I remember after Patrick died, I pulled into a parking garage, and the very nice lady at the kiosk handed me a ticket, offered her condolences, and shared sadly, “I lost my daughter in a car accident.” I’m so sorry. When did you lose her? “Fourteen years ago,” adding solemnly, “You never forget.”
She’s not the only one to echo that sentiment to me. And six years out from the death of my husband, it’s certainly been true for me.
Sometimes my memories are happy, warm, funny, and uplifting. And sometimes they are…well, they are not so nice. I’ve been going through some of the not-so-nice times lately. It’s been an unfortunate, and terrible blend of depression filled with dark thoughts, agonizing memories of Patrick’s suffering as he battled his illness, the beloved animals that I’ve lost, such hopelessness, and a feeling that I’m just sitting around waiting to die. Charming, huh? And while I don’t like to label things, it has helped to know that I am suffering from PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I always said, “I’ll cry later” when Patrick and I were fighting for his life. I would have done anything to make him better, and knew I was putting wear and tear on my body and soul, but I’d deal with that later. Well . . . it’s later! You know, when giving advice to caregivers, I always mention to try to take care of yourselves. You’re in it for the long haul. Little did I know how important my advice was for myself! It cracks me up that I thought I could recover from this fight by… I don’t know how, I have not had a good plan on this. And the effects of my experience have taken a toll on me far greater than what I had the arrogance to think I could handle.
But I was willing to pay that price. What other choice was there! I loved him. He got sick. We fought. He died. And I was thrown into a world I never wanted to know.
In this grieving, my faith in life’s goodness and purpose has been severely tested. And many times, it’s been difficult to find my way out of the darkness. And it’s not only the loss of my Buddy, but also the loss of blissful ignorance of what life is capable of. When we’re young, or when bad things haven’t happened yet, you think you’re going to live forever. And then the bad things happen, and… well, you learn what can happen. And once that information exists, you can’t erase it.
There have been times (frequently) when I’ve wondered if I’m just “old and cynical” now. You know, it’s the look you see in some people’s eyes, that look that says, “I’ve given up.” I may look like I’m functioning, even having fun sometimes, but I am just going through the motions at this point. It’s like life has nothing more to offer them.
In the book, The Little Prince, it says, “Grownups are given-ups” (Patrick loooved to quote this by the way). It’s like, as we start nearing our expiration date, we get old as we sit on the shelf, lose our flavor. Our gumption. Our bite.
But, let me entertain this thought…
Has life ceased to be a journey to learn from? Grow from? Turned from an adventure to an “Okay, you win,” situation??
Yes, it’s undeniable; we do have an expiration date: I do, my wonderful, (and understanding) new husband, Albert, does. My animals do… And at times I feel like we’re hurtling towards that date way too fast. For me, life use to mean birth, green grass, the sparkle of a new morning. Now life… means loss.
Now, maybe . . . just maybe I need to be as big as life. Challenge it. Embrace it. Maybe I need to be the one that stands in the storm, bracing myself, grinning as the sharp biting wind stings and tickles my cheeks! Maybe I should dare to celebrate who and what I love in spite of the threat of them being taken away. And if they are, celebrate that I had something that Life itself cannot claim.
Maybe this is the storm that I’m in. But I ain’t smiling, or embracing it. Just enduring. I’ve had thoughts – I need to get angry (that was Patrick’s answer), I need to allow myself to not be strong at this time, I need to open myself spiritually. Heck, one thing’s for sure; I need to deal with my grief differently than I have before. And I’m doing my best.
Nevertheless, I’m still here. Still upright, and putting one foot in front of the other. Which means – hope.
And as my friend, Mica, would say – Life ain’t for the faint of heart.
Such beautiful words and expression of your feelings and thoughts!
I truely believe when you beautiful darling husband buddy moved out of his painful body, he was at peace and relief, everyone who loved you both all around the world were totally heartbroken and still are! Patrick and yourself made such wonderful memories for us all and i dont think its something we can get over just like that as you well know!
Christ knows how much you must miss his caring deep love for you which was so plain to see! He went far too young god test his soul! You must never think hes not around you willing you on to be strong for yourself, i imagine his soul sitting always by you and always by your side. I love your picture in the snowy climate and if he could he would hug you a trillion times to say his love is eternal for you! Its energy that cant be destroyed lisa you will be with him again and he will be waiting for you when its your time x your husbands pictures are everywhere in my life on my computer on my phone etc and i know patricks spirit is what captivates us all he is awesome wow to have spent the years together as you did, it sounds like you had a spiritual bond like no other! We will always keep his memories alive lisa and know hes always around and with you , he would want you to know that and also he wouldnt want you feeling sad and low ! You carry him in your heart every single day and he lives through you please believe this! You are strong and have met your lovely new husband yes but i guess going through what you did together must have been traumatic with the fall out from buddy moving on to the next place,i wish you healing and light and love to keep facing the heartache lisa because it has to come full circle at some point and you will feel lighter x
If you ever need any help i go to a
Meditation centre called Brahma Kumaris which gives free courses to help heal the pain very gently .
You will find it on the internet raja yoga which could help the healing process too x
Heres my email should you ever want to cry in my shoulder [email protected]
Keep strong lovely lady its what buddy wants you to do x
The brahma kumaris centres are all over the world!
So true ! I lost my wife in 2011.
God bless you for keeping it so real with the rest of us!! I pray that life gets easier for you. I have been married over 20 years and although it has been no fairytale, I would be devastated if something happened to him!
Gina Gutierrez says
I have been a HUGE fan of Patrick’s for a very long time. I’m so sorry that you are in such a dark place. I lost my mom 6 years ago and my dad 3 years ago and while I’m sure the pain is different we all have to just breathe!!! I think of them everyday and wish they were here to share in their great grandbabies lives, heck, even my life. I will pray that you find some peace and comfort. JUST BREATHE!!! <3 from Texas.
Lisa, So glad to see you back at the blog and hope you know how much others are still pulling for you, still sending light and strength (right this minute) and thinking of you and what you’ve gone through. Draw from it, surround yourself with it and know you’re not alone. Hugs to you!
You are always right on the mark.
A widower friend of mine told me years ago (when I was widowed) that in Vietnam they called it “seeing the elephant.” Once you’ve seen the elephant, you can’t go back.And you’re right, what else could you do at the time but stuff it down and deal with it later?
I’ve given up on losing the fear. It’s a part of me now. It doesn’t RULE me (most days) but it’s always there, an undercurrent, a fleeting thought. And yes, I feel like I am rushing towards the end as well.
My daughter just had my first grandchild. Now I have a new level of love. And fear. Yay.
But it makes for bittersweet, intense, treasuring of moments. It is exhausting for sure. But I’m not sure how to change or if I even would if I could.
Lately I feel I’m not doing important enough things. Things that will matter later. I’m starting to change the focus of my art, looking for ways to support causes dear to me more often. Causes that help more people, or the environment. It’s not enough anymore, to just do a painting someone likes or wants to buy. That’s great too, but I need more. My time is running out. (I’m 54). I may have years… I may not. We all get that.
I’ve been reading and listening to everything I can right now about John Denver. I’ve always loved his music, his message, grew up with it. But lately his causes (he was ahead of his time) have become even more important to me. One thing that became apparent, he was not afraid to die. He was only 53 (so damn young), so much left to do and write. But immersing myself in his life is giving mine a deeper meaning too.
Once again you’ve struck a chord with me. Plus it’s spring, the time I lost my husband, and my body always remembers even if my brain doesn’t right away. Weird how that is.
Sending understanding and love your way. I’m doing my best to truly live in the moment (thanks Buck Brannaman), enjoy what I can do today because God knows what about tomorrow. xxx
It IS really weird that our bodies know before our brains do. Usually when I fall into a deep funk, I realize a week, or two, later that it was because of some anniversary, i.e. his birthday, his death, Christmas… It hard to communicate to people that grief is like its own organism, and you are not in control of it.
And I understand about your refocusing your life. One of the byproducts of our pain is the loss of purpose. I’m slowly coming back on this. I’m afraid John Denver won’t do it for me, but I’m looking, and trying!!! Ps. I’ve always loved John Denver.
I know you will find it. And even while you are looking, you are making such a huge difference in so many lives, relating to people in pain. People who might never have sought out a grief support group, so you are the only one they know who ”gets it.”
Happy Earth Day, Lisa. xo
I just lost my husband of 31 yrs , 6 weeks ago …. I’m feeling so lost .. I function , gone back to work … But I just go through the motions . Yes, I have PTSD …. I was his caregiver for 3 1/2 yrs. our social worker that worked with his doctors firmly believed in this and was always there for me as well as my husband … I just take one day again time and my kids are a huge help
I just wanted to send some love. It’s so early for you, my heart breaks for where you are right now. No good platitudes to offer (if there is such a thing), just that so very sorry. 🙁
I feel for you, Teresa. Know that it will get better in time. Believe! Many have managed to get through this, and you can, and will, too. Just hang in there! You will smile again one day, and it will feel good. XXL
Lisa you are an amazing woman. My heart aches for you and for all that have experienced such a great loss. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your feelings. Patrick was blessed to have the love and support that you gave to him.
Lisa, I am 5 years in since the death of my husband and the pain is just as sharp and fresh as the day I lost him. I thought that we would grow old together but now I have to settle for the memories of our life together for 41 years…..Some will say I am being somewhat selfish here as some are not as lucky to have a long and lasting relationship (you & Patrick certainly did) before fate takes one….. but we both wanted more and that was denied to us… I will never forget…you will never forget, and like you I am trying to do things differently….but it is so hard.
I think in some ways, having a long relationship, ten losing that person, presents its own unique difficulties. Patrick and I were very close, and when he died, it was like losing one of the legs I stood on ( or more!). I had to learn how to walk all over again, and in a completely different way, and painfully so. It was only after he died that I realized that I had spent my ENTIRE adult life with him (I had just turned 18 when we married). After he passed, it was like I was seventeen again, and had to learn how to live my life from the beginning. Not an easy journey. Especially when you’re hurting. XXL
Elizabeth-Ashley Zorich says
Lisa I loved reading this and I love to see how much you love another human being . some of your words are exactly my life ,as my only child , ( daughter) almost 3 years ago , started having grand mal seizures just before her senior year of high school . she’s now 20 and I’m 47 and even though my faith is strong I live in fear every day of losing her , yet always trying to be positive and envisioning her healing and becoming well again even with the medication that I do appreciate.. watching Seizures come and go , embracing her being not only her mom but being her caregiver drying the tears that are saying why mom can’t I get better? why can’t I do what other people do ? can’t I shower alone can’t I cook alone , be able to drive a car and use her drivers license that she worked so hard to earn .. she’s very strong and brave but this is a very frightening journey for me too now being a mother wondering why and how even with the best doctors wondering when the next seizure will hit . not sleeping through the night , wondering if she’s OK in her bed and now she’s a young woman and she still needs my care . The fear of life taking away the one person I love more than anyone on this earth is very painful and it eats away at me and I do not want to make myself I’ll by living in fear . I talk to God every day asking him to help me be strong so I can be there for her too I do not want her to feel limited but she does need help and care each day and that is what I devote my life to now . I try to help protect guide and just be there .. drive her , cook with her , be near the shower door while she’s in there . praying with her She is a beautiful gift and going through the stress of the fears and worries every day is just now part of my life and I see the sparkle of life faded because I am afraid , I love deeply as you do and it is painful and scary , thank you for all you do for others you inspire me bless your heart
It is profoundly amazing how deeply we can love. I can relate to what you say in remembering taking care of Patrick. And as terrible and hard as it was, everyday with him was a gift.
It took me five years after the sudden death of my husband to be told that I had PTSD. I still have flash backs from time to time because of the circumstances of his death which as you say you cannot erase. It is 18 years this year since he died. We would have celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on 14 Sept and I am finding that more of a challenge so far than I thought it would ever be. I too have an incredibly understanding and loving husband standing by me through all this. We celebrate our own 10th wedding anniversary on. 28th Oct. I wanted to be able to provide you pearls of wisdom, but all so find myself being able to do is show you that you’re not alone in your journey. Not sure if that is any comfort. Whilst physically I’d make a lousy surfer, I’ve found myself becoming an accomplished surfer of emotions. In the earlier days, I couldn’t see the oncoming waves that would wipe me out, I can see most of them coming and ride them like a true professional. There are still some wipe outs along the way, but I now know they won’t drown me. There were times along the way that I thought that the under current would never release it’s grip, but somehow (with help from my faith, a variety of friends and professionals) no matter how long I was under I’d come up to the surface more accomplished and realising along the way that the ocean wasn’t empty – I was joining and being joined along the way by other surfers as I look to my right and my left. Hold your hand out fellow surfer your hand is being held in mine as mine has been held by others xxxx
Wow, I love this surfer metaphor!! Riding the wave. Working with it. Instead of against it.
Sherri Webster says
Lisa- Thank you for your gift of honesty and grace at such a tender time. Both your story and Patrick’s have touched me and your ability to share your love and loss have been inspiring. I lost my precious father 7 years ago very suddenly and it never occurred to me that this experience could be labeled PTSD. It makes so much sense framing it that way. I also loved the surfing analogy, when grieve swells and you are riding that wave I have also learned that it is somewhat easier to just allow it to break the wave and walk (ride) towards it instead of fighting it. Live is a lot of learning, isn’t it? Thank you for sharing yours’ with us all. Blessings!
Sue Gaff says
I feel exactly the same way. 7 years for me on
4/30.. I feel like I am waiting to die. I gained a lot of weight, was looking at my doctor’s report…all the things I have as a result of this. I saw CHF, that scares me. But enough to lose the weight? I don’t know. I was in a rehab hospital as a result of a fall in the shower. I need to go to PT but put it off because I was having really bad allergies. I don’t do much of anything. My sister moved about 30 miles away, I am sure her husband did not want to live so close if something happened to me. Mom died 2 1/2 years ago…other sister doesn’t talk to me…only my cat and dog are loyal to me!!! Tried to travel a little but too hard with other women. Life is great. Yeah…
Yeah, sounds like a dark place. If you aren’t seeing someone, you might consider seeing a licensed therapist. He/She might help you through this rough spot (sometimes we need that extra hand up). That’s what I did, and it’s helped.
You and Patrick were magic. I just recently watched the 2 of you dancing at the World Music Awards, a tribute to Whitney Houston’s music. It brought tears to my eyes. The beauty and grace with which you and Patrick owned that stage. Your magical connection that was felt by all. When you lose a soulmate, the ache and emptiness is enduring. Remember the love that was shared between the 2 of you. Let his continued Love for you carry you through this tough time. Have you danced, lately? Live your Magic, Lisa. It is still within you. Much Love, Dearest 1.
Holly ritchie says
You are the most amazing, inspiring, kind hearted woman I have had the pleasure of learning about. I read your book in 3 days and then both yours and Patricks in 5. And they were both individually inspiring stories.
Life, is what you make of it. Keep your head held high full of positive thoughts and remember that you will always have memories and love.
In the most respectful way, I could read your books/blog and watch your interviews all day. Because they empower me to live life to the full. Which is what I’ve felt your whole mindset has been like since 2009. It’s so infectious in the most positive way.
Stay strong Lisa. You deserve to be happy.
Chris Klein-Goss says
Dear Lisa, I’m RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. I lost my Dad and my Husband, 72 days apart in 2014, then got a broken disc in my neck, EXTREME pain for 3 mos. I was looking for a cliff, after the pain killers quit working. Fortunately, I was rescued by a Saintly Surgeon, and am fine now. However, the grief of loosing my husband is perpetual; it comes and goes like the seasons. I do everything that I can to uplift my spirits, and have made good progress. I am 70, very positive, in good health, and want to enjoy living. The Garden, my Adult Children, Dear Girlfriends, social activities all bring me enjoyment, but there’s no one here to talk to.. that’s my hardest part. Then I play “Who Loves You” by Frankie Valli, and go to pieces… all over again…I would like a companion, to share coffee or dinner with; just some company. I think we are each having to find value in the self we always were, but put aside for the needs of the one we loved and lost. Now, we are starting over, but it’s in later years, not a new semester at school. The challenge is harder to face, and the pity-pot is always lurking in the shadows, next to the spectre of grief. I have determined that I want to Honor my Husband, my Dad & Mom too, and the best way to do that is to live the Best Life I can, with what they provided and taught me. I have opened my heart to the new, which is also the unknown. The loss of our Dearest One is the loss of the known, and the comforting security that provided. Now, I am at the Dance of Life again, waiting to see if anyone else will want to dance with me now… (I met Bob by asking him to dance) We all grieve differently, and in our own time.. I think of you often, and always with a prayer. I believe women are the stronger of the species, that’s why we so often outlive the men; Even if they can lift more logs than we can. Life has ALWAYS meant loss, whether sooner, later, or MUCH later.. When we Marry with all the joy, flowers, plans, and happiness, we don’t realize we are making a commitment that if we stay together always, one of us must eventually bury the other….a startling realization. Now that we are the ‘leavee’ we must choose each day, whether to live in Joy or Grief… we wind up choosing both in different measure. My Mother always said “You’ve Got to have HOPE”. I try to live up to her standards, and maintain hope. May Hope and Joy accompany the Love in your life, every day…. Thanks so much for this soul-bearing opportunity to share with loving, like-minded, and grieving hearts and, is there room to share coffee …?
Oh, my goodness, Chris. You moved me so much by what you wrote (and did so beautifully). I hope others will read it, too. Thank you from me for sharing so deeply. You are a gem.
Ps. When I was first dating Albert, a guy wrote in who had been in a long relationship himself, and wished me luck, saying said that once you’ve had a long, and successful relationship, such as I’d had, it’s only naturally to want that again. Ya know?
Patricia Curtis says
Wonderfully said Lisa, you are a very special lady. I had watched you and Patrick dance together and what a beautiful sight to watch.
I listened on TV to you and Patrick talk about his illness, when Patrick came close to the end. So very touching. Tears would not stop running.
I believe it was 2010 when Dancing with the Stars paid their tribute to Patrick. It was a wonderful sight to watch with so many at DWTS emotions along with mine.
I loved all his movies. I love you both.
To me you are a special friend, you are a strong lady.
Thank you, Patricia.
Jim Allmon says
Well said Lisa. You are an amazing author. My dad passed away over 23 years ago and there isn’t a day I don’t think about him. It might be because someone reminded me of him or a mannerism or a piece of advice he gave me about life. My dad was a very old school cowboy – something Buddy and I talked about often – how similar our dads were. I was always amazed at how dumb I thought my dad was when I was 16 and then was amazed at how smart he had gotten by the time I was 25 or so. He was a very black and white kind of guy – no gray areas. It was either right or it was wrong. When he passed I was stunned at how much I lost in not having him in my life, how much my children lost. But he left me with a strong work ethic and an even stronger appreciation of life. Buddy had that same appreciation of life. He always craved to learn new things and reveled in any new knowledge he gained. You too had/have that same infectious desire to learn and do new things. I know first hand that you have had to deal with a lot after Buddy died and you have handled it with grace and class. Keep it up Lisa, the world needs more of you.
lori brosh says
Oh, my! How very touching, your writing is. After reading this, I can’t help but think also of Buddy’s dear mother, and the pain and anguish she must have also felt ……Buddy was flesh of her flesh and bone of her bone, and only a mother knows the depth of that kind of love. I do hope, in the years before she passed from this earth, you clung to each other for comfort. What a blessing, for the two most important women in Buddy’s life, that they had each other for a time, to share the pain and honor his memory.
Julie Clements England says
Hi Lisa You are an amazing woman who I respect with all my heart you have grieved with us, and shared your journey through and I feel you have helped many people going through this.Life is special as we share it with very special people we will never forget but we will move on and make more memories.
I was only chatting to a friend today about my wonderful husband Graham who died now over 25yrs ago, but still never not be with me although I have new life with husband and son I still have room in my heart for him. I believe going forward I am still feeling he is with me in spirit but it is a lovely feeling. Love to you and Albert take care God Bless love Julie xxxoxox
Lisa, I think we all who loved Patrick feel your pain, but for you he was constant for us just a beloved actor and for me Arabian and poodle lover :-). You will get through this and a little at a time the big hurt will subside it will never be completely gone but will remain a beautiful memory of a wonderful man and friend. Embrace your life from here on give yourself challenges daily maybe only little ones or work towards a big one, but keep busy and always remember you are much loved by a huge amount of people who all wish they could take away the hurt for you. — You are much loved 🙂
Kathryn Eagle says
Beautifully written x
Dear Lisa , there are not many words in these moments , even if the words are an excuse not to plunge and a support in the difficult ascent trying to get ahead.What she writes is very touching , real and personal , the whole human .ha right to feel so , his thoughts and his feelings are legitimate and although I have not a ‘ personal experience I think these great pains profoundly change people and serves a lifetime to accept and understand the sense.Go on day after day Lisa! Turn this pain into love , is the only way to make sense..So that may seem rhetorical ( and that life is not a movie ) , but the final words of the ghost film ” the love you have inside you bring it with you ” are the key to open from within.you think it is easy for me to speak, but open to the world to open a channel , a way to soothe let pass all, why give meaning to a pain so big and so great but staying close to a girlfriend suddenly left a widow with two young children and another who lost his only child of two and a half years leads me to make these thoughts.Courage Lisa , many people like me the estimate and think .
Thank you very much for your testimony to its share .
Marilena ( a mother of 43 years ) who lives Italy .
P.S.Mi apologize for bad English I had to use google translator.
Cara Lisa,mi dispiace molto di non capire bene l’inglese.È bellissimo quello che condivide,tante persone si ritrovano nei suoi sentimenti.Il cancro è davvero una brutta bestia.Io stessa ho subito l’asportazione dell’utero due anni fa per un carcinoma molto aggressivo,preso fortunatamente in tempo.Ringrazio per aver portato a casa la vita,mi fosse venuto in un altro posto forse ora non sarei qui.Attorno a me,tante persone malate che combattono.non sono più meritevole di altri,eppure Dio ha voluto così e io non posso fare altro che ringraziare e pregare per chi invece non ce la farà.
Condividere un’esperienza di dolore è una cosa molto coraggiosa.Il dolore va condiviso altrimenti diventa disperazione.Come l’amore va condiviso perché si moltiplichi.
Ho scoperto da poco il suo blog.Patrick era il mio attore preferito.Profonda stima per i suoi film,la sua bravura,e il vostro amore cosi scelto.Ogni giorno.Raro di questi tempi.
Peccato che la vostra biografia non esista tradotta in italiano.
le persone che amiamo restano dentro di noi per sempre,non muoiono mai,la loro eredità di gesti,pensieri,convinzioni valori
rimane a noi e dobbiamo portarla avanti,custodirla come tesoro prezioso al quale attingere ogni giorno.
Solo così le persone non muoiono mai.
E lei scrive,ricorda,racconta perché Patrick è dentro di lei.È meraviglioso questo!!
Con stima e affetto
Barbara Turel says
I was missing your posts. They help me lot after I lost my 54 years old husband on 2/23/2006
We love you Lisa. You will never got over your lost. You will learn to live with this. I did, took me 10 years.
Jean Horsley says
I understand exactly how you think and feel. I lost my wonderful husband 14 years ago from brain cancer, he was 54 when diagnosed and I cared for him ( and like you, only him) for nearly 10 months. Pain, grief, loss and anger have always remained however gently now, still within me.
I have an amazing new man in my life for the past three years who is also very understanding but I often see a sadness in his eyes, he knows I can never fully recover and tells me he’s here to spoil me and look out for me. I think God sent him into my life as it was just too hard.
My life style has changed dramatically as I now travel the world which I had never done before in my 68 years. I married Colin when I was 17 and he was 18 so when he passed away my life as I knew it stopped suddenly.
Thank you for printing your thought and feelings, I now understand that there is nothing wrong with me. It’s just LIFE.
We do continue to grow, we have to.
Jean from Sydney, Australia (a Patrick fan from way back..)
Sorry to say for most of us we are still fighting the battle after 26 years. It is not easy when you love as deeply as some of us do. All I can say is hang in there and cry when you feel like crying, laugh when you feel like laughing but never forget the love you had for that “special someone”. Always remember, never forget. We will see them again someday, and the crying will stop and it will be a beautiful life again.
Hi Lisa, thanks for sharing this. Gosh you have been through it. Your experiences echo what my Mum is going through right now.
Sometimes it’s difficult to know what to say. Sometimes I wish time would just jump back long enough for my Mum and Vic to have a few more experiences of laughter, freedom and expression. But it will not. Time is cunning and nobody’s servant. One minute you think you have it all then your chasing against it.
I think Michael Fokine once did a piece about time, I never saw it, but I bet it was not illustrated as a kind and caring entity.
Kathy Berry says
I saw this post on my brother Sam Folio’s FB. As you know Sammy lost his wife Monica, unexpectedly. She was a monumental part of our lives, especially as a teenager. She & Sammy would take my sister & I on adventures. Many memorable reunions.
Your story certainly will help many who have lost special people.
Sammy would tell me stories when he & Patrick would be together. I was so excited that he & Monica were your friends.
I am glad you have moved on, but it is only human nature not to ever forget the ones who have left us. We are the ones, who suffer. I know Patrick is eternally happy & just maybe dancing on a Cloud or Moon with Monica.
Kathy Folio Berry
Milene Nemeth says
Thank You for this article!! Today would have been our 53 Anniversary plus this night on our 49th Anniversary he died!! It never gets easier for me He was my True Love & my Life since I was 15 years old 50 years because we dated for a year!! I was devastated & still miss Him everyday I have Beautiful memories but he was not just my Love but my Best Friend I miss most His Voice an talking for hrs together!!! It’s so Hard sometimes I scream Why did u leave me it helps me coop!!! We did so much together it’s hard going to things alone!!! I just had a 5 month old great grandson die an Boy that was terrible a baby boy Cashius an to face it alone what a BAD time no one to hold me an comfort me only one friend Donna put her arms around me I sobbed like a baby!! Everyone thinks I’m fine but not inside my Love is gone with my heart broken!!! Sorry laid this on you!! I’ll go an cry myself to sleep on our anniversary!!
Angel Frolander says
Today is my husband’s (I hate the term “late” husband) birthday. He passed away just over 5 years ago from pancreatic cancer as well. I read your book and identify with SO much of that journey. Now, as I am still trying to navigate this world without him, I identify so much with the words you have published today.
I agree with your conclusion of PTSD. No one goes through that kind of trauma (my husband lived and fought for 2 years 5 months), without some kind of residual effects. And, I lived and fought every step of the way with him. Then everything stopped. He died and there I was. How do you just go on again? I was 49 years old and never contemplated living my life without him.
A couple years ago, I stopped at the bank and was helped by a banker I had known for years but hadn’t seen in a while. She asked me how long it had been since my husband had died. I told her he had been gone for three years and immediately my eyes filled with tears. I tried to apologize thinking she would find me pathetic for crying at such a simple question. Quickly she patted my hand and said, “oh honey, don’t feel bad. My husband has been gone 10 years and I still cry.”
Oh, the sisterhood we share with others that are traveling the same path. Thank you for your words. Sometimes it just helps knowing that there are others out there facing the same struggles.
Laura Hawley says
Something about him seems to be amplified in the universe lately. I saw a clip of the end of DD and thought-20 year olds may not understand so many fans posting these clips after 28 years. Will they get who he was, what he stood for,his passion for his wife, his raw talent and that there will never be another? It was depressing.
Then I saw a clip from a new Point Break? I thought why would they bother? Back to you…
Your spirit is just tired right now. It will come back. When it does -make a bucket list to check off because regardless of our pain and fear of loss- we know there is much less time left and what would you want to do that you haven’t yet if you got terrible news? Maybe nothing right now but on a good day? What did you have planned w Patrick to still do that you and Albert can still do?
You went full speed ahead after he died, warrior mode, giving speeches, pushing it down the road sometimes by being busy. Now that you have let life slow down a lil, it is there still waiting. The reality. The pain. The grief. Maybe you have to fall apart to come back together. Girl you know grief and strength really don’t go together. .not when we are authentic in our core about it. It is searing. I have always been a strong woman but when I faced grief, it kicked my behind and I had no idea what to do with this weak woman that looked just like me. It was so uncomfortable. Not being able to beat something. So I just sat in it and let it happen. I couldn’t go around it. I had to go through it if I had any chance at coming out the other side.
Patrick seemed to feel everything from his fingers to toes and sometimes I think you do too. When you are getting a goal accomplished-100 percent. You are now feeling the bad 100 percent. This just makes you a passionate person. I know you will come out w the same warrior spirit and decide to wring out every bit of good, fun, happiness the rest of your life has to offer. You are just in hiatus, feeling the ugly that must be felt, maybe take up boxing and get it out when you are ready.
Let go of your expectations of how to, what to and just get raw, feel it and you will get through. Blessings and hugs.
As he whispers…you’re still you.
Andréa Macário says
Que Deus abençoe tua vida, Lisa.
Jeannie Wagner says
Every single word. Exactly. Precisely. Painfully. It’s been seven years and I too have found love again and this is my constant struggle.
Thank you Lisa for putting pen to paper and giving us a voice and a companion in this joyless journey of grief.
Patti Brooks says
Lost my Daughter 24 years ago, I have good days and bad days. I feel emotionally handicapped at times! So enjoy your wonderful comments about Patrick! I kept a journal for long time after I lost Beth, Helped to put my thoughts down on paper! I admire you Lisa, will keep you in my prayers!
Cherrylmaree Rudd says
I have been wondering how things were going with you. Your journey is understood.
Pain shared validates that we are not alone in grief ( whatever it’s cause ) You are a winner and life has much, much more joy to offer.
You are in my prayers. Sending hugs always
carole goodman says
Well Lisa I can certainly relate to your feelings. I have been there done that , and my heart truly goes out to you . As a fan of both of you and Patrick my heart aches for you . I was widowed at age 45. married only 10 years , also lost a stepson , 8 years old to cancer whom I looked after , the pain dims but never goes away. I have a son who has been having a lot of problems ( pancreatic not cancer yet ) he is 50 and is a double for Patrick , people used to stop him on the street and ask him if he was Patrick Swayze , he is shy and would say sorry no. 🙂 Anyway my heart is with you , I am 74 now and it still lives in my heart. Keep busy and treat yourself lots 🙂 .
Beth Earl says
We found out on March 8 2008 that my husband had “pancreatic cancer” on April 22 2008 he was gone. What was I going to do, we had been together 33 years, 30 of those married, had 3 boys. I didn’t know how to be Beth all I knew how to be was Dan and Beth. It sucked and still does, my kids are my rocks I don’t know what I would do without them. Life goes on though I have 3 beautiful grandkids, Danny wanted to be a grandpa so bad sometimes I feel guilty. Well I will miss him and will think of him everyday for the rest of my life but I know all those feelings you talk about so well it was like I was reading what was in my head. So thank you for listening although it sucks its nice to know I’m not alone.
I am always touched by your posts Lisa…your struggles and pain. Just 5 weeks ago the love of my life suffered a massive stroke at 47. Way too young. He is recovering slowly…very slowly. Sometimes I wonder if he is all still there. But I carry on and will continue. Your post reminds me again that life is way too short. I struggle with taking time for myself during his recovery. I’m taking care of the farm and working full time as well as taking care of him. Sometimes I think it will never end. But I can say this….he is still here with me right now so I have to keep the most positive attitude I can while he is here. You are an inspiration to many. Thank you for your posts.. they mean so much to many people.
Thank you for this. I lost my husband Charlie almost 3 years ago to the same disease that took your Patrick. Your story and your courage and your words touch me deeply and inspire me greatly. I’m still here too, putting one foot in front of the other, some days more effectively than others! Please know how much it means to me to know that there are other really amazing people like you doing the same.
….wow… do I nod my head, smile wrly, weep for what should have been but isn’t? I didn’t realize that is what is going on with me… I am somewhat relieved… it is a struggle to push past the feelings of ‘what’s the point? ‘..
Lord I wish I could just curl up in Mom’s lap like when I was little. She would make it better.. It’s on me …. I know I can do it. .. just haven’t figured out how.
Jackie from South Africa says
Hi Lisa….I can’t believe you wrote this particular blog as just yesterday I read the following article by a Caregiver (this is just an excerpt) “How the dying can teach us to live…..I sit on the threshold of death with him, knowing that one day I, too, will pass through this intangible and inescapable gateway. This experience, this awareness, fills me with gratitude and appreciation for each moment of my life and connects me to every living being that has ever existed. This perspective both comforts me and enriches my life. It is a gift. The man letting go of life right before my eyes is teaching me how to live.” Lisa, after reading this article I immediately thought of you! Even though I’ve read your book a few times…..it really hit home the enormity of your situation with Patrick. I understand that you are dealing with PTSD. An unwanted breakup, divorce., death……one is never the same again…..The happiness and inner peace doesn’t come naturally anymore…..its seems that one has to work hard at feeling happy! . Sometimes any form of depression is an uphill battle and sometimes needs to be managed indefinitely……so I agree ……”life – it ain’t for the faint hearted” We, who read your blogs respect you Lisa. We respect that you are Patrick’s wife and what you mean’t to him. Hang in there Lisa. ….lots of love and strength to you. Xxxx
I love what that woman wrote! So true. I’m going to copy it, and print it out!
I understand what you say about having to “work” at feeling happy. For me, I’ve been, like, hey wait a minute, I’ve been a good person, I’ve done the right thing, aren’t I suppose to be rewarded for that? That’s what they said. And then you find out that life isn’t fair. Have to say, I’ve been a little ticked-off about that. I’m thinking at some point I’ll just put my big-girl pants on. But so far, I’ve found that I’m still a little fragile.
Jackie from South Africa says
I was going to type out more of the article. …..but some of it was just too raw…..and I didn’t think you needed to read all that….after all you experienced it first hand!!! But what I did type out was more inspirational…..and does put things in perspective. I agree….many good people who do the right thing can be so tested by life…..but it’s these people (like you) who then use their circumstances to show empathy to others, share, teach lessons, support etc……and you have shown what a great human being you are Lisa. I know you have really been tested…..but you are so appreciated by all for sharing your journey. Thank you, thank you….as you have been a great help for me personally over the last 5 years with your books and blogs. Xxxx p.s. I love the pic of you standing on your porch in New Mexico……looks like such a magical place. Would be so nice to read a blog about your tara (as you once called it! ……..
I’m at Tara now, and feel so much peace here!
Jackie from South Africa says
Ahhh. …that’s great Lisa. Your Tara has been a positive constant for you. There’s a reason they call the state of New Mexico the land of enchantment!! Enjoy!
Gail Northwood (Murray) says
When you feel to, try this poem on:
Wear your brave undies everyday
Don’t dwell in dull tones
Blaze in full colour
Love from the centre
Smile at the future
Sing (dance :)) as if your soul depended on it
Speak up for the voiceless
Hug with both arms
Don’t allow fear to cripple your dreams
Or intimidation to silence your voice
We are a vapour
The earth well
Ruthee E. Carnegie (the late, NZ)
Barbara A. McLure says
Dear Lisa, I want to say, first, that my heart goes out to you. For some reason my daughter & I talk about Patrick & Lisa, for the last several months. Perhaps it could of started by Lynne showing me YouTube videos of you and your BeLoved Patrick riding your Arabian horses. We too had Arabian horses, & showed them at the Houston Live Stock Show & Rodeo. My neice, Cori, ran up to tell us that Patrick Swazy complimented about her horse Mista Dem! This was around 1987 or 1988. My daughter, rode her horse Royal Sharee, in the same class as Mrs.Tom McNair. We really enjoyed the horse shows, as I am sure you & Patrick did. You’re in my thoughts & prayers. Sincerely Barbara McLure “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His Purpose.” Romans 8:28
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer. It was so hard, though I can only imagine it pales in comparison to losing a spouse. I miss dad every day, I carry him with me in my heart, and wear him around my neck (in a locket). I try to channel my emotions into the fight against cancer, by fundraising for Maine Cancer Foundation through my Tri for a Cure efforts, or donating to others who are raising money to fight the disease. It helps and gives me a sense of purpose. The pain never goes away, it does become more tolerable, at least for me. Thank you for you honest words and sharing with so many. I read your book as well. You and Patrick had a great life, you both fought valiantly, and he is at peace now. He will always be with you, and I am sure he is hugging you through these times, wishing he could do more. ❤️❤️❤️
After I lost Patrick, people told me that, yes, the pain would never go away, but it would get more manageable. I’ve found that to be true. Even though I’m going through a rocky stretch at the moment, it’s nothing like the searing pain I had for the first few years.
Thank you for supporting the fight against cancer, Sista!!!!
Pete Kizer says
You are in our prayers. I admire your courage. I’m sure Patrick does, too.
I am very sorry for what all of you have been going through. It is not fair and gruesome that someone has to endure this at all, both the sick person and the ones that left behind and that something like cancer exists at all. I also lost beloved people, my long lasting penpal died with cancer this year in the age of 58 on the same day my father died, although my father died not with cancer and was 92 years old (my mother died in 2009, they adopted me, I turned 40 this year). But it does not matter in which age someone leaves us it is always very sad and it is worse if the second part of a parent leaves and you realize you have no parents any more. My husband said to me I have just to believe that what we can expect after we died have to be wonderful. I watch Morgan Freeman’s series “Story of God” which is very interesting and strengthened the faith of the afterlife. I wish all of you much strength for the upcoming time.
Valerie uram says
Thank you for sharing this struggle. . I’m in my third year of living without my husband of 35 years. He also died from pancreatic cancer. Putting one step in front of the other is exactly what I’m doing. Sleep walking through life at times and almost child like in my inability to make decisions at times. I had to move from our home of 12 years and belongings of 35 years quickly in order to come back where family and friends are. The other day while speaking with a bank and making notes of the conversation ( the fog has lifted at times but still there when I could use clear thinking). I flipped through the notebook I absent mindadly picked up and saw detailed entries of mine about current chemo combination and what blood levels needed to be in order to get an injection to help white counts. I communicated with his doctors and nurses and hospitals and did research 24/7. Another page are notes months after he died and I was trying to refinance our home in order to stay in it. I sat and read those and thought who was that capable person, how did I do all that?
My son was catistrophically Ill 3 months ago at Stanford where my husband had his surgery and although I was stressed beyond what I thought was humanly possible, I did it , I was his advocate (he is hard of hearing) while his wife worked and took care of two little ones. The second year was worse realizing this is what life is now. Who is this woman I see in the mirror in this familiar but strange place? I often wondered why was I alive due to lack of interest.
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read your post today I am grateful Chris Parrish posted it on FB. Thank you. Woman are strong aren’t we? We are goddesses!! What also popped up was “no one can possibly know unless you have been through it.” I will thank my son today for being my rock and my friends who prop me up and still want to be with me even though I’m not the strong happy funny person I was before.
Wishing for everyone a less rocky ride and more joy in what life has to offer.
Oh, my gosh. You sound exactly like me. Three years is still pretty fresh. It WILL get better, aka more manageable. I’ve had trouble with the brain cells myself lately, and my sense is that there’s a part of my brain that’s going, “what’s the point?” It’s like your whole world has been shaken up, and dumped out in a new, helter skelter order. What??? I think there’s something important to learn here though. And I’m muddling my way through as I put my life back together again.
So sorry you are going through this. My best, Lisa
Valerie uram says
Lisa a PS to my reply something you might identify with
One step forward and two back is not failure it’s the Cha Cha
Hah! Why not?
How true! But life is still special,right? We don’t know from where we have come or where we will go after this LIFE is over, but till then let’s do our best to enjoy this mind boggling ephemeral existence….take care
Dear Lisa, as I see Your new blog I was happy and Said finally!! But as I started Reading a sense of sadness pervaded me!I’m sorry about what you have been tbrough.I wish you were happy now.I Know you could have never forgotten Your Patrick but I was happy For Your new life with Your new husband..I must admit: When I Read about Your marriage I thought: How could she marry another man? Sorry!!But I was happy you had stepped forward after so much suffering!Patrick was a special man and I wish he could see How many People still love him.you could say:” Who are all these People saying they miss him? They have never Known him!We Know that you and His family are the only ones who can say that…we are nobody.But believe me we all miss a person Like him.After Reading His biography I realised that he was at the same time fearless and fragile- it seems he used to fear to fail … Maybe because the way His mother grown him up…she asked him to do His best…and maybe he sometimes felt to not be good enough.I would him to Know that we all appreciate what he have done in His full and passionate life. He must be proud of himself.A big Kiss from Italy to you and you Albert.I guess it is hard For him Too!
Patrick was a bright, shining light. I’m happy he made a difference in so many people’s life. And I know he would be, too.
My best to you! L
Thanks Lisa..yes he made a difference in our lives…just the way now you are making the same difference..keep on talking to us..
Thanks Lisa.you are right..he made the difference in our lives just the way now you are making the difference! Hang on..when one lives a difficult and painful moments there ‘s no time to think about youself..but when everything finishes you collapse.no matter How much time had passed…a week or several years..facing reality is hard
Jola Jędrzejczak says
Dear Lisa. We live on different continents ,we are not speaking the same language ,and it turns out that we have a lot with our selves shared. Your book showed me my life with your eyes.then “it” i saw and i feld.It from the moment tolive and let us say took a burden for me off the balk. Well can then again smile…. I think Lisa and i ‘m sorry for my English . It’s hard briefly to manifest it self and i regret that we will never meet because i feel that you are very much for me close. I’m greeting from Poland
Thank you, Jola.
Heard “She’s like the wind” this morning in the radio during driving to the office. I love that song and yes, Patrick definately left a positive mark on us that we will always remember and I looked to the sky and I had to smile because I thought on Lisa’s words that he would be happy that he made a difference in so many people’s life.
Hey Lisa, going to Greece this year once again. Have you ever been to the Northern Sporades Skiathos, Skopelos, Alonnisos? The pictures promises picturesque and breathtaking landscapes.
Actually, we’re going to be on the west coast of Greece this summer. Looking forward to it!
What a coincidence ;-)! Enjoy! We count the days and there are not so much left anymore ;-). Looking forward to it, too! We later in summer going with friends to Tuscany. We have never been there but we think it is also both, picturesque and breathtaking and romantically.
Dear Lisa. I adore to read your blog, or else i will always something precious here for myself. When your shared photographs from Patrick’s -nobody will deny that he is beating love and passion from tchem. For now after bereavement it is beautiful that is possible to have such memories. But the fact that still about it you are celebrating the memory is propably the most beautiful thing ,it is if to feel the presence and supports of this loved person. namely i this way have. Your book helped me to take best decision and today i’m changing my life and little steps, i’m getting my cells.I thank you for her ,for this ray(you know most propably what i mean). I only regret that never not speaking,we won’t see ourselves.Today i’m not afraid of changes. I wish you love and joy in the connection from Abert.Sorry for my English. I’m greating nice and warm from Poland. kisses:)
Dear Lisa i love your blog and your book . I’m greating from Poland
Lisa just another thing…as I told you before there are lots of People still loving him…I often Read in Internet “rest in peace Patrick”! I can’t imagine him to rest..I imagine him still dancing, riding free a White arabian horse…happy, in harmony,I hope he is not resting at all!! I hope he is still enjoing a fully existence..no matter where..ok , we Know, he isn’ t on this earth any longer..but in a better place..his passion hasn’ t faded away.
Megan Miers says
Thank you for writing this, Lisa. I read “Worth Fighting For” and many of the things you and Patrick went through during his fight reminded me of what we went through with my mom. She passed away in November 2007 after a 17 1/2-month fight against brain cancer (glioblastoma multiforme). GBM carries with it the same dismal prognosis and limited number of treatments that pancreatic cancer does. It’s awful stuff and I would not wish it on anyone.
May 25 is my mom’s birthday and, this year, marks the 10-year anniversary of her emergency brain surgery and diagnosis. The reminders are always there and I don’t think anyone can watch someone they love go through something like that and not come out of it with some form of PTSD. It’s comforting to know that there are others out there who “get” what I, you and anyone else who’s ever lost someone have gone and are going through.
Thanks, Megan. It’s a life and death battle, right? You give it everything you’ve got.
Dear sweet Lisa,
He’s still here and he still loves you.
When you think you can feel him holding you, he really is.
Don’t stop talking to him, he listens. And answers.
Hugs to heaven and back,
Gill Marshall says
I think it’s wonderful how that long after very simple, ordinary day-to-day experiences, either alone or shared with those we have loved, suddenly become shining bright in our memory – funny little things like hunting carefully through the rubbish bin for a teaspoon, part of a set, that you believe you have thrown away by mistake, and emerging triumphant from the task with an aching back and very grubby hands. – or racing indoors at the start of a shower of heavy raindrops, smelling that strange smell that rain makes on tarmac – or accidentally treading on the cat’s tail and chasing after him to say sorry, and he’s not impressed! You come to realise that these seemingly little things are really the big things, especially when shared with a (sometimes amused, sometimes proud of you, sometimes impatient and sometimes sympathetic) onlooker like your darling Buddy, and now your newer husband. And these memories of these little, ordinary things, that just happen and are not forced, are the really precious things that cannot be taken away from you. When they come into your mind, they are as real as when they actually happened. When I feel down I remember that settled feeling of the real goodness of the mundane riches with which God surrounds each one of us – the times when we were utterly grounded and content and knew ourselves to be in our secret, right place in life. I know we cannot replace one person with another, and that each and every person we are close to is an entirely different proposition We would be doing people a disservice if we tried to repeat old experiences shared with someone else in the past. I strongly believe that each new morning is ripe with possibility of times to be shared between, first, you and God, and then, immediately, you and other people – and God knows you, and will lovingly steer you when you can’t see what is going on, and may be feeling terrible and swamped and desolated. People say tough times are character-building, and not without reason. These trials can, if allowed to, make you into an altogether sweeter, kinder and more glowing person. (Not that you aren’t all those things already!). It’s a secret, inner process, and it will go to form a big part of your generous contribution to other people, who cannot possibly see the hidden world inside you, just as you are not party to their hidden world, no matter how well you think you know them. And this goes for your knowlege of your husband, too! We must generously allow others give their contribution to us, too, and not jump down their throats when they seem to fall short of perfection or try to dominate! God bless you richly, Lisa, and reward you for your habitual openness and generosity of spirit, and give you just sufficient close friends to keep you real and sweet and to bring you security, belly laughs and happiness. PS I’m older than you, but I’m still trying to be 35!
Thank you – L
I lost my precious husband of 31 years 3 days ago on Saturday May 7. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2007 so we’ve been fighting for 9 years and had some great times since then but the last year and half has been very difficult and the last few months were horrible.
I’m heartbroken beyond words and so lost. Even though I knew it was coming it was impossible to imagine the reality of the loss. He was my everything, we were still like kids together. I wish it was a year from now, or even 5 years from now. We don’t have kids but our dog is a comfort to me. I just want to escape the pain that I know is coming. Any words of wisdom on getting through the next few days/weeks would be most welcome.
I understand what you mean when you say you wish it were a year, or even, five years from now. Every day after Patrick died, I couldn’t wait to get to sleep and the day to be over. It’s like, maybe, if I got more days behind me, I’d feel better. Like I was trying to get into a future.
I am so sorry you lost your husband. And I am so sorry for the painful journey you are on now. I’m afraid to say, there is no easy way to get through this – it’s hard. But know this – your pain WILL get more manageable. You will smile again. And you will find yourself laughing when you think of something funny he said. It also gave me encouragement to know that many others managed to survive the loss that I was going through. If they could do it, so could I.
My best advice is to connect with other widows/widowers. Whether that is through personal connections, or grief groups. We are brothers and sisters. No one understands the pain we are going through like another that is experiencing the same. Having another really know what you’re going through can help in those times when you need “talking off the ledge.” Ya, know? And all the crazy thoughts and feelings you feel, you find that they are not so off-the-wall.
Hang in there, Girlfriend. And when you can, put one foot in front of the other. XXL
You standing on the porch after Your Patrick died seems to represent the calm after a storm..but the storm was in Your soul…he was not in the picture but His soul is around you holding Your loneliness. ..the wood on the ground…as he has just cut it to warm the coldness of Your heart..words cannot explain better Your feeling….that picture moved me to tears.full of dignity in Your sorrow.
Hi Lisa! I’m from a town of Sevilla (Spain) .and on Twitter! I’m very interasada to read your books but can not find in Spanish! I know that you will be asked a lot of things around here and you will write many people and obviously not have time to answer everyone! I love to have a picture signed, I’m very excited! Although not if you got here to read or this! Here my little request is! a greeting and a big hug! my mood
Thank you for looking for my book! Although, it’s been published in 5+ countries, I don’t believe it’s been published in Spain. Wish it were!
Angie hopfensperger says
I’ve been a fan of your husbands work and you know
I am very sorry
I do know a lot about loss
Tools from my tool kit
Expression is helpful to me
I paint when it hurts so bad And I fight it hiding to articulate
And I work it out
And staying in trigger times
Close to my loves or loves me
So much love and support
I hope you feel the blanket of warmth when you need it most
May we all carry on
Knowing we can hold hands hold our heart together
And it makes it durable and passing
It does cycle and get better in ways we done predict allways cycling
My heart support
Again I m sorry
But also am glad to see good love examples
Michele seymore says
I lost my mother in October of 2012. I micromanaged her care as well. I too had The notebooks full of medications, doctor appointments, notes and treatment schedules. The endless nights pouring over books and the internet to educate myself on the cancer she had, to the extent that when I would call the hospital for an emergency and begin to talk to her doctor he said “are you a physician? Because you talk like one!”. I worked so hard to help her and she’s still gone! I still don’t talk about it much, I guess it’s easier to try and file it away and float along waiting for the next disater. That came last June when my dad called and said he did not feel well. (Dad never gets sick let alone calls to tell me). I knew it was a heat attach and called amed from my house seven miles away frome him. I made it to his house in five minutes! (I drove it like I stole it!) I guess I still have it! Now I have “the notebooks” for him. I have come to accept me the way I am. I take care of people. But as I get older I wonder…. Who will take care of me?
From what you write, I can tell that you are a survivor, with great strength, and courage, and those attributes will serve you well, no matter what you do, or what happens. You obviously have a big heart. That love you feel in your heart will find it’s way back to you. It’s such a powerful thing. I know you know feel the depths of this power.
There are “smiles” ahead. XXL
Sending you so much Love and Light . You’re an inspiration to all of us . So full of grace , yet , so down to earth .
Jackie from South Africa says
Happy Anniversary for the 25th Lisa. Hope you and Albert have many happy years together. Also…..Happy, happy 60th for the 26th. A special milestone birthday. May this decade bring you much joy, contentment and FUN!!!
Thank you, Jackie!
Lisa, you need to write another book! Your style of writing is both beautiful and honest. You have so many people who relate with your situation and genuinely care about what happens with you. The Journey Continues….see, I gave you your title! ? Really, think about it, okay?
Thanks for the encouragement! It’s been hard for me to start. But I’m determined to get “back on that horse” again! Soon!
We Will wait! Ireally enjoyed Your book.so inspiring.
Andrea Carlo says
I’m a 19-year-old Italian/British university student in the UK, a freshman in theology and religious studies. I just wanted to say thank you for all the awareness that you have raised for pancreatic cancer and cancers in general. I’ve lost a few of my relatives and nearly lost a friend of mine to cancer and while I am fortunate enough to say that my closest family is still alive and healthy, I’ve gotten a small taste of what it’s like to lose someone to this disease. I can’t imagine the pain when it’s someone so close to you as Patrick was, be it a partner, parent, child, sibling, close relative or friend.
I just wanted to remark on what an inspiration Patrick was on so many lives and even simply mine. I never got to know who Patrick was until I recently saw a film of his, ‘Ghost’, on television. Immediately I was engrossed by his acting ability, but upon discovering his other work, realised what a man of profound sentiment and ability he was. It immediately pained me greatly to discover he had passed a few years before, and that I had ultimately missed my chance to write, speak or thank him for what he did.
What immediately struck me upon seeing him, both in films and interviews, is the depth and integrity he had. There was clearly a goodness of spirit which I rarely see in many celebrities and famous personalities nowadays. Popular culture has left us so jaded because of the sheer amount of superficiality and shallowness you see – celebrities with no discernible talent or passion other than that of seeking money and attention, and so many ungrateful individuals with no respect towards those who work for and support them. While in the past it was more difficult for these people to find success, with the advent of reality television and trash culture, it seems that our media has become inundated with this kind of mentality which, even worse, is having an adverse effect on the youths of today who want to emulate this ‘ideal’. I see so many people my age whose only aspiration is that of “being rich”, “being famous” or “living the high life”. Patrick was the opposite of that. Apart from having an impressive array of abilities from singing to dancing to sports, he clearly was a very passionate individual who loved what he was doing. Most of all, you could see that he never let the fame he received affect his behaviour towards people, and I haven’t read anything but positive things about him written by those who knew him.
It’s often unfortunate that the best of people have to go away so young. I am aware it’s been some years since he died but I really hope that you’ve found happiness through your grief and wish you the best in any endeavour you pursue. The love that you have will always go on. If there’s anything that transcends death, it’s the love between people, something that can never die. From my perspective, I want to speak on behalf of all the people, especially of younger generations, who only got to know about Patrick after his untimely passing, and never experienced his presence. I must say that I truly wish that I would have had the chance to write or speak to him, mostly to thank him for the inspiration he has and continues to give youths to fight for their dreams and never give up.
I believe that, if there is life after death, it’s the love that an individual carried which will last them forever. Someone whose life was filled with love towards others will keep on giving that love even after their physical death. We choose whether to live a life of friendship and love or one of hatred and bitterness, and it’s what we’ve chosen that is what we continue to live in and leave behind. Whatever may happen upon death, it is my belief that Patrick, like so many others, will continue to cherish those he’s left behind.
Lots of love and support,
Absolutely, the love we have will always go on!! And thank you for recognizing the amazing spirit that Patrick had. It’s nice to me when, even now, new people are discovering him, and how special he was. That kind of light doesn’t die, but keeps radiating!
I have enjoyed reading your blog. You are quite an inspiration!! Yours and Patrick’s books have really touched my heart. The life and love you shared was beautiful . I am glad to hear that you have found love again through Albert. May God continue to bless you ❤️
Perdí a mi madre el 15 de octubre del 2011. Ha sido muy difícil para mí ya que luego de su muerte debí cuidar a mi padre. No tuve descanso. Lloré mucho, pero aún así no podía dejarme vencer por el dolor porque siempre tenia algo que hacer y debía mantenerme fuerte. Es increíble cómo usted describe todas las fases por las que pasa el cuidador quien además se encuentra en duelo. Cuando parece estar mejor, cae nuevamente. Es difícil volver a encontrar sentido a la vida y sin objetivos no se puede vivir. las cosas se ven menos bonitas, los colores no tan brillantes, mi mirada cambió y a la vez que estoy más sensible me he vuelto fuerte. De todas maneras, es triste pensar que desde que uno nace empieza a perder cosas, seres queridos, ilusiones.
Mi cabello se volvió más oscuro cuando mi marido estaba enfermo. Es un camino duro, pero estoy haciendo mi mejor esfuerzo para encontrar la dulzura en la vida de nuevo. Creo que hay una manera de ver la vida que todavía tengo que descubrir. Estoy en ese camino para averiguar lo que es. Creo que es allí.
Hi Lisa its amazing how much I can relate to your words. Loss has hardened me and put a sadness in me that is there to stay. But I just take one minute at a time. I was wondering if you would be willing to have a session with Tyler Henry the Hollywood medium. He and his show is amazing. Please check into it. I would love to see You get some peace as we would get some peace as well. Patrick is missed so very much. Sending you hugs ?
Maria D'Angelo says
Lisa, you are awesome…
We are back from our holiday in the Northern Sporades Skiathos, Skopelos, Alonnisos. It was wonderful! You have to go there! In Skiathos is the airport and then you go on by ferry to the other islands. In Skiathos and Skopelos Mama Mia! was shooted and you can see why. It is picturesqe, the water is turquoise and the cliffs are almost white. There is the beautiful little church on the cliffs where the actors climbed up also. Also the islands are very green and in the preseason uncrowded. This area is very good for the soul. We got an very brown taint 😉 but with the bad weather in Germany the taint fade away very quickly ;-(.
Dear Lisa, Yesterday I watched a video on youtube about you and Patrick.There were pictures of you and watching it made me feel very sad, especially For the Song chosen For the video:”How do I live”.and I started thinking about the hell you lived after he has gone.you shared everything: Dancing, acting, Flying,horse riding,travelling..and the damn desease.you had to learn How to walk alone..in a world that suddenly was unknown by you, because you use to watch at it through His eyes Too..his deep sincere loyal eyes..it’ s almost Seven years without His light that is shining somewhere else.I dont wanna make you feel sad but you should listen to that Song..”How do I live without you” , in these years you learned to live without him holding His love in Your heart.but Your heart is big enough to hold another love,Albert, who is by Your side now sharing Your fights..he must be a Great Man..a kiss
Patricia Rock says
I’ve been with my husband 44 yrs and we have 1 daughter. She’s beautiful and so independent. My father passed in 1970 when I was 15. I still miss him dearly and have crying spells. My husband will be 69 this year. Oh how I hope but know better that at one time we will part. My daughter being brought up so independent while I would cry at the cemetery. Hoping it was wrong. That someday I’d walk around the corner and he’d be there. Patrick was just 1yr older than I was. I was giving birth when people were Dirty Dancing. I caught up. It took a few years but was there for Point Break. He did everything his all. I am so sorry God decided to take such a fighter from us. My aunt had PanCan and she passed in 2 months. Patrick was such a fighter. The Beast is my favorite. I hear JUMP is good but not many copies were released in the US. Maybe that can be fixed. I loved his saying you either fight to live or you fight to die. This maybe a little off but it is so right. I just feel that I’d never find someone that we wouldn’t have to worry about money. I’ve never been lucky that way. We always had to struggle.
Jackie from South Africa says
I like this quote Lisa “How later you learned grief and love are partners too. How love held you through grief’s fire”. Hope you are getting better and stronger as time goes on Lisa. Xxx
Dave MacFadyen says
My wife, Miss Marcia, and I were watching “King Solomon’s Mines” last night, and she wondered out loud to me if you ever watched Patrick’s movies anymore, or if that made you too sad. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I think the two of you set a standard that I wish more couples in Hollywood would follow. I wish you much happiness with your new husband, and I pray that your best days are still ahead of you.
take care & God bless,
HI LISA 🙂 IM NEW ON THIS WEBSITE..LM POLISH AND I RED YOUR BOOK “FIGHTING FOR PATRICK”(WHITE BOOK)IM IMPRESSED WITH WHOLE OF YOUR PERSON,YOU ARE SOOO STRONG AND BRAVE! ITS NOW 7 YEARS WHEN YOUR PATRICK GONE 🙁 I WANT TO WISH YOU MUCH LOVE AND HEALTH♥
Thank you, Monika.