I’m thinking that I should talk about the holidays, but what I’m more interested in is – the Mayan Calendar, and the fact that this 5,125 year-old calendar has just come to an end!
There are people that thought the world might come to an end as this ancient calendar finished. And I have to say, for me personally, my life had threatened an upheaval of an apocalyptic nature for most of the week leading up this calendar’s end. Hmm, basically I’ve wanted to take a match and torch my house, and pretty much all of my life. Burn it all to the ground. Yeah, something like that.
And well, yes. I guess I’m ending up talking about the holidays after all.
Somehow I thought it wasn’t going to be a problem this year. I’d been feeling pretty darn good. Things have been different, I have good people in my life, and I’ve even made progress in moving some difficult things forward. I felt so good I even made elaborate plans to see family in another state.
But it was not to be.
“Why am I feeling so sad???” I found myself suddenly feeling inexplicably depressed. It was days before I realized – the Holidays!! Arggh!! By that time I had already plummeted far, far down into terrible and sad feelings. I was blind-sided by grief, one that was made even more terrible by the horrible suffering I knew the families of the Sandy Elementary School shooting must be going through. And as I was sobbing on the phone with a friend one night about how much I hate my life and want to throw it all away, I assured him that in a day, or two I would feel better. I knew from past experience that at, at some point –
This too shall pass.
And it did! And I started to feel better, right as we were moving towards December 21st and the end of the Mayan Calendar.
Whereas some people feared an apocalypse at the end of the Mayan Calendar (or, a “Mayan Mayhem” as I liked to call it), I saw it as opportunity. As with all writings and spiritual cards/signs of death and destruction, their meanings point to the end of an era, and the beginning of a new one. Death and rebirth. And the possibility of new beginnings.
For me, I felt like I was finally getting this year out of the way (something I’ve really been looking forward to). I had made some huge and difficult strides this past year in regards to reorganizing my life. I knuckled down with the thought that my hard work will pay off, and make things easier for me in the next year. And just like the Mayan Calendar finally ending, I, too, get to start with a clean slate!
It’s not that I have the New Year mapped out ahead of me, but I do feel that I’m not carrying the same baggage moving forward. I like it! My load is lightened! And there are new possibilities in the ease in which I accomplish things, in relationships, and career. I say ease – because nothing can be as hard as some of the things I faced in the last year. Relationships – because of better timing, and schedules. And career, not because I’ll be doing such different things, but because – I am so different.
I’ve been learning, and sometimes it’s been in the “School of Hard Knocks,” but I have been learning, and I am stronger.
I’ve spent so much time these past few years since my husband’s death just learning how to walk again, that now I feel that I’m actually ready now to move to some more advanced maneuvers! I also know from this past year that I can feel some joy again. And if I felt that this past year, it means I can feel more of it in the next.
So, death of an old year, and the birth of a new one, with a new me. I’ll hold on to that thought as I ride into the next year.
And so, as far as the Mayan Calendar goes:
I begin anew.
And each, and every day.
With heartache & growing pains, I’m reminded once again
To begin we have to end.