Warning! Sad blog follows. Don’t want to ruin your day, but maybe you feel like I do…
The coral tree above my house blooms against the cold sky.
It’s a cold, grey day in LA. And it fits my morose mood. It’s not typical. Usually in LA, the sun is shining, and the birds are chirping when I open my eyes and say, “My life s***s.” It’s almost like beautiful days taunt me, like, it’s a lovely picture printed on paper, one I can easily put my hand through and tear apart. The day is only a backdrop to my pain.
But today, today is gloomy, and what do you know – so am I. It’s one of those days that comes and hits me hard in the solar plexus. That wants to cripple me. And all I can think is – how long will this last? How long do I have to live before I die?
Okay. Reading what I just wrote – I sound pretty depressed, huh? But, I don’t think there’s anyone out there who wouldn’t agree with me that – Grief S*%#s. It really does.
This grey day is one of those days that is filled with a kind of last-ditch desperation. Unbearable feelings of pain, anger, and sadness that panic me as I try to find a way to escape them. I go through the list of the things I could, and/or want to do, 1) curl up in bed and not move, 2) crack open a beer, 3) *crack open a beer, and curl up in my bed and not move. There are more ambitious solutions, 1) sell everything and move to a different city, 2) set fire to my house. * Actually, I’d prefer wine.
I could also just try just screaming, long and strong. But I’d have to find someplace where my animals won’t hear me, and I don’t risk breaking their hearts, and having them keel over from anxiety.
My options for dealing with this day are not very good. And then I have my list of Happy! Pro-Active! Choices. Ugh. And you know what? I’ll probably work on some of those things on my list. And I’ll just ploddingly, heavily, deliberately, keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Even Farah is dealing with pain today. She was just weaned from her mom.
I’m thinking that I should at least entertain the thought of handing this terrible grief over to my Higher Power. So I’m not carrying the whole load alone. But I’m still so mad that my honey was taken away from me. It just hurts too much. And so, I’ll do what I usually do: I wander around a lot (cause my brain synapses are not really firing properly today), I’ll make some lame attempts to do some work (and maybe I’ll get ¼ of what I usually get done), and I’ll just dig deep – really deep – for the strength to not let this destroy me.
I get mad. I say, “No. You’re not going to flatten me into nothingness today.” And while I’ve never seen myself as someone who uses might to right things, I’ve learned how to fight back, albeit sometimes in a stubborn, childish kind of way. I mean, I feel like I have so few tools against this awfulness. It’s just little me under this oppressive weight of grief.
But I’m going to do my best to not let it crush me today. And if that means getting mad, so be it. Tomorrow, I may be on top of the world. But it’s not tomorrow today.
Oh Lisa,,,gloomy days are great for adding fuel to gloomy moods..Go sit in your car, close all the windows and scream until it hurts. I swear it works. Then go back inside – I promise you’ll have a new perspective. Hope the sun comes out for you soon. Sending Love
Ingrid
Hah! I never thought of the car with the windows up.
: (
Hugs you tightly xoxo
Birgit
You are a beautiful writer & a beautiful person inside and out. All I can offer is cyber hugs. Keep dancing and doing what you love best is all I have to offer. Much love to you my friend.
Dear Lisa,
Here’s a poem I sort of rewrote for the way you’re feeling today. I hope that it helps.
HIDDEN FEELINGS
These feelings I felt,
They never really went away,
It’s put me through hell,
Cause I couldn’t stop missing you,
Every single day.
Even the thought of your name,
Drives me crazy with grief,
I need some sort of joy or comic relief,
To rescue me and take me away,
From all this never ending pain.
But then I stop and think,
Of all our times laughing and dancing together,
Those memories live in my heart forever.
Suddenly for a moment I break into a smile,
And realize that my life is still worthwhile.
It’s a daily struggle living without you,
But I will try my damnedest to be strong,
And keep pushing on.
As I ride my horse so happy and free,
I wish that you were there right beside me.
So until that time when we will meet again,
My heart still beats for you from now til the end.
Take care Lisa and remember although today is rough there is always tomorrow. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman with still so much to live for. Just take it one day at a time. I know I’ve said this before, but Patrick hasn’t left you, he’s still there in your heart and soul. Sorry if I sound cheesy or cliche in saying that. God bless you.
All my love,
Nikki
what a nice poem!
I agree with Katy–absolutely beautiful poem!!!
Awww thanks Lindsey and Katy! Even though we’re not friends I feel as I am sharing my feelings and experiences with Lisa and you ladies it’s as if we’ve known each other in another life. Poems, stories and plays are again an emotional release for me and whatever I’m feeling pours out of my soul, in my pen and onto the paper. It’s my therapy. Have a wonderful night ladies and sweet dreams to you Lisa. XXXOOO
Nikki
This is a beautiful heart touching poem Nikki it really is great
xox Julie
It always amazes me, how poems can have so much meaning with so little wording! Great Poem!!
Yes, very lovely. Thank you, L
Thank you Julie, Brenda and Lisa. Hugs and love to ya’ll. Goodnight. 🙂
oh lisa, que lastima que no se ingles, pero me encantaria que me contestaras, pues soy una gran admiradora tuya y de tu marido patrick swayze, no se como hacer por poder tener un simple contacto contigo. te mando muchos besos y abrazos desde españa y ojala que seas muy feliz.
I hate platitudes and will not use any. It does totally suck. And you are entitled to feel the way you do today. Sending warm thoughts across the miles. Diana
Thanks, Diana.
{{{{Hugs}}}} Lisa!!!!!!!
Lisa i know its very hard to carry on I havent had my husband crossover. I have had my first daughter Nicole stillorn and then her sister Robyn was born on the 31/12/1991 and crossed over on the 2/1/1992.
I still get very down just after christmas and still dont celebrate New Years Eve, I just cant. I know that Robyn would want me to be happy and that Nicole and Robyn pop in every now and then to say hi.
Patrick is with you when you really need him you will feel him around the home and you. He will come to you in your dreams and let you know that he is fine and that you must try and move on. BUT we cant we hurt to much its just to hard some days. Grief is different for each person so you deal with your grief in your own way and in your time. You and Patrick are soulmates. You will be together again.
Be strong
Helen
There’s no good things that come out grief..you don’t want to hear, “it will pass, or your strong or I’m here for you.”It’s nice that people care ..none the less your huge hole in your heart still sits…and just getting up to take a shower hurts..the best part of my day..is my night. When I can dream and get my lovely friends and family back..even for one night…It doesn’t get easier, it gets manageable. God Bless you Lisa.
Lisa;
I so know how you feel. I did not lose a spouse but a child. There have been days I yell at God, I yell at whoever is within hearing distance, I have been known to scream also. You feel like there is nothing that can help you, your alone with your feelings. No one else knows how you feel, and we don’t want anyone to know how we feel. Wouldn’t wish that on our worst enemy. Everyone is different, everyone deals with loss in a different way, but it is still loss. We have every right to be angry. to do whatever we want that will help us to deal with that loss, as long as it’s not hurtful to someone else. I say, pour your glass of wine, sit down and reflect on the good times you and Patrick had. I wish you love & peace within. I thank you for sharing your feelings with us, and in some way, I pray by doing so it helps you. Hope your day will turn sunny soon. XPat
Lisa your blog posts always reduce me to tears because you always seem to blog the right thing at the right time. I prefer wine too….
Hey Lisa, I feel that there nothing I can say that will be of any comfort to you today. I have many days like you are having.
So here is a big warm and happy hug from me to you and I hope you feel better soon.
Lorna. Xxxxxx
Oh, Lisa, you are so awesome. Not many can be so honest about their feelings and so articulate at the same time. Call me if you would like (978) XXX-XXXX. I am a social worker, but most of all I am a friend in far away Boston who cares. I would love to talk with you.
Sally
Oh Lisa! it’s not possible to be on an up all the time, especially when you are grieving so badly for the love of your life. I guess on the ‘down’ and ‘deeply down’ days we just have to listen to our bodies and our hearts and do as they say, even if it’s just for that one day. You are obviously very attuned to the messages your body sends out, but also used to having to close yourself off from these, particularly when you had to keep going for Patrick’s sake. It must be very hard to let go and give in……but it’s not the same as giving up! So let go when you need to, you will always find that inner strength to carry on. Your friends and family will always be there for you.
Those trees that died on your ranch? Perhaps they were taken somewhere in advance of Patrick’s going, and they are once again living and growing in a beautiful place – a piece of home that Patrick is enjoying still. You know him better than anyone Lisa. What would he want you to do? It’s not easy to carry on when it feels like that fist that’s hit you in the solar plexus has actually entered into your body and is wrenching your insides out. But you can do it beautiful lady, and we’re all right behind you!
I have those days too. I curl up in bed and watch a funny movie. That seems to help. Take care!
i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Dear Lisa,
I’m sending you this wonderful poem by E.E.Cummings.
True- on a sad day it might make you even sadder, make you cry.
But I love the hope that it can also give. A love so deep as your love for Patrick can’t be taken away from you, not even through death!
And by carrying his heart in yours, I wish for you to find strength on days like today!!
Sending blessings your way,
Annette.
I love that poem. On a good, bad (or any day), it’s a great poem.
Love how you actually take the time to reply! It is very much appreciated. Hope the last few days have been better ones!!
Hello Lisa,
I know sometimes when the weather are very bad you feel like s…s, but you are a very strong woman and I know it’s still hard for you, but think tommorrow will be a better day. Sometimes I got does feeling too and people can say everything and it dont make me feel better. Take this honest and warm hug from me to you, you will be better soon.
Caludai from Germany
Thanks Claudia. I am feeling a bit better. It’s slow, but it’s better than yesterday. Although people say I’m a strong person, I feel like I’m having to learn how to be even stronger than I ever thought possible. And you what? I think I’m learning how to do just that.
Hello Lisa,
My thoughts are with you an big hugs from us Fans.
Love and Light
Simone
My heart goes out to you, so much has happened to me since that day we met at the McNairs back in the 80s. All I can say is each day gives us choices, and sometimes it is ok to feel that way, just don’t let it take too much from you. So many things i questioned then has meaning today. Go out and brush a beautiful Arabian, take a few deep breaths and search your heart for the happy memories. Buddy would want you to be happy. God bless you.
Lisa
Lisa, it makes me so sad to read that you are having such a bad day. I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain and make you feel better. But, I know nothing I say or do will help. Just know I’m always here for you, and you’re LOVED! I did find this link– maybe it will make you smile…http://www.modernlifeblogs.com/2010/10/45-simple-yet-angelic-ideas-to-brighten-your-day-2/ Sending tons of love, hugs, and wishes for a brighter tomorrow! XX. PS: I’m not real sure how to make a link, so I hope if you copy/paste it will work! 🙂
I love the link. The only thing I’m not up for yet is making a “gratitude” list – cause there’s one thing I can’t put at the top that makes everything else pale in comparison. Not saying that someday I’ll be able to do it.
I’m so glad you enjoyed the link, Lisa. And, I completely understand about the “gratitude” list. Just keep taking those baby steps…and maybe, just maybe, someday you will be able to make one. XXX
PS. How’s your adorable Farah doing?
I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Prayers your way!
Lisa, i know how you feel today and I hope will be better with our comments. Tonight , I dreamed with my father, who died fifteen years ago of alzheimer, my life hasn’t been easy since then. When anytime i dreamed with him, it was grief, it was no pretty, almost I couldn’t see him or he ran away … So, this time has been well different, i was in the window and he walked in front of me with his glasses, his grey coat and his cap. I scream: daddy, daddy por twice, and he crossed the street and when he close to me, he has the patrick’s smile and his eyes.
He gave a big big hug, and i felt like a little girl, her litte girl but with patrick’s around us.
Take care lovely,
Maite.
Wow. What a dream. And it must have felt very healing for you. I’ve had dreams like that with Patrick, where he’s held, and comforted me. So incredible…
Dear lisa, before nothing thanks a lot for your answer. I didn’t wait for it and i was very happy to read your comment. I hope you write in few weeks another post in your blog, for to talk with you through it in same way.
Take care dear,
Maite Sánchez
Maite & Lisa,
That is so amazing. I had a dream years ago about my other Grandma who had passed away from lung cancer and the memory of it still stays with me. I was sitting in church and the service had just begun when suddenly my grandma walks in, sits next to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek. After the service was over, my family and I had a bbq with some church friends and my grandma joined us. The entire time she was following me around, smiling, hugging me and whispering in my ears. I didn’t know what to think at this point, so I went up to my mom and asked “What is grandma doing here? I thought she passed” And without missing a beat my mom replied, “She isn’t gone. She’s never really gone. She’ll always be with you” I smiled and the dream ended. Thank you for sharing your dreams with me. You both are amazing, amazing women.
Love,
Nikki
Nikki, thanks for your comment. Your dream is beautiful, i liked it. It’s nice and you’re amazing too.
L,
Maite
Hi Lisa
I see you are having a real down in the dumps day, grief catches you up any time but all will be ok tomorrow as you wake to a new day, this is a little step back but remember those baby steps forward there will be more of those to come.
Just remember your goodtimes with Patrick and the family they will help you get on track again, as you will find many bumps and curves thrown at you by weather and feeling low it creeps up on you but you will get the better of it just takes time. julie XXOX God bless you will get through this xxox
Dear Lisa,
I’m so sorry to hear that today is not one of your best days….but yes…grief s*^@s…it’s a b**ch!
I do hope that writing this blog made you feel better cause writing down your feelings sometimes helps..
Of course you are mad that Patrick was taken away from you…You have every right to…It’s not fair at all!
It’s so good that you are sharing your feelings with us…even on a day like this.
Lisa…I really hope you’ll feel better tomorrow…my thoughts are with you!
Xxx
Hey Lisa,
I wish I could say something good about grief, but the only thing that comes in my mind is that grief will go away some day or will change. But as I write this I ask myself if it’s true what I’m writing…and I have no idea. But I’m sure that it will become more capable and the waves from the “ups” and “downs” will become softer. It sounds like your feelings are trying to find the balance just like an tight rope walker…. Argh, it’s hard to find the right words by knowing there are no right words…
Lisa, you do what you can, you do the best with your time but you can’t control, how long this will last and this is hard for a person who always has been ambitious and wanted things to work. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to crowl into your bed and not move – it’s ok, there is nothing wrong with it – but the glass of wine is also an good idea..why not? (if you don’t drink one bottle every day there is no problem…) Don’t expect miracles, some things happen spontaneously and you’re on the right path!
You’re sounding kind of angry and you never sounded angry before, not even in your books and maybe this is a good sign. They say that grief goes through a few phases (i think five, but I’m not absolutely sure…) and anger is on place four (hope I got it right…) that means you’re almost through (sounds good or not? Hope I don’t write something that hurts you….)
I hope so for you, I hope that this day passes away fast and that the sun shines tomorrow outside your windows and into your heart. You’re in our thoughts and prayers and we’ll be there no matter how long your path through this grief will last – we have time!
Tani
Hi Lisa,
I’m sorry for you. Sometimes we have a lot sadness, but it’s important to think that there are a lot of peoples who think about you, and support you, all over the world. Tomorrow will be another day… I love a lot this citation (I don’t know from who) “why worry about today, because tomorrow it will be over”. It help me sometimes.
I send you rays of sunshine that I have here today 🙂
Yes, grief does s!?k….. I have those kind of days…Six months since my husband and daughter were killed in an auto accident… They never leave my thoughts…Some times grief hits me like a ton of bricks and some times I just want to stay in bed…I know I’m just passing the time until its my turn and I can see them again… Its so hard to act happy…They say time heals, but the only thing time has done is make me miss them more…No one knows how we feel, unless they’ve been there…Hang in there and I will try to, too…..
Oh Lisa, there are no words. My thoughts and heart are with you…….
Hi Maria,
I find out your homepage and my mind blows away!!!!!
Your such an wonderful and professionel artist, that’s amazing!
Maria wow! I also looked at your beautiful home page its amazing I loved the horse and the pets they are such a pleasure to look through you are a wonderful artist so blessed.
love Julie xx
Hey Lisa, you don’t have to be strong all the time, we all need a little time to ourselves to let our true feelings out. scream, shout, cry, have a glass or two of wine. LET IT OUT!!! your life for the past 5 yrs has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, you are only human. Locking away your feelings will only cause you more pain down the line. I hope the sun shines for you soon in every way.
”The Angels are close to those who are grieving.
whispering to them that their loved ones are safe
in the hands of god.”
I’m so sorry you’re having a bad day. All I can suggest is try to do things you enjoy, things that make you happy. This too shall pass and hopefully the sun will come out tomorrow 🙂
Hello Lisa,
As you can see by all of these comments before mine, you are not alone. I know nothing we say can take away your pain, but I hope you can envision us all there behind you. Even though many of us are strangers, some might be in the same drifting boat as you, and can share your grief. So here’s a little song quote for you from Rodney Atkins. Maybe it will help keep your chin up. 😉
“If you’re goin’ through hell, keep on going
Don’t slow down, if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there
When you’re goin’ through hell, keep on movin’
Face that fire, walk right through it
You’ll get out before the devil even knows you’re there…”
Sending you strength!
Debbie Z.
Someday please consider putting this blog into a book/journal. Unfortunately,soooo many people can relate to what you share. Your posts are so real and beautifully written.
Hi Lisa,
I can’t say I know how you feel …… But I am watching my wonderful Mom fight the same dreaded disease your Patrick did. She had beaten it, her last scan in January showed no sign of disease. Three weeks ago her marker started going up and her scan on the 24th shows that the cancer is back and it has spread to her liver and lungs! She sees her doctor tomorrow and will find out more details of upcoming treatment and prognosis. I am beyond sad, my Mom is my best friend. She is a fighter and I will be fighting with her every step of the way.
I wish you sunny days here in Los Angeles and where ever you go….keep dancing and remember that Patrick is ALWAYS with you and watching over you.
Thank you for your books. I am learning lots from them.
Love & Light,
Barb
For certain is death for the born and certain is birth for the dead; therefore over the inevitable thou should not grieve. You can shed tears that he is gone or you can smile because he has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left. Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember him and only that he’s gone or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what he’d want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in a manner so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”
I read this a while ago and saved it because I’m going to be trying to tell myself this very soon. I have been married 39 years and I can’t imagine life without my husband, but his time now is very short.
Sorry for my english is not very well, because since several years i didn’t speak it. In the word “Tonight”, i wanted to write” last night,” because this was happen friday’s night.
I want to correct this. Thanks and i hope you feel better with my special sensation, better than before.
L
Lisa, I wish I could do something for you and take away your pain and your loneliness. But I’m afraid there is no chance… So all I can do is letting you know, that I’m with you in my thoughts every day and that I’m trying to send you power to lighten up your darkness. I didn’t lose my husband (I don’t even have one until now), but I lost a wonderful friend, the one that meant the most to me – and still does. It’s hard enough to deal with that loss, so I can only imagine how hard it is for you to live on without the love of your life. I know for sure, that Patrick is right beside you every single second and I hope that he is able to turn your sad moments into happier ones.
Sending you a huge hug
Nicole
Hi Lisa – sounds just like the posts I currently find myself writing on our blog – my beautiful lady Carol lost her own brave battle with Motor Neurone Disease in December and I’m wading through treacle everyday just to put one foot in front of the other.
Even though we knew what was coming with that illness, and I told everyone I was “prepared”, I didn’t have a clue what it would be like once Carol was gone.
There is no “preparing” for the simple fact that Carol isn’t here anymore – I can’t see, touch, hold or speak to her anymore – and I had no idea how that would actually “feel” – well it really hurts.
Take care – and be strong (apparently that’s what we’re supposed to do!!)
Mike xx
carolmike25.blogspot.com
For what it’s worth Lisa, I think you truly are a wonderful lady -only human- and you really do have a lot to live for! I’m sending lots and lots of positive energy your way and hope you can have your Sisu work for you again…so that tomorrow WILL be another day! Take care!
X Sandra
God do I know how you feel, the grief just comes back sometimes. My solution is to just let it happen. I will take a hot bath with a glass of wine and let my feelings out. Got to do that once in a while
Next make a list of what makes you feel good. If you get that anger feeling of “Why me!” then do something physical and constructive. Once you have let those feelings out you are ready to move on.
Just take it day by day.
Thanks for being honest and sharing your feelings. This blog helps me when I am down since I know there are others like yourself Lisa who I can discuss my emotions with.
I am sure there will be more sunshine days ahead for you Lisa.
Sending you a big hug.
Ann
Hi Lisa,
Reading this blog I really just wanted to give you the biggest hug. do what you can, that is all you can ask of yourself, if that means not doing much , screaming, crying, then do that. Do what ever it takes to get you through the day. Just keep fighting minute by minute, as tomorrow is a new day and brings new promise for a better day.
Catherine
(hugs)
Hi Lisa:
Today is another day, at least in Spain, so I hope you are better now. Everything will be better soon. It´s hard but you can help a lot of people with your experiences, so… Have a nice day!
I understand your pain and your grief. Grief is much powerful but happiness is much more powerful.
Do not expect miracles, give your body and your soul the time they needed.
33 Years with the men you loved … he’s gone, and this needs time to overcome.
Be a little more pleasant to yourself. It’s ok that you hate the grief and the sadness.
Lisa, I wish you much power and strenght to come through these days of sorrow.
My thoughts and prayers goes out to you and …. feel embrace from the love of so many fans.
Dear Lisa,
i´m so sorry you are feeling sad.It must be hard for you,harder than i can imagine because your love for each other was so strong.I just hope you can find a bit of relief from your pain.
You have to think of that Patrick´s love it´s like sunshine and always when you think of him it warms you up in your heart and in your soul.I understand that you are still going through very hard moments and your heart still grieving over Patrick….
The only thing what i can say that We all fans love you we send you all our love and support,
Try to relax and take care, please
Lisa,
Its been two years and two months since Gil passed, and I miss him so deeply……I talk to him all the time, and sometimes I really feel his presence…..that’s what I miss most…….he was always here, and now he’s always there……..he was the love of my life, always made me feel better. He would wrap his arms around me, and say, Ilove you, don’t worry honey, everything will be okay. Now I’m on my own, day after day…….and its hard, very hard at times. Like you know, only those who have lost a spouse would know, and its hurts more because we were crazy in love with each other, did everything together, even if we did nothing, he was there! I wonder sometimes, “how do I go on?” Then I think, what would he want me to do? I know he knows how hard this is….. and what I come up with is, he would want me to go on, doing what makes me happy, till I’m with him again. So, I think…..what would make me happy right now? and then I do it. I go to one Bereavement meeting a month, that seems to help…….In the beginning, I was going to meeting twice a week. Remember the Serenity pray, say it Lisa…….
Dear Lisa,
I just read your blog of yesterday and wanted to answer it to try to convey a little bit of comfort on the spot. But your page was down grrr silly thing, just work to give me a chance to send a hug to Lisa!!
O. k., step by step. First, let me introduce myself a bit (not too much, as everybody can read it ;-)). I am a 40 year old German living in the so called green hard of Germany, which is the state of Thuringia (fits 26 times into California). I have 2 kids, a girl of 7.5 and a boy of nearly 4. O. k., that’s enough formality for the moment.
Now, what can I do to send some comfort across the ocean? Well, words are not strong enough. Let’s try something different. I send some things that help me, when I’m feeling down. So, from my son Konstantin I send some strokes and smooches as he is really good in snuggling. Hope you can feel his little hands and the wet kiss on your cheek. And from Kim-Emely I send you a big big hug, a self-painted picture with a big yellow sun, you as a princess, a horse nearby and your castle. Can you imagine? What I pity that I can’t send files.
Well now, what to send from me? Let me think about it for a moment. Yeah, I have it. I send my foot, kicking you out of the bad (sorry for being so cheeky). And then, I send my hands, drag you to the stable (imagine: kids helping me tumbling around us). Guess what’s coming! Right, saddle 2 horses, take a big picnic basket and up and leave for as long as it takes to make you smile again. But please, don’t wait too long cause my butt will hurt as I’m not riding a lot.
So, I really hope, you close your eyes, imagine all this and then there is a small grin in your face.
BIG BIG HUG
from Kerstin.
I wished I could be with you, just give you companionship and comfort. Just finished reading you book (which affected me deeply) and wonder so often how you are. My mom died also in 2009, two months before Patrick, and my comfort was that when I felt or feel sad or was whiney I know for sure that my mom would say that I shall enjoy life and not be sad because of her, so I could smile, just for her to show her to do her this favor. Maybe it will help you also. To talk something away as you are doing here could probably also help a little. Maybe you could try to take your mind off things and go shopping or meet friends or hug your animals.
I give you a big hug and my heart goes out to you.
Love, Melanie
Dear Lisa,
I wish I could take you in my arms (like a friend – like a daughter with her mother) and I hate when you are sad, when you feel too much distress.
It’s not fair.
Everywhere (from USA, Germany, Australia, France, Portugal, Spain, Heaven,…) and all the time,somebody thinks about you.
Je vous embrasse très fort.
clémentine
I hope you are waking up to a better day today…I am sending some hugs…and some prayers your way. Just know that Patrick would NOT want you feeling this way. Please smile!
Oh Lisa. I’m so sorry to hear you so sad.
And, I must tell you the truth, that your new blog, it made me cry.
But don’t worry. For me it is normal.
Fighting with a terrible depression, and not only… I understand.
Unfortunately, many people I loved are gone, and… The day blacks (I call them that), come as a nasty spate of oil spills. And you down. Completely down. And I too, like you, I would be lying in bed for hours and hours … Without seeing and / or hear anyone.
And, sometimes, like you, I’m asking the same sad thing………
Because sometimes I feel so useless and hopeless. Or maybe, because I would like to see again all those people that I loved… Maybe this second……..
I am glad you have special friends with you to spend your time and distract sometimes. It is very important.
It’s not 100%, but they can help you.
All I hope for you, is that you can find a light, in this terrible and unfair grief you’re in.
Lots of love, a tender hug.
Sincerely.
Nadia.
Oh sorry. I forgot to say something….
Farah is lovely and so sweet!
I LOVE horses!!
I hope she is better soon.
Nadia.
¡Ánimo Lisa! Solo el tiempo podrá curar su sufrimiento. Un abrazo.
Hi Lisa,
Gloomy days make you feel like hiding away, but you can hide. It’s sunny days that make you feel you should be out smiling at the world when all you want to do is lock yourself away. At the same time you feel guilty if one of these days you do enjoy yourself.
I love the way you write. It feels like we are having a conversation with you, feels like I am getting to know you. I love all the pictures that you put up on here. It really builds up a picture of you and your life. Hope we can see some more. I think the window is beautiful looking out to nature. How peaceful.
Your animals will give you strength. I cuddle mine when I am sad. Give your animals a cuddle tonight, they are so loyal and loving They know how you feel and think.
I know you feel angry with the lord for taking patrick, it’s hard to believe in god sometimes, You wrestle with this, why has he taken the man i love, why does he want to hurt me? I don’t know the answer to why he would take something so precious maybe it is because he wants Patrick to help in heaven. Maybe teach people to dance. I know though that god often helps in stressful times in my life, give him your worries and burdens, his strength will be with you, also Patrick’s spirit is with you and ask him for the strength too.. Its okay to feel sad, always keep fighting.
Beatifull Coral tree! I’ve never seen one before and Farah is adorable! It looks like she’s having a little separation anxiety in the pic. Maybe you two could work it out together. Right now I’d trade you our 85 degree Houston weather for your cooler spell….my vehicle airconditioner went out. Looking for new one….don’t you just love dealing with car salesmen?????? Hugs and prayers coming your way hope tomorrow brings a better day.
I’m flying to Jacksonville, Fla. first weekend in May, for a walk for Cancer(non specific). I’ll wear purple. I had suggested that they contact you as a speaker…don’t know if they did or not.
Just returned from a vacation and read your book. I was beyond amazed of your inner and outer
strength. I think from my own personal experiences in life time is the only true healer. I have
made a vow to myself to not be a whimpy, winer or unhappy person after reading how hard you
and Patrick fought the “battle”. I’m sure you have heard all the adivce you can stand, so I wont
go there… I just wanted to say “thanks” for opening my eyes to the gift of my own life. My prayers
are with you…
Lisa: My husband and I would have celebrated our 42nd anniversary last Wednesday, but he lasted less than six months from diagnosis. We had just started enjoying our retirement together and now he is gone. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced and it’s been less than two months since his death. Reading some of your blog has made me feel a bit less alone. Thank you for sharing. I plan to read your book but I don’t think I can stand to do so right now. Bless you for your strength and love for your husband.
Hi Lisa,
How are you today? I hope you feel better. If not, I thought about something crazy during jogging this morning (you see I think a lot of you 😉 ) (even if I am sure you won’t do that, I want to let you know that you have an option to have a change of scene), so boarding an airplane to Cologne, my husband and me will pick you up and we show you our lovely wine area (we have off the last week of April).
Love, Melanie
when I thought about your pain and your sadness a song pop up into my mind ……listen to this song I imagine Patrick take your hand in his and is just beside you … still … you wrote about your dreams, and this hopefully comforting you a bit, the lyrics are by Herbert Grönemeyer, a german artist:
If you are fishing in troubled waters
And it drips into your mind
If all the secrets are revealed
And you feel lost
I turn around you
Put me in front of the evil eye
I’ll take over your tears
To survive all the torment and torture
Even if you contendest, you tear yourself
If everything is obscured
I will bring you through the night
If the compass shows only heaven and hell
Your senses are blur
If you can not forgive yourself
And none clear your inner fires
Eliminate every curse
Lots you through the deepest valley
Dearest Lisa, I hope your mood has brightened in the last couple of days… So sorry I wasn’t on-line when you were feeling so low but you are always in my thoughts and prayers. We finally got our new PC and I have made a copy of ‘Tumbling Down’ the song I wrote for my dad that I told you about, so as soon as I get my act together I shall get that posted off to you. In the meantime stay strong sweetheart, even though some days you may not want to and who can blame you and if it all gets too much and you wanna escape please know you have an extended family here in the UK who would be more than happy to welcome you into their home as well as their lives… ;o) Much love dearest Lisa and ‘speak’ soon. Jo xx
Lisa, You said that dance is like your second language…. Why not USE it in your life today? If you could do anything with dance today what do you suppose Patrick (Buddy) would want you to do? If his mother can still “rock it,” you have a long time ahead of you to have this be an integral part of your life. How about finding a place and open a dance school (any kind of dance), or how about opening a place with your close friends where people can gather and have a place to dance??? Every single time that you dance, you HONOR what you and Buddy had…… Please give it some thought??? Just an idea. Sure would give you something concrete to look forward to and we all need that in our lives… Thanks for listening, Karen
Así como usted describe su estado de ánimo es como me siento. No quiero ser reiterativa ya que le escribí varias veces sobre cómo me siento desde la partida de mamá. Este mes se cumplen 6 meses de que no la veo y ya no la volveré a ver nunca! siento que se me desgarra el alma, que me apuñalaron en el corazón y ni siquiera Dios tuvo la decencia de terminar con mi vida junto con la de ella. En estos días mi odio hacia dios es tan grande que no puedo describirlo. Mamá fue operada de cáncer de mama en el 2009, la semana en que Patrick Swayze falleció, ella desde el hospital me avisó por mensaje de texto y lloré mucho cuando su esposo partió, con todo respeto me enamoré de él cuando tenía 14 años y vi Dirty Dancing, mamá también lo admiraba. Volviendo a ella, su doctora dijo que estaba bien y que el dolor en el pecho que ella le manifestó eran ñañas y quejas de la edad, de una viejecita. A los 15 días mamá se fue a dormir y ya no despertó. Eso fue verdaderamente injusto. Maldigo a dios y a su doctora y espero pronto reunirme con ella. Ni siquiera pude despedirme, no sabía que ocurriría ese día. La doctora dijo que estaba todo bien, el día anterior paseamos y compramos el almuerzo para el Día de la Madre. Mi mamá falleció un día antes de ese día. La tuvimos que enterrar en un nicho el Día de la Madre. Muy injusto, me pregunto qué se supone que debo aprender de esta experiencia? en qué me enriquece que dios me haya arrebatado a mi mamá y me haya dejado con la carga de mi padre? una persona esquizofrénica que lo único que hizo fue arruinarnos la vida? Ya no tengo con quien hablar, sólo tengo a mi hermana que prefiere estar con sus amigas y me dice que le cansa que hable todo el tiempo de mamá. A mi padre ya ni le importa, ni la nombra después de 44 años juntos. Mi vida se desmoronó. Tengo 37 años y terror de morir pero más aún de pasar otros tantos años sin saber de mi mamá. El otro día fui con una tarotista y me dijo que mi mamá está bien, incluso me dijo que está junto a mi abuela y la describió. No sé si acertó de casualidad o en verdad pudo verlas. Al principio me emocioné, luego me entristecí y al regreso fui a comprar una cerveza porque ya no podía pensar más, no me daba la cabeza. Estaba en casa sola y triste. A veces pienso en buscar un medium pero la mayoría son mentirosos y por otro lado pienso que hay ciertas fronteras que no debemos cruzar y dejar que nuestros seres queridos descansen en paz. Usted qué opina, ojalá pueda responder, yo no hablo inglés pero uso el traductor google y puedo entender la idea global de lo que usted dice. Hoy sus palabras describen mis sentimientos.
Entiendo todo lo que te está pasando. Solo puedo darte ánimos. A mi me sucede algo parecido. También perdí a mi madre, y desde entonces nada es igual.Todo se ha desmoronado. Un beso y cuidate.
Berta, mi correo electrónico es [email protected].
Besos,
Cynthia
hola cinthya, yo al igual que tu me enamore muy jovencita de patrick swayze y siempre lo he admirado a el y a su esposa lisa, me parece que son un ejemplo de pareja. Se que buscas el apoyo de la gente que ha pasado por tu misma experiencia, pero cada uno la vive con distinta intensidad, yo no me quiero imaginar el dia que falte mi madre pues lo es todo para mi junto a mis hijas. Yo tuve una perdida de un bebe hace 8 años y me recomendo mi psicologa y libro que me ayudo mucho, se llama la muerte un amanecer, de elisabeth kubler ross, esta escritora es magnifica, te lo recomiendo para que puedas sobrellevar mejor la ausencia de tu mama. te mando un saludo y besos. manoli
Dear Lisa,
I know you’re probably sick of my poems, but after looking at your pics of your salsa dancing adventures in L.A on Facebook I couldn’t help but post this poem I wrote years ago.
DOWNTOWN
Step out of the theatre,
Into the night air,
Laughing,
Carrying on without
a single care.
Walking down the
crowded, crazy streets,
Smiling and laughing
at every person we meet,
Sense of joy and excitement,
I can feel it deep inside,
I feel so happy,
I feel so alive.
Walk into the club
with music booming so loud,
As we stride in rhythm to
the music,
We slowly get lost in the crowd.
It may be hot and crowded,
That doesn’t matter tonight,
For we’re going to dance
and have fun,
Til the morning light.
Take care Lisa. Keep dancing and having fun.
XXXOOO,
Nikki
Your poems are wonderful Nikki!
Thanks for sharing!!
Oh NOOOO…..NIKKI,please don’t stop the poems. I haven’t read poems in 20 years or more, prior to Lisa’s MAG web site. I had forgotten how meaningful they are.
Thanks from all of us.
OMG Geraldine. U are too kind for words. What you said made me blush with happiness. Everything I write is never forced out or written just for the heck of it, they are written from my gut. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, it’s the only thing (besides my husband) that makes me happy and I hope to make a living from it one day.
Love to all of you amazing, beautiful women,
Nikki
Hey Nikki!
Love this, it’s so beautiful xxx
Morning Lisa,
just dropping a line to say hope today is one of your brighter days…
Love Jo xx
It’s only natural to have them sort of days Lisa I won’t pretend I know how you feel because I don’t and thankfully as I’m only young no one close to my heart has died and I dread that day they do. But I can’t think of it like that. We need to live life to the fullest.. We only get one ! Much love lisa chin up girl!:)
Yo creo que somos almas viviendo experiencias terrenales, que cada uno de nosotros viene al mundo con una misión y que si no aprende lo que debía, entonces reencarna tantas veces hasta lograr aprender eso que debía. Estoy lejos de ser perfecta, ojalá me reencuentre con mamá en otra vida, eso es lo único que me mantiene esperanzas.
Ok…get a LARGE box….no bubble wrap required because we dont care if the contents are damaged. Pour all your grief and heartache into said box, seal securely and send to Michigan. I have a big lake I can dump contents of said box into. I want you whole and healed and I will do whatever it takes …..
Hugs!!!
Lisa, I felt strongly enough about you NEEDING to dance that I re-posted this. I don’t understand all of the “particulars” that go into creating a dance school and I won’t pretend that I know anything about opening a club, but if you three friends could put your heads together I would bet that you 3 great, strong and fearless women could come up with something pretty darn awesome!! I cannot even imagine what Patrick (Buddy) would do if the situation were reversed, but I have to believe that he would NOT stop dancing!!!
Lisa, You said that dance is like your second language…. Why not USE it in your life today? If you could do anything with dance today what do you suppose Patrick (Buddy) would want you to do? If his mother can still “rock it,” you have a long time ahead of you to have this be an integral part of your life. How about finding a place and open a dance school (any kind of dance), or how about opening a place with your close friends where people can gather and have a place to dance??? Every single time that you dance, you HONOR what you and Buddy had…… Please give it some thought??? Just an idea. Sure would give you something concrete to look forward to and we all need that in our lives… Thanks for listening, Karen
Reply
Hi Lisa! What are you today? I’m going through some bad days, and watch videos of Patrick and ustes helps me get through the bad times. A kiss
What a gorgeous little filly!
I bet she already moved on to the next adventure in her life and is not sad about not being with mommy any-longer.
Hi Lisa !
Thank you for your last book” Worth Fighting For ” You are really helping” widows friends” with your book.
Grief is very strong emotion. I hate when people tell me , will be better with time, you got over, no……you can’t got over, you learn live with this. This is not easy, just one think I know for sure…… was worth fighting for. <3
Yes, I’m impressed with the enormous strength it takes to learn how to live with the loss. But I know it can be done. People do it all the time. And that in itself is amazing.
Sunday April 15 this will be 61 birthday of my husband George, I lost him 2/23/2006. Was beautiful day on Long Island, just I was so sad…….and I rich for your book, to read again, and help me …. I am not only one who feel like this. In 1987 I watch Dirty Dancing in very short time 17 times, before i got this sentence: ” nobody put baby in the corner”…….I was just to years in USA my English was poor. This is first time I heard about Lisa wife of Patrick Swayze…….You are inspiration for women……today I am reading again ” The Time of my life ” …….. Thank You
HI Lisa, Wow…when l read the line “And all I can think is – how long will this last? How long do I have to live before I die?” l just cried!! Its been 9 years this year since my husband died, he was 47, on the day it happened l spoke to him at 6pm – by 8pm he was no longer here, a blood clot, he would have known nothing about it… but its those that are left behind. I have good days… of course being 9 years down the line, but all time does it let you talk about it without getting upset, on reading your words, l still feel like that sometimes, on the bad days… cos you still get them no matter how long it is… because you love them. Keep up the good days and those wonderful memories. Thinking of you from across the big pond in England! xx
We have a lot of grey days here in Northern Michigan. People have a rather hard time in the middle of winter with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), especially if we can’t afford to ski or to own a snowmobile. That leaves show shoeing which is great if you don’t have breathing problems (I do). Anyway, what I really wanted was to thank you for your rare honesty!! Imagine, there I was trying to suggest things for you to do with dance! Please forgive me my audacity! We know how grief can be indescribable. Our pain is different in that it was our 30 year old son who was killed in a car accident! Sudden. No time to say goodbye. Killed instantly. However, grief is, like you said, an animal all its own and can consume you. I hope and pray that you keep looking forward to new possibilities, you have so many talents! You ARE a brave lady, Lisa! Thanks for sharing with all of us!!
Dear Lisa,
Even though we haven’t met I feel like I know a part of you. After nursing my Dad with the support of my family at home he lost his battle to cancer in 2009. Sorry to say I didn’t have the guts to watch your interview on “Today Tonight” with David Eccleston when it went on air in Australia at the time, but I did watch it today online.
I thank you for being honest and keeping it real and for having the courage to keep going. Unfortunately I know how hard that can be when you are really close to someone and when you have to let go after such a cruel illness. I am still working on all those feelings!!!!!!
You spoke so eloquently and bravely and you really are an inspiration to the folks out there who have also felt that awful pain. I was a bit surprised about some of your visits as I have had some of those from my father in the absolute darkest hours. It made me smile to realise that these experiences are special, very real and healing.
God bless you in all your efforts and I know you will find peace if not happiness again. You deserve so much after all that rain there will be a rainbow just for you.
I am looking forward to getting a copy of your book. I have been a Swayze fan for years and I can happily say I am now a Lisa Niemi fan too!!!!
Thanks again,
Ester
Thank you, Ester. L
Hi Lisa,
I live in the UK & have just finished reading your book. I cried all the way through as I know exactly what you & Patrick went through & how you are suffering now. My darling husband Gerry was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January 2009. He passed away on 27th December 2010 aged 57. We had been together for 21 years.
I am actually comforted to know that I am not the only one who still feels that she is waiting for her husband to come home, that he can’t have gone forever, that I don’t have to be “over it” or “move on” after 18 months of being without him.
I get through the days by acting the part of being ok in the hope that, eventually my act will become reality.
Carol
We do a good job of “acting as if,” huh? I’m glad that you’re giving yourself a break, eighteen months is hardly any time at all when dealing with such a loss. We do things when we’re ready, and not a moment sooner. In the meantime, we do our best to deal with the pain that can engulf us. And like they say – as time goes on, we learn how to manage that pain better. I have some really good days now, and some days, well, they’re as hard as they ever were. I still workin’ on it! L
También siento que algo sucederá, un milagro o despertaré de un mal sueño y mi madre volverá a estar aquí en casa como siempre.
Dear Lisa,
I want to thank you for your sharing of how grief is affecting you. I have read your book “Worth Fighting For” and the last two page of your Epilogue have such deep meaning for me. How the pain is not so much getting better but more manageable. Also, what Kay said, “that you felt safe because he loved you”. I try to remember that my husband (he passed 9/30/11) of Lung cancer, met to the brain) still loves me. Patrick is still with you and my Johnny is still with me. We were together for 36 years. As with you and Patrick, we really were one unit. Peanut Butter and Jelly….now my other half is literally amputated.
Some days I can just sort of get along and then others the pain of loss is overwhelming. God bless you for sharing. It helps all of us bearing the burden of deep grief and loss. If we can share and help each other, perhaps a meaning for life will return.
God bless and thank you, Sharon
Thank you. And hang in there, Sharon. I know it can get rough. My best to you! L
Lisa,
Thank you. You have given me much peace through your writing in “Worth Fighting For”. I felt like we walked in each others shoes. It is beyond belief to try and grasp that our sweethearts are not with us in this world.
God bless you and your strength, Sharon
Hi Lisa, I thought you might like this poem.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the mornings hush
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.
I love this poem. XL
wonderful
consoling
enlightening
just lovely
Hi Lisa,
I loved your books!!!! I read them all in one weekend, locked the doors to my house, sobbed my little heart out for two days straight, then slept the third. It really was the best therapy that a girl could wish for. I now realise that my feelings are normal and others have felt or are feeling my pain. I can never really be alone.
Yay I am not crazy as I am sometimes made to feel – usually the pressure I put on myself to go back to living and being the person I was???? That girl is gone but there is a new and improved me. The heart goes back together but not in the same way.
I take time to enjoy things more and I put down the vacuum cleaner and all the stuff that doesn’t really matter to talk to friends on the phone, dig in the garden, blast some music. I do not turn down invitations to go out I embrace it all and enjoy people more. I am not going to say at the end of my life I wish I got that bit of dust from behind the t.v cabinet!
You captured and expressed it all and put it in a package your book. I now know that when people have truly loved and lost you gain something so much more. A different perspective on what is important, a sensitivity towards others that can only come from experience and the knowledge of how to be there for others and when to stand to the side or back off – depending on what the person needs at the time.
Looking after a loved one with cancer is such a responsibility but it is a privilege and nothing else can say I love you more!