Only a few hours work left! The movers show up early tomorrow.
My mother is moving into a Seniors Living apartment this month, into a space that is less than one-third the size of what she has now. This means she’s had to tackle the difficult process of whittling down the lifetime of “stuff” she has accumulated.
And as I helped her in her last push of packing, we found yet more boxes, and a blue trunk to go through. Oh, no! More! And in these boxes, we found little treasures: her TWA uniform, and cap (she was a stewardess when Howard Hughes first started up the airline), her WW2 Army Cadet grey satchel, and cap with metal army emblem, and our family’s old Christmas stockings that had hung above our fireplace every year while I was growing up.
I'd stare at these stockings for hours and hours when I was a kid, always changing my mind on which one I liked the best.
“Wow,” I marveled, and then hesitantly offered, “I’ll take these if you don’t want them.”
“Take ‘em!” she shoved them towards me as I wondered, what am I going to do with these. Where am I going to put them?? But I can’t leave them…
Many years ago, Patrick and I got into “clearing the clutter” out of our lives, and we went at cleaning out the unnecessary stuff, the things that were crowding and weighing down our lives. And much of what we got rid of was outdated – belonging to old lives, the ones we had already long grown out of. The “clearing the clutter” philosophy is – when you move the old stuff out, you make room for new.
The Army Nurse Cadet cap's emblem.
Patrick went at cleaning out the excess junk with a vengeance. And when I remarked on his dedication, he waved a hand, saying, “I want it all gone.” I was so surprised; usually he was such a pack rat.
I’ve always loved the two question to ask yourself when you’re indecisive about getting rid of something, or not –
DO I LOVE IT? DO I NEED IT?
If you can’t say yes to either question – OUT IT GOES.
And of course, there are always exceptions…
Clearly, I’m not ready to get rid of my husband’s things. I still have all them right where they were when he died (except for the clothes I had to box up and set in the hall when I painted his closet). Two and a half years later, and I still can’t bring myself to do anything with them. And I don’t see myself doing anything with them in the near future either. Can’t I just leave them there? It’s my house, I can do anything I want, right? Unfortunately, the longer I leave them, the more likely they’ll get damaged.
So, I finally made a deal with myself – I will carefully pack up his things, and store them properly for safekeeping. I won’t be getting rid of them; I’ll just be…a good custodian.
And it’s still hard.
And for my mom, it was hard to chuck so many of her lifelong things into the trash. But I have to say, she kept a lot of things, some of them impractical, like – Books. After moving the eighth box of books, I pointed out that it was insane to take them, considering the cost would exceed the value. “I love my books,” she said simply. Fair enough.
Just some of the fabric.
And when we opened the blue trunk we had found hidden upstairs, we discovered– Fabric. Pristine, brand new fabric. Untouched, neatly folded, color intact… “I think I got this one from your grandmother,” she pulled out one remnant.
“What were you going to do with this orange fabric? It looks like it’s from the sixties,” I asked.
“I was going to make a muumuu,” she smiled, and then added, “If there’s something you want, just take it. But not this…this…this…” She pointed out all her “must haves.” And I couldn’t help wondering when she was going to find the time to sew all these things (along with making tablecloths and curtains with the bolts of fabric that had already set aside for the movers).
Another pile of fabric.
My brother, John, who was watching all this, shook his head and quipped, “Why get rid of any of it? You need to keep it all so you can pass it down to the next generation.”
Hah! The family legacy – Fabric! But I understood why my mother wanted to hang on to it. You looked at this stuff, and you couldn’t help but imagine what you could make with it, and the pleasure of creating it, and making it happen. Even if it was only dreaming about it. This fabric was about – possibilities.
Of course I instinctively knew the meaning of raw and untouched fabric. I am my mother’s daughter. And so, I took some of the fabric for myself, including the bright orange, swirl-y print. That muumuu idea sounds like fun.
And I’ll put this fabric in my cupboard. Right next to the silk I bought in Thailand twenty years ago.
wow! When I see this treasure, I tell myself that I would do things with these fabrics! I live in a small town but its carnival is known worldwide: Binche in Belgium. My family is involved in this carnival and it’s me who makes the costumes. All the remnants are preserved in case I need them for other costumes so I know what it is!! Take care of yourself Lisa.
I took 4 big bags of clothes to the local animal shelter tues (and treats too). they have a thrift store where they sell and make money for the pets. it is a no-kill shelter. At first it was hard to get started throwing stuff into the bags. But after about 15 minutes I was feeling so good. I actually think I have enough for another bag. It felt great knowing I was helping the pets and also putting really nice clothes into the thrift store for others to buy for a few bucks. well worth getting rid of that clutter…: )
As soon as I saw the picture of the fabric, I thought, “Gee, I hope she didn’t get rid of that!” lol Glad to see you hung on to at least some of it. Funny thing, I don’t sew at all, but I, too, appreciate a good color pattern, and I would definitely store those away for my “what if I need this” moment! Sigh. I’m sure you can imagine what MY closets look like! (however, I am very proud of my kitchen pantry, which I just organized yesterday, so perhaps there’s still hope…)
Hah!
what a lovely story. Its amazing how much we do keep. We used to live in a 2 bed victorian house, we had heeps of stuff. We moved into a four bed house and everything had a place. Now we have got more stuff and there doesn’t seem to be any room. This year is the de-clutter year for us. So your words of DO I LOVE IT< DO I NEED IT i will use.
I dont think your bad for keeping Patricks clothes in a box and yes putting them away nicely will preserve them longer, I still have my dogs collar and lead (not quiet the same) but i do take it out sometimes and just hold it.
With your fabric make sure you do something with it so that it can be handed down.
Keep well and safe and your mums only a phone call away.
XXXX
Dear Lisa, this is funny – this day I have spend about 6,5 hours only to clean out our closet! We have thrown away so many things and after the work it’s like you have place for a new life! We have decided to clean our house from the ground – all this little places you forget normally, all that crab you put into the drawers just to get them out of your eyes.
But the problem is: Out of the eyes doesn’t mean out of mind. It sounds maybe stupid, but you feel that there is stuff and crab everywhere and it takes energy from you. When I feel weak and uncomfortable I know it’s time to clean up – after that the “flow” is back! And I was surprised how many clothes I possess and still have nothing to wear 🙂
One question stucks in my mind: Was it hard for you mum to take this step? I mean I took the decision to throw away things by myself, but when you need to move into a Seniors Living it is a must to do this. This is really a new life, not only the fresh feeling of life!
Life changes everytime, if we want it or not, but I think changing the outside helps the inside to handle it. It is a good decision to let things go, but I understand that you have things you can’t let go – not yet… Starting with your mothers stuff is maybe like a rehearsal for you: Your garage is still waiting and btw: your shoe closet maybe too 😉
Have fun and inspiration and I wish for you a good, fresh flow of energy after you did clean up!
Tani
BTW: The fabric is wonderful, you should sew something – this fabric wants to live and be seen!
Thanks, Tanja. And I’m with you – don’t know why I can’t find anything to wear in my closet. Think it’s a hint that I have a lot of stuff that I don’t really like, and don’t wear? Hmmm. Guess I’ll have to add to the list (after the garage, and yes, the shoes).
Not that I don’t love my shoes, but now I have to make room for the new ones!
Which woman wouldn’t love shoes? 🙂 Especially Loubous… You should send us a picture of your shoe trunk – I’m sure your shoe trunk looks like a shoe shop! When I think it over: A picture of your shoes maybe would start this ” this and that” syndrome again and would make me cry…. Damn, in my next life I will marry a shoe designer…. 😉
Lol
Question: What is a muumuu? My dictionary has absolutely no idea …. Whatever it is, even the even the word is funny 🙂
It’s a kind of Hawaiian dress. Here’s some google images. You’ll laugh. http://www.google.com/search?q=muumuu+dress&hl=en&client=safari&rls=en&prmd=imvns&source=lnms&tbm=isch&ei=afJHT767OOrdiAKSnvDaDQ&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&ved=0CFUQ_AUoAQ&biw=1296&bih=768
Hey, I would wear this! By reorganizing my dresses I found out that I love flowers on them ( and yes, it fits me! ) I wasn’t aware of that fact – crazy, sometimes you don’t even know your own taste…
She should sew these muumuus and sell them!
Thx for the link!
Another great blog, Lisa! My grandfather has been on a ‘clearing the clutter’ kick the past couple of weeks. Every day that it rains and he can’t work outside in the yard, he cleans out a different closet! However, he more or less just “relocates” (usually putting the stuff in the basement), or “straightens up” the stuff instead of actually getting rid of it. Maybe if I tell him to use the two question philosophy, he will get rid of more! 😉 By the way, don’t rush yourself with Patrick’s things…you will know when you’re ready. And, I like the “good custodian” idea!
Sending tons of best wishes to your mom, wishing her lots of happiness in her new place!!!
As always, much love to you! XX
Hi Lisa,
It’s so funny I have such a problem about getting rid of anything. I think it’s a woman thing!. Keep the fabric, what’s the harm in it? And as for Patrick’s clothes I would keep them, as you say pack most of the things away and maybe keep a couple of pieces of his clothing that has very special to you and keep them next to yours.
Another lovely blog and I hope your mum enjoyes her new home.
Lorna.xx
Lisa;
I know how hard it is to do what you are doing. After I lost my daughter, the Doctor said,”NO DECISIONS”, for at least a year. I did not listen and got rid of most of her clothes. So sorry I did that now. I did keep the nightie she wore before the night of her accident and it is still hanging where she put it. I have a couple of other pieces of her clothing that I still can not bear to part with after 22 years. Some of her collections, one of them being a picture of Patrick. She was such a ‘Dirty Dancing’ fan. When we had to move my Mom into assisted living I took things that she had for years, still can not part with them. So very glad I have kept them, even though I have no one to pass them onto. I’ll let someone else worry about that when the time comes. Keep the things that you don’t think you could bear to not see again, things of Patrick’s and your Mom’s. It’s your life, no one elses. Do what makes you happy, not what others think you should do. After they walk a mile in your shoes maybe they would understand. Blessings & strength to you in the coming weeks & months & years.
Nice to hear what someone else has done. Sometimes I feel like it’s a little crazy that I’ve left all P’s stuff where it is. And the boxes blocking up the rooms…it’s like I don’t even see them anymore! But when I’m ready to pack them properly, I’ll be ready!
No you are not crazy, you lost the love of your life. Take your time in all things you do and be sure it’s what YOU want to do, not what someone else thinks you should do. Thanks for writing your blog, it helps all of us who are huge fans of Patrick & you. Blessing always.
Hace 4 meses de que mi mamá no está a mi lado, sigo viviendo en la misma casa y aún no puedo desprenderme de sus cosas. Diariamente abro su armario y lo huelo, por ahora conserva su perfume, abrazo su ropa y de algún modo siento que alguna parte de ella está a mi lado. La extraño mucho.
What a wonderful find for you and your mom. As for Patrick’s things it took me quite a long time to put them away for safekeeping also. For the clothes what his brothers couldn’t wear I put in space bags. They are wonderous bags and create lots of room. I would go into Greg’s closet when I felt like I needed to hug him. They still had his cologne smell and I loved it. It always helped to feel he was giving me a hug right back.
I also know what it is like to move Mom into Senior living. My brother was a big help helping her get rid of a lot of the clutter and years of hoarding that she had for 3 kids. He is a maniac when it comes to clearing out everything. He helped me also. Sometimes its best not to know everything we still have and just give it over to someone else to clean out. My mom would never have let go of half the stuff she did if she went thru everything. Of course we have moved her 4 different times since she gave up her house to my sister and decided to go into a apt and a lot of the stuff dwindled over each move. But to keep the things like your moms TWA uniform (TWA was my first airline flight. ) and Army Nurses cap. that is all history and should be kept. . Thanks for sharing your life with us out here Lisa. I love reading your blogs.
Wow Lisa! Another great blog! Thank you so much.!
I just read your tweet where you say that your mom is over the moon about moving and you’re not. That’s understandable.! Things like that are never easy. I hope your mother will be happy in her new home.
Lovely fabrics…! I just showed the pics of the fabrics to my mom and she said: Nice…there is a lot you can make with it! My mother has a lot and I mean a lot of fabrics too….and she still buys new ones….!
And the stockings… I just love them!! Which one do you like best now??
I understand you’re not ready to get rid of Patrick’s stuff.. That is very hard and the deal you made with yourself sounds good….take the time for it.
And thank you for the two questions to ask yourself when you’re indecisive about getting rid of something, or not ! I had never heard of them before but now I’ll never forget them. I am not good at throwing away stuff I no longer need….I always think: I might need it again someday…or maybe I’ll wear it again someday…knowing that’s not true. So next time I’ll think of the 2 questions! And like you, I have things I won’t get rid off…I have some clothes of my aunt that I don’t wear but they still have her smell…so I don’t want to wear them and I sure don’t want to get rid of them… But that’s ok….
Again, thank you. I love reading your blogs…you are an inspirational woman! 🙂
Xx
Ineke
A tip for clothes with a smell you love – store it in a plastic ziplock baggy. I’ve done this with several things.
Thank you so much! 🙂
I love this. It brings back so many memories. I remembered that tall straw bin in your New York apartment filled with fabric. I still have my wedding veil you gave me in my cedar chest. I started taking stuff out of that chest I got tired at the idea of making decisions about what to weed and put it back. I think a lot of not getting rid of stuff is going through all of those things with the memories and having to live through them for good or ill. I’m scanning family photos now and started making a dvd for the family with a soundtrack of music associated with those times in our lives. I was clicking through a slide viewer at some pictures my grandfather took of my high school graduation. And then I remembered clicking through a slide viewer looking with you in New York looking at slides of your wedding. Somehow these trips through the stuff seem to collapse time, don’t they? Love you!
Wow.I have a vague memory of that veil! I’d forgotten about it until you mentioned it! Whoosh!
¡Gracias!
Yes, we do get attached to the most crazy ‘things’. My son was almost 9 years old before I could bear to get rid of his baby clothes. I suppose to begin with I thought I would need them for the next baby, but it became apparent that wasnt going to happen!! so I had to face up to that fact and let go of them. I did keep a couple of items and have a sneaky look at them now and again. So don’t be too hasty in putting away Patricks things, would be my advice what harm are they doing. In fact they could be doing you a lot of good. 🙂
Kate from Ireland
My daughter is 22 and I still have ALL of her baby stuff up in the attic. I also saved them thinking that I would have more children..when I realized I wouldn’t I just couldn’t bear to get rid of anything. My niece is pregnant now & I finally feel ready to get up there & sort through everything. I know this won’t be an easy or quick process but I feel I am ready.. The time is right…..for me to do it. Lisa I agree, don’t move Patrick’s stuff if YOU don’t want to. That is a very personal decision that you and only you can make. You are always in my thoughts and prayers xoxo.
Clearing out clutter isn’t what it’s all about. It’s about the memories that the object conjures up. I am glad you still have Patrick’s things. 34 years is a long time to be together; it’ll take a while before you’ll want to let go of some of those precious items. By the way, I agree with Tani – you should share a picture of your shoe trunk. I love those red boots! Hope your mom enjoys her new home, and you know she’ll just collect new “stuff”!
Ingrid
Hard to take a photo of my shoes, they’re all spread out in different places! You wouldn’t get the full impact. And actually, my collection is very modest compare to some people I know (like the woman who gave me the red boots!).
They have no home? Poor shoes…. 🙂
And btw: it’s a matter of opinion to call your shoes modest – call them vintage! That sounds better and underscores that you are in fashion but luckily not a victim of it! It’s only a game – you make the rules 😉
Tani
Like your philosophy!
Dito!
Dear Lisa ,
what beautiful memories you have!All of those things it seems so fantastic to me….Sometimes it is very hard to rid which we don´t need isn´t it?
And it´s very curious sensation to think about that people we love is dying and the things are remaining there as a legacy for a new generation of the family,,,
Sometimes it could be very depressing but at the same time very energizing , i think….
I hope your mum will be happy in her new apartment Lisa….Please, don´t be sad…
And the muuumu dress it´´s so nice…..
My respect and love to you
Hello i’m new to this twitter malarkey but I just wanted to say how much I enjoy reading ur blogs.and how much I enjoyed reading ur book worth fighting for x X kelly from england
Welcome to social networking, Kelly.
I swore I’d never tweet. Have a website, yes, but never a tweet.
Never say never!
Thank you for ur reply. I bought the time of my life when it was released, but as of yet I have been unable to read it, for reasons unknown to me and then I came across ur book and I just had to read it, in fact I read it within two days as I couldn’t put it down. Thank you for sharing yours and patricks journey, it touched my heart and I couldn’t get it out of my head for weeks, and still haven’t . All I need to do now is wait for the right time to read time of my life whenever my heart will let me. X X
Hi Lisa,
Another great blog I can relate too. My mom will be gone 18 years in May. I still have some of her clothes hanging in my closet. I still have her checkbook. I just cannot let go. I kept her checkbook because I like to see her writing, there are also items she bought me. I kept clothes that she wore all the time, and when I see these items I remember how beautiful she was. Your right it is your house and you can do whatever you want with Patrick’s belongings, and never let anyone tell you different. Looking forward to the next blog:) Pam
Hi Lisa
Wow what treasures and memories you must be findiing in clearing your Moms things to help her downsize,where your Mom is moving to is it simlar to a home where there is always help on hand if needed?
As over here in England we have homes with support care, its like a small flat with kitchen,bathroom, bedroom and living room, but has carers who check in on you around 3 times a day.
These carers help with household chores and with preparing meals if the person needs, also with bathing if support is needed. Really its support to help the person in anyway needed, although my Gran used the support mainly for company cup of tea and chat as she was very healthy and independant hardly needed help just needed to know there was always a warden to call if she ever needed help day or night.
It took me a very long time to clear my late husbands things, and even though I have new life and family there are still some special things I never parted with, because this person was part of my very happy past I should not have to shut that away because I have moved on,and there are so many special memories I hold in my heart.
So Lisa you will never clear out everything and why should you these are part of your wonderful life, and if anything you may add something as I did,I added a CD only because it meant something special to us both, but I put it in” my memories of you” box as that is where my special items went, which once in a while I look through, its how I feel I can move forward as this was a wonderful marriage with ups and downs as normal so why cut it out of my life there was nothing bad, so I have my memories box and it helps me to carry on and it will throughout the future as he’s still deep in my heart( his smile and laugh and cheeky jokes)
So sorry to have waffled on again Lisa, your blogs seem to make me want to share with you
God bless take care lots of love Julie xxxx
Sounds like your mom’s mind is still stable. That’s a miracle in itself!! Watch out, those “retirement homes” are like a “Peyton Place”!! There are absolutely no dull moments in those places! My brother, sister-in law and I had to take away my dad’s keys and force them to move 2 yrs ago. That was absolutely the worst time of my life. My Mom had Alzheimer’s and Dad has Dementia. I had to sell their home in Humble and get rid of all their stuff. Mom had a stroke within a few days of us moving her. When any of us walked into the hospital room, she would not acknowledge us at all. Wow,,that hurt! She died a year later. Dad’s still at the retirement home, going on two years and living it up. They have so many activities for the tenants.
Hope your mom enjoys her new digs as well. Good luck and keep us informed on how it goes…
I lost my husband 4/30/09 of heart problems we didn’t know he had. It was quite sudden and I believe most widows have a form of PTSD afterwards. I have not moved a lot of things that Mike touched last, where it is practical. His clothes hang in our closet the way he left them. I imagine someday I will move them, not get rid of them as has been suggested. A few things to friends maybe…i used to worry about this, but not anymore. My grief, my time, my way. It is a terrible loss no matter how long it takes. Blessings to you.
Yes, I think there is some PTS involved after a terrible loss. How could there not be? It takes so much to process something that is beyond our emotional and mental endurance, so part of us has to shut down, and close off. Even though it was painful at times, I think writing my book was very helpful to me (luckily, I also had a few good laughs while I was writing it).
And I’m with you… Takin’ my time with the clothes. I may store them better, but they ain’t going anywhere right now. I want them here.
Good decision Lisa, wish I had not done what I did. But I didn’t have anyone around who had went through what I did so I got no advice. Can’t go back but I can try to help others who are going through this. If you keep all of Patrick’s things forever it would not be wrong. You do what is comfortable for you, but before you do, make sure you ask yourslef several times if it is what you really want to do. Blessings to you !
YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET RID OF PATRICK’S THINGS EVER. THE SAYINGS AROUND LETING GO OF THINGS AND BELONGINGS ARE JUST SAYINGS – MAN MADE SAYINGS. YOU MAKE YOUR OWN RULES BASED ON YOUR OWN FEELINGS, AND WHAT’S TRUE TO YOU. DON’T LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION AND YOUR TRUTH.
Hi Lisa,
I too, just got my mother in an assisted living home. I lost my dad a couple of years ago and it was so difficult to get rid of his things and there are some of his things I haven’t been able to part with and felt guilty for keeping them, but not anymore… I love them. Such good advise. Thank you.
I was having a bad day today and happened on your blog. I lost my mother 3 years ago and I miss her terribly. I didn’t want to get rid of her clothes. I couldn’t. I talked with my sister in law and she told me what she did with her mom’s clothes. She made a quilt out of the clothes that were so familiar to her. She says that she feels like her mom’s arms are around her when she wraps the quilt around her. I realized I could do that. I know it was so hard for you to lose Patrick. I think of you often especially when i watch his movies.
Greetings! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now
and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Austin Tx!
Just wanted to mention keep up the fantastic job!
Yee haw, Texan!