It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog, and wanted to write one before the end of the year, but . . .what to write about?
Of course we’re smack-dab in the middle of the Holidays, and… What can I say? Someone wrote me and wished me well, knowing that the Holidays can be hard. How did he know?? It’s five and half years after losing my husband, and I still go through a week+ during the holidays where I wake up feeling that my life is in utter ruins. That it s*%ks, in fact. Oh, yes! How quaint! The holidays. I could go on about the despair that rears its ugly head again, the feeling that I am nothing, and the paralyzing depression that revisits during that time, but I really don’t want to write about all the sad stuff. Although, adding one more thing – I lost my most favorite horse in the world last week, and a best friend for over 24 years. Losing the special ones hurt. And losing the really special, special ones, really, really hurts.
Okay, I’m better now. I just miss her. Unfortunately, those we love can’t stay with us forever / we can’t stay forever with them either. This is what happens.
Note to self: Never go through any of the holidays again without my wonderful husband, Albert (I couldn’t help feeling that it all would have been better if we had been together).
In this past year, I’ve had some losses. In addition to Bint Bint, I lost my angel dog, Lucas, and also been sadden by birthdays, and anniversaries, and blindsided by a few other unexpected items. But also, it’s been a year of so much happiness for me; I got married to a wonderful, loving man, and I’ve gotten stronger, so much so that I’m eager to get back to work that I’d abandoned for some time. It’s like the sun has come out. Life seems to offer me a hope, and a belief that’s been lacking these past years. Sometimes I am so happy I almost feel like I need to look over my shoulder. Why? Because this new happiness is so precious, and too good to be true, I’m afraid of losing it, or that someone’s going to come along and take it away! But does that stop me from feeling my joy. No way!
What a year. What a life!
I have a widow friend, who, when I was in one of my funks this year, exclaimed, “Why are you so sad? You’re in love! You should be happy!” But, as I well know, being in love doesn’t make me fall out of love with my late husband, and it doesn’t make me immune to the pain. Nothing can erase our relationship (she knows this, by the way. She was just hoping for a way out)! You know, I’ve heard remarried widowers say “it’s different,” with their new spouses. And, that’s true. But I think that – love, real love, is not a contest. Real love can’t be compared to real love. Or be better than real love. I mean, really, ya know?
One thing I can note in this world of mine with its positive ups, and sorrowful downs, is that the “ups” are setting a new trend. In the upward direction.
I’m now in Boston, with Albert, and today is the one-year anniversary of our engagement. Christmas Eve. And while it’s been a tumultuous and difficult holidays, I realize that Albert is being instrumental in turning that sadness around for me. Suddenly, in the last couple days, Christmas is starting to become a happy occasion. And I am remembering that, one year ago, when he asked me to marry him, tears flowed as I told him that I never thought I’d be happy again. Ever. And there I was.
My wish to you this Holiday season is — Happiness –. Happiness can be a delicate thing, a new flower, waiting to be born. At any moment, it can spring into life. And I am wishing you – eyes that open to the new and beautiful day that waits for you.