“Grief’s tough,” I tweeted the other day, along with this quote, “He did not say: You will not be troubled, you will not be belabored, you will not be disquieted; but he said: you will not be overcome.” Julian of Norwich
I am amazed at how people manage to survive grief. I know they must because I’m not the only person in the world who’s ever lost someone they love. And if I’m having this much trouble…
Sometimes I don’t want to say how badly I’m doing, because I don’t want the people who are just starting this journey to get so disheartened they want to jump off a cliff. But grief and healing takes a long, long time to…..well, I’m starting to wonder if it does anything except clunk down in the middle of one’s life, and not move.
And yes, I do have good days. And some days I feel really, really good. But lately, it seems the “downs” are more down than ever before. What’s with that? And there’s a new ingredient thrown into the mix that wasn’t there before – the feeling that I want to give up. I’ve been so good. Tried so hard to keep going. And now, I’m just tired, and want to give in.
Everyone hits a wall. I know there was a moment when my husband was sick that I worried that I wouldn’t be able to go on. And now I feel that wall firmly entrenching itself in front of me again. But this time there’s no rope to pull me over.
One of my widow friends just went through a bad spell. And on the spur of the moment, she rented an apartment and moved to a different city! I know why. While you can’t “run away” from your feelings, it’s worse, much worse to just stay there with them. Engaging in distractions, retail therapy, organizational stuff…are honorable attempts to make it through the day. Valiant ways of doing our best to survive. And I say – whatever gets you through the night.
Another widow friend mentioned that she was worse than ever right around the time that I am now. She kept on thinking to herself, “I should be better.” She wasn’t, and she was beating herself up for it. She had to just let it go, and accept where she was.
I wrote in my journal the other day, and below is an excerpt:
Hideous, and hurtful.
How long do I have to live with this loneliness.
How do other people find the strength to go on?
Wish I could speed up the process,
Feel like I’m just ticking off days until I’m gone.
I’m weeping again,
They say it never goes away. It’s true,
Practice does not make perfect,
I’m two and half years into this,
And I’m too slow a learner
In learning how to live without you.
I don’t think I’ve ever run into anything that I haven’t been able to change through good intention and attitude. Grief laughs in my face at that. It’s its own entity. That leaves me with just trying to find a way to carry this heavy burden as I go through life. And I’m thinking…if grief is going to keep me this close a company, I’d need to learn to respect the beast.
Cindy BeVier Hodges says
Please just rest and recognize this is all part of the process. You have expressed everything all of us have gone through, and may still being going through, and yet you are able to express your feelings versus stuffing them in a dark corner somewhere. Ask God to help you every day to make the next step forward; one foot in front of the other. He will give you the strength. You are not a slow learner by any means and your dearly beloved Patrick is right there beside you in spirit to help as well. You may not realize how many angels and prayer warriors are in your corner right now. One day, as I realized, they were there the whole time especially in my worst moments. I, like you, had never met such a set back with all the blindsiding at the weirdest moments. I was always happy and basically an “up type.” Still am, but when those lonely times hit, I could have sworn I was going off the deep end.
Sweet baby girl take care and know you are doing the best for you right now.
Love and prayers,
Tammy Wilson says
I can’t imagine the grief that you are going through. I too have Pancreatic cancer and so far I continue to fight this battle. I have been married to my husband for
Christina Troß says
Thinking of you tonight. Hope you will fight and win your battle. Sending you hugs. Christina.
Mientras hay vida hay esperanzas, no bajes los brazos, tienes VIDA tienes todo!!!!
Patti Conger says
Lisa, I followed your story with Patrick…broke my heart…now My husband is in stage 4 pancreatic cancer..and I lost a friend to it on Easter. Different symptoms, she died after 3 months. My husband larry is still fighting with treatment after surgery and chemo….I want to be proactively involved in the fight for more research. It is at the bottom of the barrel. What can I do…?? I respect you and feel for you so sincerely…they all matter the famous and the unknown…I know what the last stages of life look like, I saw it….Gosh Lisa…: (
You have your hands full! It is plenty to be courageous for your husband.
Tammy Wilson says
Lisa I have read your book Worth Fighting For. While reading the book I could not help but relate what Patrick with through to what I am going through. I was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in October 2010. I had surgery for it and the tumor was totally resected. I was told that I had a good prognosis. In as short as 8 months I had a recurrence. This time I haven’t been as lucky. I have had 6 months of chemo followed my 30 radiation treatments. I will get my PET scan on May 14th followed my the results on the 15th. I am really afraid for that, but I do have to keep the faith. I am still having trouble getting that CA19-9 down. My last reading was 149. It seems that it will never end, you know.
I know that my husband and me have been married for 30 years and there were so many things that reminded me of my marrage while reading your book. It was a great book and I am thankful that you shared it with us. I know this may sound selfish. I am so glad it is me that has Pancreatic Cancer and not my husband. I will lift you up in prayer.
Good luck on the 14th and 15th!!!!!! I’ll be thinking of you. Hang in there, and keep the faith. You are already a miracle in progress!
Anik D. says
I saw Ghost on Broadway last week. Every step Richard took as Sam reminded me of your husband.
As I read your blog I couldn’t help but tear up. There are no words anyone can say. I have suffered losses in my time, and know that the strength I get is from God.
Whether it’s a loss of a spouse, friend, pet, family member, in the end, one thing that helps me through is that they are there watching, protecting, and loving from above.
There is a poem, you may have heard it before…but it helps me, and hope that it will help you too.
If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane
I’d walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again
No Farewell words were spoken
No time to say good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.
My heart’s still active in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store.
Since you’ll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you’ll always stay.
God knows why, with chilling touch,
Death gathers those we love so much,
And what now seems so strange and dim,
Will all be clear, when we meet Him.
I Knew you for a Moment
God Bless! You are in my prayers..always and forever.
Brenda Hartman says
Fantastic POEM!! Thanks from all of us for sharing. It will stay in our hearts for a very long time.
Barney (aka Bear) says
It took me 4 years just to turn the corner and over 6 years to settle on a new normal. Grief and life move at their own pace and cannot be rushed.
Peace ~ Bear
Barney (aka Bear) says
BTW, I hate that you are a member of this club but I like how you are putting a human face for us widowed.
Peace ~ Bear
You know…I don’t think many people have any idea about what loss can be like. I know I didn’t. I wouldn’t have minded getting a “heads up” on the path I was going to be traveling!
We have had a journey that we might not have bought into…and have obstacles…but damn it we were lucky for the time we had!
Barney (aka Bear) says
I had no idea what real pain and loneliness felt like til I lost Laurie in 2005. I remember getting all those stupid comments too. One person said they felt my pain cuz they recently lost a beloved dog. WTF??? Take care ~ Bear (((((hugs)))))
Brenda Hartman says
Your right Lisa, a lot of us have never found our “soul mate” to even know what kind of loss your going through. We can only imagine the pain and we are so deeply sorry. The loss of a child or parent is bad enough. We do grieve for you though. So you, your family, nd the Swayze gang are all in our daily prayers. Love and hugs from Texas.
Christina Troß says
Your so right Brenda.
@Lisa: You are in my prayers every day – you and your whole family.
Hugs to you. Christina
Nadine Wood says
Oh Lisa, I feel so sad to hear you like this. You must know that the deeper the love the longer and stronger the grief. You really need to give yourself time. You spent more than a lifetime with your beautiful husband, you were but a mere child, how could you not feel lonliness. Its only natural. Stay close to family and friends to get you through this rough spot. Keep in touch with Donny from time to time. Do you still see him?. Do things to help you feel better, visit your mom. Maybe you can look into teaching dance. You need a meaningful diversion something you enjoy that will take you away when these feelings come. You are so full of varied talent. Life will be beautiful again for you. As much as you love(ed) Patrick you do need to eventually move on. It seems scary bu you will know when the time is right. Moving on makes you feel like you
Nadine Wood says
You are somehow forgetting Patrick, but that will never happen. He will always be in your heart. Keep the faith, and pray. I’ll do the same. Rainbows of hope sent your way from one of your many fans who care. Love ya. Xoxo. Nadine
Lindsay Luckadoo says
Lisa, reading this makes me cry because I care about you so, so much. It breaks my heart to know that you are feeling this way, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I just want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug! But…since I can’t…((((HUGS)))). Stay strong, and keep taking those baby steps. We’re all here for you!
Sending tons of love…XXX
“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” – Earl Grollman
“You give yourself permission to grieve by recognizing the need for grieving. Grieving is the natural way of working through the loss of a love. Grieving is not weakness nor absence of faith. Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired or sneezing when your nose itches. It is nature’s way of healing a broken heart”. – Doug Manning
Raye Anne Eliuk says
Thank you for this. I know I am not the only one who has lost a husband to pancreatic cancer, a five month death sentence was something I don’t think I can ever describe to anyone. And God only knows how my Bill felt? He
Held his feelings close to him to protect me.
I do well for a few weeks and then something as simple as changing a furnace filter stops me hard. So it is nice to connect with other to hear how they cope.
I never knew someone could cry every day for two years, but its possible. I am told there is no timeline on grief
So yhat olds promise that the tears may stop one day.
My thoughts are with you as. Can say I understand your tears.
I know what you say about tears. I thought I’d never reach the bottom of my seemingly endless tears. And then, one day, I had a good cry, and I actually felt better after I was done. It was a landmark day for me.
I´m “only” into this for nearly a year now and you don´t discourage me at all. Seeing you go up and down emotionally shows me I´m as normal as normal can be in this situation. So many people think going out, meeting ne people, doing a nice journey would fix the problem but it does not. How could it? Your loved one isn´t there, no matter where you go or what you do and you miss him ALL the time. Sometimes you can handle that and sometimes you can´t.
I found a quote by Rose Kennedy and I think that hits exactly how it is:
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’
I do not agree.
The wounds remain.
In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone.”
Hang in there, luv Birgit
I sooo know what you are talking about…my dad died
Of PanCancer 14 month ago and it still seems to
me that it was just yesterday. I have a 2,5 year old
and everytime I look at her I think of how great it would
have been if he could have seen her at this stage of life (or
Although I truly believe he is with her every step of the way, it
would just be great to speak to him from time to time in person 🙂
So keep your head up and if you feel down, then just feel down and
cry…you are not alone!
It breaks my heart to know you are so sad.It must be very tough for you but i hope one day your heart can find the peace you need.
Sending you a lot of love a many big hugs.
I want to send you a big big big hug from far away Germany! You are such a wonderful, caring and beautiful lady..! You are loved by so many… and by me too! I`m so very sorry to hear that you are so sad… please remember that Patrick is still with you… I`m sure he is watching every step you do..! I`m sure that you can feel him… and one day you will be together with him again..true Love will never die… !!!
Until it is time to be together with him…please enjoy your life as much as you can … I think that this is what Patrick really wants for you…!!! When you are smiling he is smiling too…and when you are sad and crying… he only wants one thing… he wants you to overcome this… and feeling better and enjoy life with all the adventures
and good feelings it has for you…!!
Sending you all my Love …Regine!
A big hug from me to you x
Julie Clements says
Sending you lots of hugs and wishes to you, you still need to travel this path of grief steadily, this is one of those times as I said it does creep up on you unexpectantly at the time you didnt think it could but these times will happen and they do drag your emotions in to a terrible depressing down state.
Just keep letting these feelings out as this will help in time tears and hugs with good friends do help put everything gradually back into place but it takes time and lots of inner strength, even though I have a new life and family sometimes I feel grief is still with me sitting on my shoulder, but you ride the down times out you will get to get control again it takes time Lisa as you are feeling half a person as your soul mate has left a painful hole which in time does not heal but you mend it from inside you but it takes lots of time sending you lots of love god bless julie xxxx
It´s really hard when you lose someone. I lost a boyfriend five years ago and It was very hard. I didn´t know why I was alive. But you have to find another things you like. I am a workaholic now because while I work I don´t think…
You have a lot of friends and you will be fine. Big hugs! Silvia
Lorna watt says
Hey Lisa, I’m so sorry you are feeling like this! Here is a poem that you may have heard before but I thought it was a good one.
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the room next door.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That we still are.
Call me by my familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way
Which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
That it always was
Let it be spoken without effect
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you
For an interval
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.
All my love Lisa.
It’s easy to expect grief to be linear.. but it isn’t. Hang in there! It WILL get easier.
Grief isn’t linear – so true. Great way of putting it
Red Hot Chili says
grief is a very heard burden. Every day. Every night. And again every single day ………
I admire you for dealing with this pain. In public. Even maybe it helps yourself, you help so many people with your courage and this is magic. You give so many people hope, strenght, faith and love.
Of course their are good days between dark nights. And I really hope that the good one’s will be happen more and more. But yes, loss tooks time to process.
I lost my grandma 20 Years ago … and I still can not speak about her without the feeling of tie up the neck.
Can not crying anymore thinking of her, but I miss her so much, it hurt’s unbearable. She was my rock, she was everything for me. My grampy, my best friend, my confidant, my constant, my mum and so much more.
At so many moments I think of her, most of the time at celebrations …..
Lisa, I wish you much much strenght, faith, laughing, hope, love and light.
Feel embraced by the love of all your fans and companionships …… <3
Many times, it does help to share my thoughts. Helps to unclog them.
Patricia Baird says
What you are feeling is normal. We all feel this at one time or another. I, for one am having a hard time now as tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday. When she was born it was the happiest day of my life…………now it is bittersweet. She was 18 years old, way to young to leave this world, she had such a promising future ahead of her. It has been over 20 years and the pain of loss is still as new as it was when everything happened. After about 4 years I went and talked with someone who helped me some, if I just remember all the things he told me I can do pretty good, but there have been days when I wonder why it could not have been me instead of her and I DON’T UNDERSTAND why. I would have gladly changed places with her, I would do the same for my boys or my husband, but we have to remember God has a plan for all our lives. I know how hard it is and how at times you want to just give in and let the grief take over, and sometimes it still does. All I can tell you is to remember ‘Buddy’, don’t try to forget by moving or something else, your memories go with you, they are always there. Remember all the good times and remember , Patrick is with you at all times as long as your heart is beating. My thoughts & prayers with you. Your days will get better, but the grief will never completely go away, anyway it has not for me. We have to learn to ‘live with it’. Sad, but true. XXXPatricia
I’m so sorry to read that you are feeling this way. I understand that you feel like giving up but please don’t!
You are a very strong woman and I just hope that soon you’ll have more ‘ups’ than ‘downs’
hang in there!
Michael Brown says
You have help me a lot,I am also sad my wife has stage four Pancreatic Cancer and she just started chemo.We are in this battle together I know my wife one day won’t be here,But if had not been for you and Patrick she would have given up.My wife likes to ride horses and we own two paint mares which she loves then.I will be lost if something happens to my wife.
It’s tough, I know. And wonderful that you have each other in fighting this terrible disease. My thoughts are with you two! Good luck! Amazing things CAN happen.
Lisa, thank you for posting this. I’m approaching the two year mark and I’m also a slow learner…lots of ‘one step forward, two steps back’ stuff happening with me right now. I know it’s distressing for the people who love me to see me go through this, but what other way is there but through? Little steps, by little steps we WILL get through this, by doing what we need to for the moment (or the night). Peace to you, m
It is coming on the 7 year anniversary of my husband Greg’s death on May 25. Grief is a tough warrior. It is not going to leave quietly or easy. Since my husband passed I have done things so out of the ordinary and for no reason at all. I left a good job that paid the bills to trying to keep my husband’s trucks going when I knew nothing about them and I failed miserably and losing them all. I gave up my home of 20 some years because I could no longer afford or keep it up the way Greg kept it. That decision turned out to be a good one. I continue to stumble along the path of grief and sometimes it is smooth and I have great days with my friends and I go horseback riding and walking my dogs and then the next day it is almost like I have remorse for feeling good and don’t want to get out of bed or get dressed. I keep the curtains closed to keep out the day. I have gone to a support group where they tell you to talk about your feelings and your grief and it is ok for awhile but it seeps back. I have no answer for you how to get thru it. I just know that you are not alone and everyone will handle it differently. All we can do is continue to face it head on and walk thru it, knowing we are gong to stumble and fall on the path. My heart goes out to you because yours is still so new. 2 yrs isn’t that long ago. it took me 6 yrs to pack away his clothes and that is only because I moved. So sweet lady please hang in there and know that Patrick is with you always and for some reason or another we always seem to make it to the next day. One day I believe we will see the sun shine again and know what our purpose is.
God Bless You
Jacki Pienta says
Sending hugs and prayers your way. You will make it through this.
Dear Lisa !
“Grief is price We pay for love” This is very high price, just I know for sure is worth every penny.
” Wish I could speed up the process ” – I was hoping this is possible. Is not, my friend told me : is not shortcut in this, we need to go thru. Now this is part of my life I lern to live with.
PS. For me looking on the pictures, help and yes make me cray too, and make me 🙂
Lisa-I am 8 1/2 years into this widow process and I still have times as you describe here. I keep telling myself there must be reasons for these low times, times when all I want to do is cry and stay to myself but I tell myself I will get through them. It’s funny how you said something about just ticking the days away because I feel that way at times myself. But I have good friends and family that anchor me here on this earth until it is time for me to join my husband, whom I, too, lost to pancreatic cancer. He was only 47. I still don’t understand it completely and I fear that is the reason I can’t get completely out of the funk. Someday……..?
Joanna Kontos Evans says
Hey Lisa, reading this blog brings to the forefront of my mind when I lost dad… I hate to say it because I don’t want to add to the grief that you feel so strongly already but even after 23 years I have days not unlike yours, of course there’s as difference as I lost my dad and you the love of your life and soulmate but the feelings the down days as you already know are all part of the process… Even though I still get floored when these days strike although it still kills me remembering how at 15 at home watching tv in my bedroom just with my 21 year old sister and my dad in the house my dad was having a stroke in his bedroom that took him a week later i have learnt to treat these days as a day to remember him as he would want me to remember him, my funloving, funny, loveable dad and this may sound strange but I now welcome these days… I do think though Lisa that you put alot of pressure on yourself and you do need to just give yourself a break, I know you like to keep yourself busy and I commend you for everything you are doing but you need to take time and take care of…Lisa.
Think I have rattled on quite enough for now so I shall wrap this up.
Take care and much love and big bear hugs Jo xx
Oh and just to let you know the song I wrote for my dad that I promised I would send you a copy of titled ‘Tumbling Down’ has arrived so I hope Jessica forwards it to you soon. X
It’s funny as I read your blog, I realized my son is watching Red Dawn in the other room, I’m reading your words and hearing Patrick’s voice. 🙂
Your grief is a testament to what you and Patrick are..the depths of the love you have. I can’t even imagine how hard it is. Prayers your way and hope for a better tomorrow.
Lisa as i read your heart felt words i am reminded of what Buddy said in Roadhouse, grinning he said “Pain Don’t Hurt”. He was wrong! My God hold you in His Mighty Arms and wipe every tear away.
Barbara Maffett says
Lisa, my heart aches for you – Wednesday, May 2nd, will be 19 months since I lost my precious Jack – and for me, it seems as if I am missing him more and more and still have my nightly crying jags….It seems as if we are all in this together, aren’t we?
Karen Backus says
After our oldest son was killed in an auto accident at just 30 years of age, leaving his wife and two sons:Nicholas who was 4 and Zachary who was 3 months old, it fell to my husband Gary, our only other child Andy who was 28 at the time, and to me for all 3 of us to go and clean out his desk at his job as a Deputy Officer of the Friend of the Court. Our family was asked to wait one week to clean out his office as there were many in the Courthouse building who had great affection for our son and who needed to just go into his office, shut the door, and remember our son, Charlie. When we cleaned out his extremely neat office, we found many treasures: a cross inside of the suitcoat that he wore when he unexpectedly had to go to court (his Judge came to his visitation and said what an awesome Friend of the Court Charlie was, as he rarely was in his courtroom), and this most important finding that I want to share with you. We found this message on the back of a telephone pad piece of paper (pink). It was smack dab in the middle of the center desk drawer right where he kept his pens and pencils… He read this every single day, everytime he opened his desk drawer. It made me weep because, ironically enough, these words that Charlie wrote on that notepad that day were the very words that somehow “gave us permission to continue to live, and to live as he did – fully every single day!!” I want to share these precious words that we have since framed and who one of his coworkers (they were known as “Charlie’s Angels”) cross stitched on a beautiful 8 x 10 cloth with leaves on a vine and named it “Charlie’s Way.” It hangs in our living room.
Here are the words that have kept me going when I didn’t want to go one step further. It has been 11 long years and yet there are times that the intensity of the loss of our son takes our breath away….. However, most of the time these words, which make SO MUCH sense, DO help us, and here they are: I hope and pray that they can somehow help you…..:
THE MORE YOU LIVE
THE MORE YOU FLY
THE SMILES YOU GIVE
THE TEARS YOU CRY
ALL YOU TOUCH AND
ALL YOU SEE
IS ALL YOUR LIFE
WILL EVER BE . . . .
Karen, in memory of our son, Charlie
Oiee Lisa me chamo Giselle,tenho uma tia que desde que saiu o filme DIRDENCE,assim falado no Brasil,ela e fã numero 1 de Patrick,quando ele morreu todos daqui da minha cidade ligou pra ela,pra desejar os pesamos,porque eu nunca vi uma pessoa gostar tanto do Patrick que nem ela,ela sabe tudo da sua vida e da dele,eh uma fã anonima,mais um dia quem sabe em outra dimensão voces se encontra neh..bjus
Lisa, I lost my daughter to pulmonary hypertension shortly after you lost your husband, We are both on the same spot in this journey of grief. My daughter lived to the age of 34 and she was a huge Patrick Swayze fan. I wish you all the best. May God replace your sorrow with his joy.
This all is so familiar. My wife passed away 11 monotheistic tomorrow after a 4 month battle with pancreatic cancer. The ups and downs are drastic. Sometimes I feel great. Sometimes like I’m losing my mind. I do not want to give this disease another victim. So I try to find the rainbow in each daily storm. It changes hour by hour. I hope I keep finding them. Thank you for sharing these things. They are so similar. Must be part of what we have to experience to heal.I wish you peace Lisa.
Hah! I just responded to another comment about feeling like you’re losing your mind! I STILL have moments like that, but luckily, not as often as before! Wishing you peace, too, and enough light to keep making more of those rainbows. L
Nadine Wood says
Lisa, as I look back at this blog despite your sadness and despair, you continue to reach out to others with positive and supportive words. You are truly a strong, kind and amazing woman. I can see why Patrick loved you. It should make you feel loved that within minutes of you sharing your sadness your fans and supporters flooded your site with supportive words.I always believe that the type of person you are, are the type of people you attract. You have many loyal and devoted people that visit your site. Keep the faith, we are all praying for you. Take it 1 day at a time n stay positive. Sending rainbows of hope your way, as always. Love n light. xoxo. Nadine
You are so kind!
I have been reading your blog lately and you find a way to say everything thing I am feeling.
Like Vicki above,my husband died at age 47 of Pancreatic Cancer and I too will never understand why.
The difference between me and most of the commenters is that I am only 2 weeks into my widow hood
and already feel like this is the worst pain of my life! I thought his 18 months living with the illness was
enough of a nightmare but the pain continues.
I do not want this life-I want this pain to change. How do I go through years of this? It is very scary to think
that this is my future. I almost want to change everything now,but know I shouldn’t.
I have great support from friends and family,but how else do I deal with this?
I tell you what – talking to other people going through the same thing really helps you to know you’re not losing your mind. I always said, “There’s only one way to go through this thing, and that’s the hard way.” Hang in there, it will start to change at some point, and you’ll get some relief from the constant pain. XXL
Thank you so much Lisa-i hope you find relief some day.
You must be a great learner, because you taught me how strong can a person be, and to do so, you have to be that way. Expressing your feelings is a great way of realising them. Just be yourself, I know you are strong enough to overcome this beacuase you are a great learner, and I learn from you.
Lisa, you are such a strong person … you will overcome the pain one day, but you will never forget him.
I lost my love last year from a horrible GBM4, he suffered so much an died in my arms.
Now he is with God an he is, hopefully, feeling much better. I am happy for him, that he don´t need to suffer anymore, but I´m so sad, that he no longer with me … BIG HUGS XXX
Cintya Veiga says
Lisa,The physical absence is very painful, but I firmly believe that Patrick is very good in the spiritual world, working in well and waiting to see her.
Cintya Veiga says
I’m sure Patrick does not want you to feel that way, he wants her happy. Try to look good for him, you two …. He also misses you, but its physical permanence here, came to an end, he continues in another dimension and you acrdeita it. I know you believe, then put that thought as a reference and move on. We love you here in Brazil.
Lisa you are dealing with the lost of your Patrick with dignity, courage and grace, you are inspiration for your widows friends ♥♥♥
PS. Kathy Sheppard wrote the book, ” I lost my husband not my mind ” this book help me understand I am not losing my mind.
Kathy H. says
Lisa, From the very first interviews I read or saw of you, many years ago, I knew I would really like you if we ever met. It breaks my heart you are one of my widow sisters, as I so often wish I had the power to prevent any others from joining this club. I am about 5 months ahead of you, as May 3rd will be the third anniversay of my husband’s death. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your feelings, giving others a glimpse into our world. No one can understand it until they live with it. No amount of advice or heads-ups beforehand can prepare us for it.
I have concluded, for myself anyway, that the grief, pain, & loss will never end. But….we will change around it. We don’t “get over” it. We go over it, through it, under it and beside it. It truly reshapes who we are and how we see the world around us. Our capacity to live, love & learn will continue to grow. God Bless You on your journey.
Amazing what you say, Kathy. And yes, there is a huge change that happens in how we see the world. Mine is still shifting. It’s one of the things that keeps me “tuned in.” I have no idea where this is going to end up.
in times of grief we can only wait for a reprieve in the process( times of happiness) even though it may be short lived. I truly hope a reprieve is soon and gives you the strength to continue.
4/30/12 was my 3 year anniversary without Mike. I miss him every day almost all day. Some days are easier than others, but I still cry a lot. He was my soulmate. He GOT me….I don’t know how you get over this. And it is different for everyone. When you love as deeply as we have, it has got to take a long time. I have hope someday I will feel better, maybe even do something other than just “exist”, because what i do is sure not called living.
All I can say is – I hear you. XXL
As all the others I would like to take my hat off for you and tell you how amazing you are. Unfortunately, I can not take a gram of your grief to give you some relief. I would take tons if I could. All I know from my life (I am not a widdow, “just” divorced and allown with 2 kids), is that somehow one needs to “function”. That’s how I feel often – I need to function for my kids like a machine. I may have lost parts of me, some parts do not work well, but the machine as a whole needs to work for the kids. That’s what’s letting me stand in there: the kids need me and it’s my obligation to give them a childhood as happy as I can.
I read your book – the first in english I ever read. Words can not describe what you gave to your audiance sharing this book. So please hang in there for your family and for yourself. Your Buddy would not have wanted that you give up. You both never did.
Karen Backus says
You know, the saying by Lorna Watt written to you on April 30th, is the exact saying that we had printed on the cards for those who came to our son, Charlie’s, visitation. When I wrote to you on April 30th about the poem/saying we found in Charlie’s desk (refer to my April 30th message at 11 p.m.), I had truly hoped that it would mean something to you and help you in some way. We KNOW that when you have a husband/wife die, the pain is SO very different. However, when we kept telling our other son, Andy, that our pain was different because Charlie was our son, he carried a lot of anger about this UNTIL his first child was born. He came to the waiting room in the hospital and cried and said, “Now I KNOW what you have meant all this time!” Everyone’s pain IS very different and it ALL hurts so badly!! We do not see Charlie’s sons except for in the summer when there are ball games and in the Fall when there is soccer. THE BOTTOM LINE HERE, LISA, IS THAT I HAD TRULY HOPED THAT THE SAYING THAT WE FOUND IN CHARLIE’S DESK WOULD REALLY MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU AND PERHAPS HELP YOU IN SOME WAY. You know, it has been 11 years and there are some days that the pain is somewhat “softer,” but it is always there for us.
At any rate, Charlie’s saying has kept us getting out of bed each day because it HELPS us remember how our son lived so fully!!!
I had hoped that this beautiful and very meaningful saying would mean something to you.
Thank you for the thought, Karen.
“Siento como que estoy marcando días hasta que me haya ido.” es lo que siento cada día al despertar y tomar conciencia de que es un día más sin mamá. Lo mejor de mí se fue con ella, mi ilusión, esperanza, ganas de vivir, risa, hasta me desmejoré físicamente cuando solía ser bonita. Soy un despojo humano de lo que era, ya nada me incentiva, no entiendo por qué ella se fue y yo debo permanecer aquí, hasta cuándo? será cieno que cuando nos vamos nuetros seres queridos vienen por nosotros? si es así, aún me queda una esperanza de algún día volver a reencontrarme con mi mamá. Así sea.
It’s hard. I know.
Me obligo a pensar lo mismo que tú, Cynthia. Espero que cuando tenga que irme venga mi madre a buscarme. Yo tambien la hecho mucho de menos. Saludos.
Hola Lisa y Berta, la gente me dice que el duelo no dura más de un año, este mes se cumplirán siete meses de que mi mamá no está a mi lado y en verdad no he mejorado ni un poco, lloro todos los días de manera desesperada. Quizás si hubiese formado mi propia familia todo sería menos doloroso, o no, quien sabe.
Berta, hace mucho perdiste a tu madre? eras muy unida a ella? Cuéntame, así me siento acompañada al menos a la distancia.
Saludos a todos
Hola Cynthia. El duelo no tiene tiempo. Cada persona lo lleva como puede. Mi madre hace dos años y dos meses que murió y ni mucho menos lo he superado. Yo tampoco he formado una familia, pero no creo que esto tenga mucho que ver con lo que se siente cuando se pierde a una madre. Ella sí la formó y sintió mucho la muerte de la suya. Murió de la enfermedad de Alzheimer. La estuve cuidando durante dos años en un hospital donde tuvo que ser ingresada al romperse la cadera. Todos los días estaba a su lado, y fué duro, muy duro. Es la llamada “enfermedad de los familiares” porque los enfermos la mayoría de los momentos no son conscientes de que lo son.
Aparte de ser mi madre, naturalmente que estaba unida a ella: soy hija única. Ella sólo vivia por mi, y para mi, el motivo de su vida era yo. No pasa día que no me acuerde de ella, y no puedo evitar llorar siempre que me viene su imagen a la cabeza. Creo que tardaré años en superarlo, y aunque antes estaba segura que después de la muerte no había nada más, ahora pienso que ella me está viendo desde algún sitio, y que cuando llegue mi hora vendrá a mi lado. Espero que mis palabras te ayuden a aliviar un poco tu dolor. Un saludo desde España.
I agree with Berta. El duelo no tiene tiempo. Cada persona lo lleva como puede.
Lynn c says
Hey lisa, I hope you find some comfort in the saying ‘greif itself is a medication, every day we experience it when we have lost a loved one…but just remember its a day less to finishing the course! X
Brenda Hartman says
Headed for Jacksonville, Fla. this weekend for the American Cancer Society “Relay for Life” festivities. Lighting a luminary for Patrick and wearing purple.
Aw, thank you, Brenda!
Joeslyn wehbe says
Hi Lisa, somehow I feel like I know and I feel your pain. Patrick was a great man and no one can blame you for grieving the way you are! I also think you where so blesseed to have some one like Patrick in your life as so was he to have you! It is your right to grieve but I do hope you find the strength to carry on. God bless you! Take care. Xx
Claudia Cumming says
So many times since Patrick passed I have wondered how you are doing. And then the other day someone shared your blog. I believe that we all have a soulmate ~ for some it is a spouse, others a child, a pet, a parent, a friend, a sibling. Losing that soulmate is surely the toughest experience we will ever know. 16 months into my widow’s journey I have come to the conclusion that I will never learn to live without the love of my life. Like you and Patrick we raised horses and I continue on alone with the life we built. It’s the only thing I know to do. I believe we will always ask “Why?”. When we are finally reunited in Heaven I think we will be so joyous we will no longer want to know. Love is forever. We are learning that lesson now. May God’s grace and mercy surround you and comfort you ~
I can’t remember who said this, but recently I read a quote – “You don’t get “over” it. You just build up enough scar tissue around the loss so it doesn’t hurt as much.” Thanks for sharing this with me, Claudia.
Colleen Bjerg says
So get what you’re going thru! I’m a little over a yr out. Yrs before my husband died, I’d decided I’d have to end it too. Could not conceive of a life w/o him. Still not sure I can. But I continue on, @ least for now for others, friends, relatives, my patients @ a children’s hospital. I was lucky to have my love for 34 yrs. saying a prayer for you. :'(
Karen Backus says
You know…I don’t think many people have any idea about what loss can be like. I know I didn’t. I wouldn’t have minded getting a “heads up” on the path I was going to be traveling! (These are your words Lisa.)
I honestly believe that no one can give you ANY idea of what the path of loss and such unimaginable pain can be like. Most people don’t want to know about what loss can be like – it is way too painful and lonely! Those of us who had a “sudden, unexpected death” realize and envy the preciousness of the “time” that people have had so as to say those last few thoughts and words. However, it must have been a very “mixed blessing” for you, Lisa, as you were also Buddy’s caregiver, thus forcing you into the role of “having to stand at a ‘clinical’ distance,” but then at the same time you were your Buddy’s love of his life and he was and still is yours.
There is just NO easy path that anyone can take. Whether your son, daughter, husband, brother, etc., died, each person will experience a different type of grief, and that is everyone’s right…. However, when all is said and done, we ALL hurt immeasurably and for as long as we need to hurt like this! God help the person who tells me that, after 11 years, I should “be over” missing our son!!
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for reading Charlie’s poem. I also wanted to just say that your words are SUCH words of kindness and generosity for anyone who is in the throes of the grief process no matter how many years it has been since our loved one died!! It hasn’t mattered if you were having a good day or not. You have been SO honest, and this gives all of us the “permission” (as if it was needed) to remain true to our own grief process. Thank you very much, Lisa!
Michelle knapp says
Back in there england I read your blog And you are an amazing women
I have epilepsy and a skin condition that can cause cancer so I’m thankful for everyday I have with my husband and my two lovely boys 19 year and 3 years old
Keep strong and remember buddy is there with you He’s there in your heart even dreams
Take each day as it comes
Entiendo Berta, hay una película argentina llamada El Hijo de la Novia que trata sobre esa enfermedad.
Mi madre fue operada de cáncer de mamas en septiembre de 2009, le extrajeron 26 ganglios de su axila y un cuarto de la mama derecha. Tengo una hermana quien se fue de casa a los dos meses de la operación, yo cuidé de mamá todo el tiempo, me ocupé de mi padre, de los 2 perros que nos quedaban y de la gatita. Sólo le pedí a mi hermana cuando ya no daba mas que se llevara un tiempo a uno de los perros que peleaba mucho al otro, y su novio no quiso, ella tampoco. Así y todo seguí adelante pensando, mamá va a estar bien, me voy a ocupar yo de todo, mi motivación es la salud de mamá, todo va a estar bien. Así la acompañaba todas las tardes a rayos, una vez a la semana a quimio, la ayudaba a bañarse, a cambiar sus parches, a las visitas médicas, me quede a cuidarla toda la noche en el hospital cuando a operaron, todo sola. Al fien mejoro, me senti feliz, ya que mientras ella se hacia el tratamiento yo rendi un examen de ingreso para un trabajo y logre entrar. Dos años despues y 10 días posteriores a su ultima consulta a la oncologa donde mi mama le manifesto un dolor en el pecho y la oncologa le dijo que eran manias de la edad, la mando a un psicologo para que “cambie su forma de ver la vida” diez dias despues mama se sintio cansada, se le subio un poco la presión y quiso recostarse un rato, le dio un infarto y ya no desperto.
Fue repentino, ella tapoco pudo superar la muerte de su madre, la perdio cuando tenia casi 50 años, compartio con su madre mas que conmigo, 50 años de vida juntas! te imaginas eso? yo la perdi a los 37, en verdad tengo celos de mi abuela, tengo odio hacia DIOS que si es verdad que es todopoderoso, omnipotente y ni una hoja se mueve sin su voluntad, me arrebato a mi madre de la peor manera, a traición sin darme tiempo a nada, ni siquiera a despedirme, como lo haciamos cada noche. Solo pido antes de acostarme que mi mama venga pronto por mi, y pensar que antes solo queria vivir, ejercer mi profesión, casarme , tener hijos, ahora quede sola. Solo quiero irme con ella.
No pienses así, Cynthia. Estoy segura de que a tu madre no le gustaría. La vida sigue, y aunque jamás olvidemos a nuestros seres queridos, pienso que hay muchas cosas con las que disfrutar. Ya se que por mucho que te diga no hallarás consuelo, pero poco a poco el tiempo irá diluyendo este dolor.
Mira, la vida da muchas vueltas, y hoy mismo he comenzado prácticas en el mismo hospital que mi madre murió. Ha sido agradable ver que muchas personas se acordaban de ella. Pienso que ha sido una jugarreta del destino que haya tenido que volver allí después de pasarme dos años cuidandola, pero jamás sabemos lo que nos espera. Una enfermera me ha dicho que las cosas no suceden porque sí. Que si he vuelto allí es por algo. No se si tendrá razón, el tiempo lo dirá.
Y seguro que no estás sola, al menos desde aqui te mando un abrazo, ¿Ves? Ya tienes a alguien que piensa en ti. Y Lisa también te da ánimos. Un abrazo.
Gracias Berta y gracias lisa, en verdad sí, me dan ánimos, pero aún no logro dejar de llorar un día, cada día que pasa la extraño más. Sé que mamá queria lo mejor para mí y no le hubiera gustado verme así, pero aún no puedo evitarlo, al punto que si algo me hace reir me siento culpable y luego digo, de qué me río? si no hay motivos.
Estoy pensando y leyendo sobre transcomunicación instrumental o psicofonía, leyeron o saben algo sobre eso? tengo ganas de tomar un sesión, pero no sé si está bien cruzar barreras que fueron puestas por Dios, ya que si Él quiso que el más allá sea un misterio, no correspondería que un mortal cualquiera (como yo) quiera cruzarlo, o a lo mejor sí, quizás espera que lo hagamos para demostrarnos que tales fronteras no existen.
Ustedes qué piensan sobre esto? alguien lo ha practicado?
Un abrazo Lisa, Berta y todo el blog.
Karen Backus says
I am getting too many follow-up comments from all of Lisa’s posts (guess I clicked on the wrong box below) and they all go on my general facebook, so if I could just be notified of Lisa’s replies to just me, I would be extremely grateful……. I’m just not sure how to do this! People know that I don’t receive many FB posts, so they really notice when I get more than a couple….. Please help me to receive just Lisa’s replies to anything that I post to her…………. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!
Not sure how this is done, but I can ask the person who takes care of the site.
Hola Cynthia. Me alegro de que estés un poquito mejor.
Sobre lo que mencionas de psicofonías y transcomunicación instrumental, te diré que se muy poco. Me ofrecieron una vez hacerlo, pero dije que no. No creo mucho en ello, la verdad, pero si es tu deseo y crees que puede ayudarte, hazlo.
Por lo demás, esta es una lucha muy larga a la que tenemos que enfrentarnos día a día, y que sólo podemos vencer con el tiempo.
Un abrazo, Cynthia.
Hola Berta, en realidad yo no sé nada al respecto más que lo que leí. En verdad estoy desesperada, triste, su oncóloga fue negligente, mamá le dijo que le dolia el pecho y ella lo minimizó. Yo no pude despedirme de mamá y nunca le dije cuánto la amaba. Me siento morir y sólo le pido cada noche que venga a buscarme pronto, cada día es una agonía, no sé cómo una persona puede cambiar tanto, yo siempre estuve llena de proyectos, de ilusiones y ahora siento que acá sólo queda mi cuerpo, mi alma se fue con ella.
Me entristece que estés así. No creo que este sea un lugar adecuado para hablar más de este tema. Si lo deseas puedes mandarme tu correo electrónico para poder comunicarnos y darte ánimos. Un beso, Cynthia.
Te iba a decir lo mismo Berta, hay alguna manera de enviártelo en privado?
Besos desde Argentina
Puedes entrar en mi cuenta de facebook. Berta Mayor Falcó. Desde allí podemos comunicarnos o darte mi correo electrónico. Besos.
Hola Berta, te envié un msje. no sé si te llegó. Te reitero mi mail es : [email protected]
No uso facebook así que escribime a ese correo o pasame el tuyo.
The date on this is April 30, this was my 3rd anniversary of my husband Mike’s death. I still cry and cry, and I miss him so much, and so “get” the pain you are feeling. They say it will get better…..I don’t know who “they” is, but I say, like you, how much longer? I guess this is the price we pay of loving someone so much. And that’s okay, my 30 years was worth it.
Yes, it’s crazy, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat. XXL