I think I must be getting good at finding ways to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries without my Buddy. I’ve let balloons tied with notes loose into the atmosphere, and…well, I’ve let a lot of balloons go… (There have been others things, but I can’t for the life of me think of them now).
But balloons on the 3rd anniversary of his death didn’t seem right to me. Too festive, too bright…
I had been weepy in the weeks leading up to this anniversary. Weepy without rhyme, or reason. And every time I got emotional, I figured it was because of this date coming up, my body like a clock winding up before it strikes the hour, my internal mechanism blipping and ticking off the days until “the” day…
What to do on the anniversary of his death? What to do… I had just arrived in the Boston area. Maybe I’d get some flowers, figure out how to get to the ocean and toss them in? And where would I find a place lovely enough, private enough?
A friend and I were driving on a local Highway when I pointed to a beautiful body of water. “What’s that lake,” I asked.
“Oh, that’s Walden Pond.”
”Walden Pond??” I was amazed, “The famous author Henry David Thoreau’s Walden Pond??”
“Yeah, that’s it.” (It wasn’t, but the real Walden Pond was less than a half-mile away).
And suddenly a plan was formulating in my mind! Why7
Henry David Thoreau was an amazing poet, philosopher, naturalist, critic, historian, and leading transcendentalist. An original and forward thinking man in his time. But beyond that – Patrick and I had a book that was given to us when we entered an acting class in LA, a class where we were encouraged to be leaders as artists, not followers. On the first page of this book was a quote by Henry David Thoreau! I can’t remember the exact quote, so I’ll paraphrase:
When you are struck by an idea, or inspiration, it is your job to follow through on it. For if you do not, you will be condemned to stand by and watch as someone else implements the very idea that had been your own.
Pretty cool message, huh?
Walden Pond. Not only would I throw flowers in the Pond for Patrick, but it would honor his vibrant and artistic spirit, the spirit that was always pushing the edges of the envelope, and thinking outside the box. And in a way, it would honor my spirit as well, along with the dreams and imagination that we had both started out with.
With two dozen, beautiful white roses, I struck out for Walden Pond, and hiked quite a ways before I found a quiet, private spot for my ceremony.
And each time I threw out a rose, I said out loud, a thought for him. And one of the thoughts was – I wanted him to be proud of me.
It was the first time I had ever thought that. Before, it really didn’t matter because there was not much I wanted to do without him here on this earth. I didn’t care. So, what would there be to be proud of?
But going back a little… This past year, or so, friends have been telling me that if I put half the attention that I had put into my Buddy’s life and career into my own, there’s no telling what I could accomplish. Even a famous medium/psychic, just last month, delivered a message from Patrick to me, and what he said was – “It’s time to let the little birdie go, and fly.”
I found myself sitting at the edge of Walden Pond, and “let the birdie fly” came back into my mind. I felt so bolstered by the belief I knew he always had in me.
“You go, Girl. You dazzle ‘em. You can do it! Show ‘em what you got!” I could almost hear him say.
And why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I just jump off? And I’ll build my wings as I go.
And beyond that inspiration was something very special that day – I felt so close to him. His presence so clear in my life. And I was grateful, and amazed. It was as if I had been struck by magic. Three years after his death, he still changes and informs my life everyday. Still inspiring me, still teaching me about love, living, standing up for myself, and courage.
He’s here. He hasn’t gone away. He’s living, because he lives in my heart.
I threw my last rose in the water, and cried a few more soft tears as I thanked him for being in my life.
And I walked away feeling – empowered. Maybe this little bird can let loose and soar. And since Walden Pond, I feel a tingle. I feel my mind sharpening, and my heart opening. And I feel Bold.