I sat down to write about how good I’ve been feeling this past week. How I feel like I’m sailing to the top of my challenges, that things are getting easier.
Even when I go into a grocery store, or pass someone on the way into the bank – they smile at me. Really smile. Lately people look happy to see me.
And I feel loved. Not just by the strangers I see, but it’s as if I have guardian angels around me, the ones that are there for me when I need them.
It’s almost like I’m ready to break out into song. “Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’” from the musical OKLAHOMA! might be a good choice. “I’ve got a wonderful feeling. Everything’s going my way.”
I’m wanting to describe how all this feels. That even though I don’t yet know where I’m going in life, I have a funny feeling that it’s going to all be okay. Somehow. And at the same time… there’s a shadowy sadness, lurking in the background.
And then, I was going to tell you about how I’m always wary to admit it when I’m feeling this good. How when good feelings come, I’m always looking over my shoulder for the shadow that seems to follow close behind. The one that comes up, and knocks me flat when I least expect it. But – I don’t want to jinx my good mood by talking about it.
But I’m wary, very wary.
Maybe I have already jinxed myself… Because as soon as I sat down to tell how I was able to let go of trying so hard to make things right, to give myself a break, and that I actually missed three deadlines I had set for myself, and have found that the world hasn’t imploded because of it, and that I have actually been feeling the better because of it – I started to cry.
This sun-shiny day is like a tart cupcake. So delicious, and yet… There’s something in it that makes me draw back, and draws me in at the same time. It’s an odd mix. I can’t tell the difference, between that warm, loved feeling, and enveloping sadness. I can always taste the other.
One thing I know for sure though. I know I’ve fallen.
When I look over my shoulder to see how close my shadow is following me, I am always chilled. Because, of course, my shadow is always with me. It just hides sometimes. Maybe it’s just being nice, and giving me a break. Nice shadow…nice shadow…
How can happiness hurt? I’ve never known it to do so before. But now, since I’ve lost my husband, it hurts.
Crazy. To start so high today, and to end falling so low.
Ah! Nowhere to go – but up.
My happiness and sadness are now off in a corner, bargaining for who gets the next “go ‘round,” and “when.” And so, I’ll tell you what I tell my friends -
This too shall pass.