As I look to the right on my way to morning yoga class.
Beauty n.
1) The quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses and is associated with such properties as harmony of form or color, excellence of artistry, truthfulness, and originality.
I thought I was immune to betrayals, and hurtful actions after my husband died. With the exception of a very few people, I felt Patrick and I had chosen the people in our lives well. And I have been so grateful for their continuing love and friendship.
But in this last month, a few have been revealed to be . . . other than that. Like rocks, eating their way to the surface, they’ve turned up to trip me, making me fall. Fall hard. It’s been particularly tough because a couple of these people I really loved, making their betrayal, the broken trust, so much more painful.
And it threw me into a complete funk. I had been doing so well, but it knocked the feet out from under me. And I couldn’t help but think – If I was so naive as to put my trust so completely, so willingly in someone who would treat me so badly – then whom could I trust? How could I trust my own judgment? I suddenly felt like I was on an island, being shot at from all directions.
Ouch. It really does hurt.
My husband, Patrick, always had a healthy skepticism about people and, I guess, I always let myself feel protected by his love and care. So often since I’ve lost him, I’ve found that, in many ways, I’ve had to grow up. Had to face things that are confrontational to me. Take on more than I could. And be stronger and smarter than I ever imagined (or wanted) to be.
And I thought I was doing a pretty good job.
But I am recognizing my flaws. And one is – sometimes I see what I want to see, rather than what’s really there. You know what? The people that upset me – well, they (and other loyal friends) gave me plenty of warning. And I looked the other way. I just didn’t want it to be true; I didn’t want to lose their friendship.
Sometimes you just gotta be brave enough to face the truth. Hard as it may be. And yes, I find that the line between “being tolerant” with someone, and “being walked on” can be hard to distinguish some times. But when you’re presented with the evidence too many times, well, it’s a good time to realized that you need to respect and take of yourself. One thing that I had resolved to do since my Buddy died is – not be a doormat. And for the most part, I’ve made some good strides in this area.
But knowing all this, doesn’t exempt me from hurt. Damn! And this particular heartache sent me into a struggling depression that has lingered, and lingered, and lingered.
Out the window of my car. Hmm, not bad.
And the other morning, as I forced myself out on to the road to my yoga class, a **song came on the radio, and it reminded me of my Buddy. And through the song I felt a warmth, a positive presence. It was as if he was saying, “No worries . . . We will see each other soon enough.” The morning sun was sparkling as I felt him say to me, soothingly, “In the meantime, I want you to be beautiful.”
“Beautiful.”
And suddenly, the layers of pain started peeling away.
I am only here for a short time. Yeah . . .
Sure, I was hurt. But why waste time with an unhappiness that I’ve already learned, and is dead and gone? It is miniscule in comparison to the sun that’s rising this morning over the Atlantic Ocean.
And that day, I felt better, and I knew that I would come out on the other side – healthier, and happier than before.
As I drove, I remembered a Navaho Indian Healing Prayer about beauty. I’ve always loved the last part of this prayer, but I looked up the entire chant. It’s long, but . . . hey, what the heck, here it is –
Tségihi (Night Chant)
House made of dawn.
House made of evening light.
House made of the dark cloud.
House made of male rain.
House made of dark mist.
House made of female rain.
House made of pollen.
House made of grasshoppers.
Dark cloud is at the door.
The trail out of it is dark cloud.
The zigzag lightning stands high upon it.
I have made your sacrifice,
I have prepared a smoke for you.
Restore my feet for me.
Restore my legs for me.
Restore my body for me.
Restore my mind for me.
This very day take out your spell for me.
Your spell removes from me.
You have taken it away from me.
Far off it has gone.
Happily I recover.
Happily my interior becomes cool.
Happily I go forth.
My interior feeling cool,
May I walk.
No longer sore, may I walk.
Impervious to pain, may I walk.
With lively feeling may I walk.
As it used to be long ago, may I walk.
Happily may I walk.
Happily, with abundant dark clouds, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant showers, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant plants, may I walk.
Happily, on a trail of pollen, may I walk.
Happily may I walk.
Being as it used to be long ago, may I walk.
May it be beautiful before me
May it be beautiful behind me.
May it be beautiful below me.
May it be beautiful above me.
With it, be beautiful all around me.
In beauty it is finished.
** The song: David Gray’s “The One I Love” !! Copy & Paste: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9ViHACDau4
