Curley sings to Laurie in OKLAHOMA!
I sat down to write about how good I’ve been feeling this past week. How I feel like I’m sailing to the top of my challenges, that things are getting easier.
Even when I go into a grocery store, or pass someone on the way into the bank – they smile at me. Really smile. Lately people look happy to see me.
On my favorite mare, Bint Bint. If I had a cornfield, I could start singing.
And I feel loved. Not just by the strangers I see, but it’s as if I have guardian angels around me, the ones that are there for me when I need them.
It’s almost like I’m ready to break out into song. “Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’” from the musical OKLAHOMA! might be a good choice. “I’ve got a wonderful feeling. Everything’s going my way.”
I’m wanting to describe how all this feels. That even though I don’t yet know where I’m going in life, I have a funny feeling that it’s going to all be okay. Somehow. And at the same time… there’s a shadowy sadness, lurking in the background.
And then, I was going to tell you about how I’m always wary to admit it when I’m feeling this good. How when good feelings come, I’m always looking over my shoulder for the shadow that seems to follow close behind. The one that comes up, and knocks me flat when I least expect it. But – I don’t want to jinx my good mood by talking about it.
But I’m wary, very wary.
Maybe I have already jinxed myself… Because as soon as I sat down to tell how I was able to let go of trying so hard to make things right, to give myself a break, and that I actually missed three deadlines I had set for myself, and have found that the world hasn’t imploded because of it, and that I have actually been feeling the better because of it – I started to cry.
This sun-shiny day is like a tart cupcake. So delicious, and yet… There’s something in it that makes me draw back, and draws me in at the same time. It’s an odd mix. I can’t tell the difference, between that warm, loved feeling, and enveloping sadness. I can always taste the other.
One thing I know for sure though. I know I’ve fallen.
When I look over my shoulder to see how close my shadow is following me, I am always chilled. Because, of course, my shadow is always with me. It just hides sometimes. Maybe it’s just being nice, and giving me a break. Nice shadow…nice shadow…
How can happiness hurt? I’ve never known it to do so before. But now, since I’ve lost my husband, it hurts.
Crazy. To start so high today, and to end falling so low.
Ah! Nowhere to go – but up.
My happiness and sadness are now off in a corner, bargaining for who gets the next “go ‘round,” and “when.” And so, I’ll tell you what I tell my friends –
This too shall pass.
Hi Lisa
It is strange to feel so high on life one moment then to be knocked down flat the next, but dont panic it will get easier to deal with, these feelings are what I used to call my bowling ball days as it feels as if someone has just bowled you down with a shot you werent expecting but remember the ball may of knocked you down but the pins always get up again you just need a little time to set yourself up and when the next ball comes it might just rock you on your feet but you wont fall down as fast , in time these down times begin to bounce away quicker although they never completely go you will get stronger.
Be strong take your time everyone loves you and wishes you the best God bless Lisa love Julie XXOXOX
LOVE the bowling ball metaphor. Yes, it’s like that.
Hello Lisa,
make me happy you again happy seen and to read.even if there are days where you is sad.
Patrick always is in your proximity 🙂 A very beautiful horse is Bint Bint.
Thank you so much for your beautiful Posting on your Blog.
Love and Light
yours,
Simone
PS: sorry for my not so good English 🙂
Hi Lisa! I’ve been reading your blog from the very beginning and finally I can relate! I’m not happy that I can relate and I’ve gone through nothing like you’re going through but the happy/sad thing is all too familiar to me right now.
On Valentine’s Day I had what was to be a routine surgery and in a couple of weeks was supposed to be good as new, back to work, and all that good stuff. Instead, a week and a half after my surgery I was back in the hospital , finding out other organs were injured during my 1st surgery and I had to go back into surgery to repair the damage. Two surgeries in two weeks, over a week in the hospital and now I’m sitting at home trying my best to rest and heal. I’ve already had my cry for the day. Late afternoon/early evening is real bad for me.
I turn 40 on Friday, Spring fever has hit here on the East Coast, and I’m sitting at home with pain meds and a catheter. None of this was supposed to happen and I was not at all prepared and I’m not doing so well with it.
Again, I know this isn’t like you and your loss…but I now sit and wonder when I’m going to feel alive again. I’d just like to be able to take a shower without getting completely exhausted. My new normal, even if its temporary, sure is taking its toll!!!
I hope we both have many happy days ahead. Thanks for listening – sorry to ramble!!!
As always, you’re in my thoughts!
Dear Lisa,
sometimes our emotions go from “high” to “low” in only one day, just like you experienced today. I guess the good old proverbs ” A joy shared is a joy doubled” and “A problem shared is a problem halved” apply to anyone who has lost her/his partner. But then again, every cloud has a silver lining 😉 .
Hoping that your happiness will prevail,
I send my blessings your way!
All the best,
Annette.
Awww Lisa, if I could give you a great big hug, you’d have it right now!
Feeling guilty about being happy? Of course you want so much to share it with your wonderful husband! All part of the healing. Slowly but surely, that shadow will lag further behind. Indeed you must be making progress……at least the shadow’s behind you now, not in front!
Keep smiling, but you have a damn good cry whenever you feel like it!
Sending big hugs
xxxxx
Always at bests moments of my life i think about people who gone, they wouldn’t see and feel all the things that i can. Happiness and sadness are two inseparable brothers and mate us all life. Maybe i am crazy but when something is going right way i know that in a short time must be disaster… sorry about my language 😉
Lisa, you always write so eloquently about the complicated feelings. “How can happiness hurt?” Because now you KNOW. You know too much. You have ‘seen the elephant (as a fellow widower who had served in Vietnam told me), you can never go back.
For me, all happiness and joy is now tinged with the slight bitterness (and fear) of it ending. Because I know it all has to at some point.
But I feel it also makes the sweet things that much sweeter. Everything is more intense. And in the end, that’s okay.
Wow. What you say is so true. I think it’s why we treasure the feeling of innocence so much.
Yes, exactly, and I think we probably don’t appreciate it enough until we no longer have it. Hugs, Diana
I so feel you, Lisa. There´s no hiding from the shadow,
But I thank you for your book and this blog, for giving us insight into your feelings and your life. I can truly say it encourages me to move on, to try to live although my love is not here anymore.
I hope theshadow doesnt win today.
xoxo Birgit
Lisa, it makes me SO happy to hear that you have been having such a good week! And, I LOVE the picture of you on your horse! I know I’ve said this before, but you are definitely loved…so, so much…especially by all of us on here!
After reading this blog, I was reminded of a quote that I refer to when I’m having bad days-
“The word ‘happiness’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
As always, much love to you! XX
PS. We cleaned out my great-grandmother’s room at the rest home last week, and I did have some very special moments. I was flooded with so memories as we went through her belongings and clothes, deciding on what to keep. As for me, I chose to keep one of her nightgowns! 🙂
Lisa;
I know the feeling, it’s almost like you are not supposed to feel good, or you feel guility because you do. Just be patient and believe me, “This Too Shall Pass”, maybe not when you want it to, but it will. Have felt this way many times since my daughter passed, almost like I was forgetting her because I laughed or smiled. But then I think of how full of life she was and she would not want her Momma being sad all the time. So hang in there it has only been a little over 2 years for you, it’s been 22 for me, and ,YES, I still feel that way at times, the shadows seem to hang around just for your bad days. I want her here to laugh with me. I know it’s different with losing a child than losing a spouse, but we all grieve for what could have been or what we would like for it to be. If you feel like singing, sing, if you feel like laughing, laugh, and if you want to cry, then cry, it can be very healing. I am sure Patrick is right there with you to tell you the same thing.
Dear Lisa, I hope that I’m still welcome to post here, if not, please let me know, ok?
I know the feelings you describe (the fight of the light and the shadow) and it’s funny that you use the tarte-comparison, because I always use food comparison when I want to describe a feeling and can’t find the right words for it.
I know this fight my whole life and I’m still waiting for the balance, because this shadow is always there and isn’t going away. I’m asking myself why I can’t get rid of it and for me I found out it’s because of the guilt I feel. This shadow contains all the mistakes I have made in my life and the things I can’t turn into something good. Maybe this day will come when the circle closes someday. Maybe I have to learn from this shadow, I see it as a lesson and we all have lessons to learn… ( I have learned not to post comments when there’s only shadow…)
Your shadow is possibly a part if your grief processing and is like the litter bags from your dream, with the difference that it is your regrets and guilt. I believe that your shadow will come smaller with every day you are processing your grief and the light will become stronger. It’s a good sign that the light is even here and is able to fight with the shadow! Did you expect that months ago? Its a substantial progress on your path and it’s only the beginning, a lot more light is waiting for you – I know that!
What maybe could help you to strengthening your light is goat weed, it’s a plant that is good for the mood. You get it from the doctor or in the drugstore. The goat weed is also available as tea and helps too! And if you are a fan of aromatherapy I could suggest orange oil to you, it uplifts too! This stuff is really helpful and natural and I seriously think that it would help you on your way. I’m not kidding, maybe this sounds stupid, but you can only win by taking it. I don’t know if this kind of treatment is usual in America, but if you need a good address for good goat weed products and oil, I know a good pharmacist here.
Thank you for your blog, Tani
Ps: Goat weed is legal, it’s nothing to smoke or so…I’m a good girl!
Hi Lisa,
That feeling you are experiencing is quite normal. I have lost both my parents, I know it is not the same as losing a husband but the sense of grief is very simillar. You are moving on with your life and moving along in your grief but this does not mean you will ever forget about Patrick. The memories and love that you both shared will always live in your heart. It’s not unusual to feel a bit of guilt, like you are leaving that feeling behind and moving on. You will always miss Patrick but as time goes on the loneliness and sense of loss definitely get bearable. You will always have love and support from people who care. I wish you life’s best. I’m sending rainbows of hope your way and hope that your angel of light will guide your through these rough spots. Love to you and keep the faith. You’ve been through the roughest times and made it this far. Keep on keepin’ on.
xoxoNadine
Oh Lisa, theres a war of emotions going on for you right now. But at least now happiness stands a chance!! Something you probably couldnt have even imagined 6 months ago. Your doing great!! You can choose to be happy, and god knows you deserve to be. Love & hugs to you from Ireland
Hello again Lisa,
I was happy reading that you felt good and had the feeling to be loved by others. Your are loved by so many! And I’m sure some of them are real friends.
I know the feeling of beeing lucky but having this feeling that you should not be too lucky, as the next knockout will come the closer the more you feel lucky. But don’t let it become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fight it! Sure, where ever there is light, there is shadow too. But there is no shadow behind every good moment. Just relax and enjoy the good moments.
Hope you read this even I can not see it on the screen.
Feel hugged,
Kerstin
Lisa , i´m so happy that you are feelling better.But please, don´t be sad for it.The fact you are feelling better don´t means that you don´t love Patrick.He would wanted to see you brave and happy, i´m sure….
His love will follow you for the rest of your life and the knowledge will always give you the strength to go on.
I think you are very beautiful person inside and outside too, and your feellings shows it.They say that the people who seems to be smiling and seems to be happy are those ones who are the most suffering.And i can see you are suffering much more than you can say but it´s normal because you are very sensitive and emotional person.
You looks very gorgeous on your beautiful horse. I love the way you describes your feelings and sometimes i feel like i have you close to me, sending you love and hugs from the Czech Republic.
Hello Lisa,
I’m what you might call a privileged, against by my brother has not been so lucky and all his life was littered with bad luck. The latest, late 2011, he lost his wife to cancer. I read your blogs and the responses that people trying you to help. Through it all, I’m trying to find my way to help my brother. I feel so helpless! He wants to fend for himself but I think it’s even harder for a man to get by. You would not believe how you can help us. Thank you Lisa.
I think your caring about him counts for a lot. Checking in with him will help. Also, inviting him out if there’s something happening so he doesn’t isolate. No one can take away the pain, but here and there it’s not a bad thing to have something/someone to lean on while you’re going through it. Some laughs don’t hurt, either. It’s a hard road, no doubt about it. L
We all know how close together the good and the bad are … and it is touching, how do you put your own experience with that in words.
You handle your shadows very wise and mature.
I think to be happy is not a state, there are just moments. And if we are lucky when we can feel it just in that moment.
And of course, we do looking over the shoulder in expecting the bad signs. We do that because we are aware of the fragility and the sensitivity of good times.
And i guess everything changed since your husband is no longer around you physically ……
I wish you lot of wonderful moments, cherish the good times. Much light to you ….
Blessings, Sabs 🙂
Would LOVE to hear you sing……lets plant a cornfield!!!! 🙂
Hi Lisa,
Thank you again for sharing your feelings, thoughts and life with all of us. I really appreciate it. When I read this blog I felt like giving you a big hug…In my thoughts I did 🙂
How can happiness hurt? I didn’t know it could hurt until a few years ago…I always felt guilty when I had fun cause I knew that someone I loved was very sick and dying… But when my aunt knew that I was feeling that way or someone else she’d say: you silly girl! I want you to have fun, I want you to be happy.
At her funeral everybody got a little card with her picture and the lyrics of a beautiful Dutch song. I think the song is perfect for days like this. It’s called Doe wat je altijd deed, and it’s about moving forward. At one point he sings cry if you feel like cyring, but if you can laugh again, don’t hold back for me. In the beginning he sings: do everything you used to do when I was there, live every day to the fullest with all your heart. And you’ll find me, you’ll feel me, I’m there with you. Miss me. it’s ok. I miss you too.
Anyways…it’s beautiful song in Dutch and it makes me cry every time I hear it…Here is the link…if you want to listen to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6csxqUH-1Hg
There is another question I asked myself after she died: How could the silence be so loud?
You can be surrounded by so many people…friends, family or total strangers but when that one person is missing….there is this silence…and it so loud..!
You’re right..this too shall pass…but with ups and downs. It was good to hear about your happy days…. I hope many of those days will come for you.
Big hug!
Xx
Ineke
Hi lisa,
Even with the twists and turns life throws at us, it is always surprising how a simple smile or hello can make a persons day that little bit more brighter. it is fantastic you are having more time being happy. happiness is such a fragile state in which if you question am I allowed to be happy after a great loss, it can seem wrong sometimes …. but it is not the case, patrick would want you to be happy and to embrace it and live a happy and full life.
Wishing you more times of happiness.
It’s like a roller coaster ride much of the time. But nothing in my life is an even keel. So, the highs are very high, and the lows are very low.
It’s true that a friendly smile can lift us up. How nice others have made me feel, makes me want to return the favor.
Hello Lisa,
I feel that already in your love story with Patrick, happiness sometimesrubbed the mistfortune not ?
There are always phases of unhapiness with passion.
Is the lack of it began to face ?
He reasts in peace.
“Patrick burned a little life at both ends” as they say in France and he lived in willes of his passions that YOU were definitely part…
The small shadow over is shoulder, I can tell you, It changes color over time moments but it remains and is part of your life now (that little shadow).
Big Hug
Céline
Reading this post I thought about a german poet who wrote “Der Steppenwolf” and an summary of it reads as:
We, who are more demanding, we with the longing, we with the dimension too much, couldn’t live at all if not out of the air of this world still exist to breathe a different air, if there would be not just outside time and still there would be eternal, and that is the empire of the real thing.
It belongs to eternity the image of any real action, the power of any genuine feeling, even if nobody knows it and sees it and writes down and kept for posterity.
There are no posterity in eternity, only contemporaries.
I really hope I did translate it in the right way.
These words reminds me always … just to be real, be human.
Your feelings are very pure, unique. Human. And we all share your passion, your thoughts, your shadows.
Thank you for joining us!
Dear Lisa,
Embrace the happiness. You are very deserving.
Just a suggestion for a future blog. I know you were very present and active during the filming of Dirty Dancing. I so enjoyed reading Patrick’s memories of that time. I would enjoy reading your memories of it, I bet you have lots of them! That movie is so dear to so many people, it would be fun to read your experience.
Sally
Dear Lisa !
I’m happy, that you had a nice Week. I give you a big smile.
And I have a idea for you. In the book Time of my life you speak about valuable jewels.
I think, if you all your good moments write down, you have a remarkable treasure. Your many jewels help you on bad days. At all times you can read this und you can smile.
Always the shadow go with you, but he is small, if you have million jewels.
One jewel is Bint Bint. I’m sure she like your songs 😉
I hope you understand me, my english is not so good. I wish you a next nice week.
Irene
Hi Lisa,
I lost my mother in 2009 and I still have days that I wish she was here and I could ask her advise on so many things. Her last year was spend in the hospital and I was told four times that she was not going to make it and then she would pull through again. I was riding a rollercoaster of emotions during her illness and some days all I wanted to do was cry and then the next I just wanted to learn what can I do to help her feel better. I thought if I could always be in a good mood and be happy when I visited that everything would be ok and that some day I would be able to take her home. That was not to be. After she passed I was left empty inside. I wanted her back. I felt robbed since I wanted her and I to do more things together. It took me along time to accept the fact that it was her time to go. She had lived a good life and had taught me many things that a mother teaches her daughter. It still hurts knowing she is gone but I realized that she would want me to enjoy my life and remember the wonderful times we shared together. That is what I think about now when I start to feel the grief coming back. Spring is coming soon and many of her favorite flowers will be in bloom. She always loved gardening and her flowers and when I look at a flower in bloom I think of her as the sunshine for that bloom and a warm feeling comes over me. Lisa my wish for you is that you also find that special warm feeling.
Thanks, Ann.
Lisa,
Today I said, I’m not waiting for anyone to find something for me to do………..I’m going to the movie, (saw the Artist), and then I am ordering Corn Beef and Cabbage! Yes, I could have cooked it myself, but then I would end up eating too much…..it was delicious. Tonight I’m going out with a Singles Group to a nice restaurant, after eating, we will play games…………Gil would be proud of me! I’m getting to like this widow life! Me too, Lisa, I cry when I’m happy, because it is so seldom, I so love to laugh, and find myself laughing more……..everyday is different, but with God, we can get through anything!
I know when I started to have moments where I actually felt good again, it felt like nirvana. I think this was because it had been so long since I’d felt good, that my body short-circuited on the new strange feeling!
Enjoy your evening! I know it can still be hard, but there’s laughter waiting out there. I’m going to treat myself to a nice dinner, myself. XL
Dear Lisa,
I just want to say after reading your book “Worth Fighting For” was completely awe inspiring and beautiful. When I read your book I cannot help but think of my grandmother and how through all her losses and struggles in life she still manages to stay strong and push on (even when there are moments when I can tell in her voice she is not). Your determination and passion inspires me as a woman and a writer. The way you wrote this book is the same way I write my poetry, short stories and plays, straight from the heart. Thank you Lisa. Your fighting spirit and grand heart has inspired me to write even more amazing works. I will follow your wonderful example and always stay true to my heart and fight for what I believe in. God bless you.
Love,
Nikki
I am beyond complimented by what you say. Thank you, L