective. Today is the 11 month anniversary of losing her. I have spent a part of it thinking about the people and their families that are diagnosed with this every day and how important it is for some early detection research to be done. Thank you for the heat and light you have helped to put on this. I think your blog is great. Little by little we will all come out of this stronger,and more gentile people than ever before.
Karen Backus says
Lisa, you ask who you are without your Buddy… You are the very same strong lady who sat right next to him during that interview with B. Walters. I will say it one more time, “Shame on her for asking you the unanswerable question of “If you had faced your life without your Buddy.” I lost a LOT of respect for her at that moment! The fact that your precious Buddy sat there stroking your arm and saying in a very FIRM voice, “She’ll be just fine!!!” said so much more about you at that moment than I think you even realize!! It said all over again how much he believes in you, that you are the most beautiful person, that you are his soul mate, that you are his partner for life, that he believes that there is NOTHING that you cannot do!!!
“Nothing seems to matter as much as the life that I lost when my Buddy died. Everything pales in comparison.
So, how do I find passion again? And I wonder – does the grief cover up the things I care about? Deaden the sound of its call? Is it a way of staying safe while I heal?
And then, there is the fear. Who am I now without my loved one?
Grief can “dull” us for a time – that is, however much time we are willing to give to it!!! Yes, there is definitely a “safe place” when you are in the throes of grief!! That is part of what grief is for – to give us that protection from that which we are not able to handle at that particular time. It is not all such a bad thing. I believe that it is our loved ones’ way of “putting their arms around us and telling us to ‘Just rest for right now.'”
Fear? DId we not experience it when our loved ones were alive-Sure we did!! Only, at that time, we had them as a “buffer” in case things didn’t “go well.” Lisa, you are the VERY SAME WONDERFUL, PRECIOUS, SMART, CARING, KIND WOMAN that you were when your Buddy was alive.
THERE HAS BEEN NOT ONE SINGLE THING “TAKEN FROM YOU.” RATHER, THERE HAS BEEN SO MUCH MORE ADDED TO YOUR PERSONHOOD SINCE YOU HAVE FELT THIS FEAR!!! This fear, which is no doubt the very same fear that your Buddy felt each time that he stepped into a “new arena,” should help you to bond with him even more and to KNOW how HE IS, NO MATTER WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO,
WITH YOU EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY!!!
You WERE his “pure gift” for a lot of years… PLEASE LET HIM BE YOURS NOW………………..
Praying for you always, Karen and Gary
Karen Backus says
Gosh, I sure sound like I “know it all” don’t I? I am so very, very sorry for this!!! Karen
Santillan Flores Georgina says
lisa ¿sabes m encantaria tener el libro de patrick me podrias decir si el libro va a estar en-
español y en mexico.
Yo no lo sé todavía. L
Joan Knight says
Lisa , I have just finished your book “Worth Fighting For” and thank you very, very much. Been there, done that, and am still trudging the road to a ” happy destiny”. Or something more copeable, and peaceful than my own thoughts. January 2, 2013 I will be starting my 4th year, without my Bud. This November will make 24 years since my son died, and about 41 years since my parents died.
No losses are good, or without pain. But none can compare to losing your spouse Your right arm, the pone you trust to have your back and know that no matter what he had your back, or with saying anything give you the answers you needed for any situation.
We were together 20 years, married 16. I was Bud’s wife, friend, dependant, confidant and lover. Just as I feel you were with Patrick and the void that was left in me, seemed unbearable. I was his wife, and I didn’t really care who said what He’s gone but I’m his wife, and somewhere along the line I realized that I had forgotten who I was, what I wanted and how to get from one point to another.
And I didn’t really have that much support or anyone to understand, and I sure as hell didn’t know where or what I was to do. That first year was a mess. I spent more time at the cemetary than anywhere, I was determined to give back to others because people were so good to me. For some reason, more friends, aquaintances, children passed away and I found myself going to funeral and telling people that it may seem hopeless but in time there will be glimpses of hope, blessing, miracles. It gets ya through til the next time.
The next time the loneliness hits, or ya lose sight of your goals, (if ya figure out your purpose that is)
But for me, I had to learn who I was. Not the wife, mother, daughter, or the shy little girl, that didn’t think she had a chance. I had to admit, accept and be the kind of person I really wanted to be and know I’d become and be new and improved on a daily basis. I had to get to the point where I just gave up, and quit fighting before I could learn to live. Somehow, I believe God would put these little coincidents in my way to see the strength, understanding andwisdom, I have gained from my experiences. I have letters I wrote my Bud that first year, and second, I don’t take as many trips to the cemetary, but each time I go it is alittle more comforting. And I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, some day. More often than not but the lose is still great. But if I can’t hang on to anything I know he’s not suffering anymore. One point I was wanting to tell you was that the thing that has gotten me this far is: Using the programs of Al-Anon and AA to releive my pain, the obsession with my loss and help me move on. My life is by no means perfect but as I learn to depend on the tools I have been given, and have a God of my understanding to guide me, and feel what I am feeling and letting it go, replacing my thoughts with gratitude for what we had and what we have and accepting the challenges life has given me, right or wrong I’m moving on. GOD BLESS YOU AND BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE ELSE, YOU WERE TO ME. (Have you ever watched the movie “P.S. I LOVE YOU” might be a good one for a girls night in.) It’s different from our situation but how someone could make so much sense and not walked in our shoes. This was one of those coincidences, that blew my mind. thanks again, Your and Patricks books were awesome,
Dear Joan, thank you for your very honest and deep comment here. What you said, “I had to learn who I was. Not the wife, mother, daughter, or the shy little girl, that didn’t think she had a chance,” particularly resonates with me. I think it’s probably the reason I’ve had to walk this road alone. It’s tough lesson to learn. Sometimes I feel like a teenager, just starting out again, trying to figure out my life, from the beginning again. Thanks, L
Joan Knight says
Lisa, I know what your saying. I often refer to it as “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up?” people laugh, but they don’t know how serious I am. And I’d rather walk alone, to learn and grow in self assurance, respect and be who I am without any doubt. I don’t think I have the strength to start over again where relationships are concerned, and once you’ve or I had the best and the worst wrapped up in one and honored my wedding vows to the end. I wonder what’s left to experience. It couldn’t be much better and it could be alot worse. But anyway this is our own personal choice. It’s nice to know I have met someone that understands. Thank You
Joan, you must be my twin. I always say I’m trying to decide what I’m going to be when I grow up, too!
And thanks for what you say about walking alone. Joseph Campbell in “The Power of Myth” describes the hero as, not one who stays behind in the comfort of the community, but one who ventures out into the forest alone. It takes a different, and daring kind of courage to face that path alone. I guess that means you, Joan!
Joan Knight says
Lisa, LOL Nice to know I’m not alone and just maybe my thought aren’t as crazy as people might think. I say that, but their are people that really understand my point, and then there are those that don’tand think I’m off my rocker.. But that’s in everything I guess. But, at the end of the movie, P.S. I LOVE YOU. Kathy Bates tells Hallie, as she expresses how scared and alone she feels, Remember, if you think we’re all alone, then (together?) We’re all alone in that too….. That made a lot of sense, in that, we may be alone, but, so are a lot of other people and it’s our choice to do something about it. I have learned a lot from movies, books, and it seemed like everytime I have a need to know something, or a new feeling, a new book or movie comes out and bam theres my answer. I stay amazed!!!
Most of my friends, were our friends and when he passed, so did they, or some and they were most husband wives and I always felt like I was the odd one of the group, and my kids and his kids were there the first week and then, gone.. It was awful, and I just wanted to hibernate, but as it would be there was to much to do, and I was the only one to do it. That first year was the worse. The legal stuff, thought it would be easy because I was his wife. Butt he first visit to the courthouse and I new I was in the ride of my life, but the good thing is I did it and came out stronger!!!
The second year, I was sick and ended up with COPD. Which I’m doing okay now and have most of it under control, it was scary at first. But I did learn that “caregivers” are the last to take care of themselves, then, they get caught up in taking care of business concerning there spouse and still don’t realize that they need to not wait for the first pain/or sign that something is wrong and get a thorough check up and take care of their own health. So, please, please get a check up and take care odf your health!!!! I have the COPD, hit me first, then, I had a cousin that had colon cancer, and I thought maybe I better get check, and sure enough, they were cancerous, but were removed before they could cause a problem. I still have to get checked again in a year, but the Dr. said they got it all, and was early stages. But, I put that off for a year or better. so, please take care of yourself????
Another thing we have in common is the word “WIDOW” I DON’T LIKE IT! and refuse to get use to it and since I have no plans at this time to get involved or remarry, I’M STILL HIS WIFE! I remember the first time I was called “Bud’s widder” (WV slang) I thought the top of my head was going to explode!! I said “No, Im not his widow, I’m still takin’ care of our business and I’m stil his wife.” and walked away. but the look on his face was worth a million words. lol
Well it’s been really great sharing, and I haven’t run out of things to say but it’s late and I need do some other things, so, good night and have a blessed day and be a blessing. Joan P.S. I know we have a 3 hour difference our time but can’t remember if you earlier or later?? I live in Saugus/Van Nuys area in the 70’s. For a couple years. First they had a big fire in the desert and then a big earthquake and I decided someone was tellin’ me I didn’t need to be there. LOL (Each time they occurred I had just left Calif. and come back to West Virginia. I would be on the couch watch the distruction of the places I’d seen just days earlier. Strange feeling. But I love California. Good night.
Thanks, again for sharing, Joan.