Ah! No gets out alive!
You know, one would like to think that missing, hurting, for someone you’ve lost is some kind of “romantic” pining away for that person. But the fact of the matter is – it sucks. And there’s only one way to get through it – you just have to get through it.
Today is the fifth anniversary of Patrick’s death. I keep thinking that I’ll pass these anniversaries with positive feelings, and flying colors, but it just hasn’t worked out that way. I’ve had a myriad of emotions and thoughts this go-round. From such sadness, to anger, to. . . Sadness, not only because of Patrick, but all of the wonderful beings who have left my life: my horses Tammen, Roh, + many more; my precious kitty, Possum, whom I just adored; my special, and wonderful Standard Poodle, Lucas, who died just a month ago after living a long life, and taking such good care of me. He was like my guardian angel.
Seems like I’m missing everyone this anniversary. And the feelings are tender, tearful, and achingly loving for all of them.
I’ve been thinking of adventure. Albert and I are going on a short cruise this anniversary. We’ll be at sea, on a strange boat, and we don’t know exactly what to expect from this particular voyage! Boon, or Bust?! And I’m remembering Patrick’s and my adventures on other ships, with good friends, the beautiful and unusual places we visited, how Patrick loved his 27-foot Ericson sailboat, the rented a sailboat boat we took off into the wild, blue ocean off the Cape of South Africa and how rough and exciting the seas got, to our passion for visiting wildlife at safari camps, devising how we could help the endangered animals in this fragile, African ego-system, hardly being able to wait to get in our jeep in the morning, and out in the wilderness to check on “our friends.”
And then, waking up yesterday with a sharp spear of pain going through me, out of nowhere. Ah, it’s the anniversary coming! And from this pain, feeling such anger, and blame – for every big, or little, slight, hurt, or mean thing that happened in our relationship. All the ugly feelings that one would like to keep buried, the anger that is soooo inappropriate, especially after burying such a loved one. Why would I go to such awful thoughts?? That one took me by surprise.
And then, I wake up this morning, and before I open my eyes, the thought comes, calmly and clearly, “We’ve GOT to stop pancreatic cancer. It’s taking the ones we love. We have to keep fighting until we eradicate this disease.” Patrick was taken too soon, and taken in an unfair way. And it’s happening to others, and it needs to stop. And that’s another thing I remembered this past week as September 14th loomed closer – the day Patrick died. And it is not exactly a pleasant memory. It’s real. Too real.
But this morning, I don’t feel angry, like yesterday, and I’m glad of that. And I’m glad I’m not too sad and depressed, not only because it’d be terrible to feel so bad, but I’ve got to pack, and get on the boat!
And as I drink my first cup of morning tea (Earl Grey, brewed just the way I like it), I watch a new video of Patrick that someone shared with me on Facebook. It has so many clips I’d never seen before of Patrick laughing, smiling, chatting, posing for pictures, playing with horses, dancing… And I can’t help but smile,
Yeah, we sure had some fun.
And I am very grateful for those happy memories today. Thank you.
And thank you, my darling.
I miss you. (And you should know that you are missed by so many)!
And my hope today is, that I feel your spirit with us, soaring out on the open sea.