Houston to LA. Sunday, January 8, 2012
It seems when good things happen, there’s something else that’s taken away. I don’t know about you, but life seems to have appointed me a personal guardian, an overseer that makes sure my life doesn’t get too much one way, or the other. It’s going to make damn sure it stays in balance.
It also makes sure I don’t get too big a head, throwing me little curve balls like – I have a fantastic trip where I’m treated like royalty and made to feel really important, only to arrive back home and within twenty minutes, one of my dogs has diarrhea. Not just diarrhea, but a bowel evacuation of such epic proportions that it trails from one end of the house to the other. And as I’m scrubbing poop out of the carpet at two o’clock in the morning, I can’t help but look upward, and ask, “Why? Why?”
Also, I was damed at Our Lady of the Angels in Los Angeles (yes, the title dame!) back in July, and twenty-four hours later, I was laboring on a caretaker’s house in New Mexico, pounding nails into a concrete wall. A concrete wall. And I had to wonder –
How did it come to this?
I’m a “just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water” type of person, and it was only just recently that I decided that I should just roll with it. This is my lot in life, I thought. Sometimes I even find myself getting nervous if something really good has happened to me, looking over my shoulder for what might be coming next, because while this ‘give with one hand, and taking with the other’ can explain all the unexplainable in life, there are times it can be painful.
Although I say I don’t, I think I do go through life looking for signs. And I know I was literally seeing signs in New York as I started my book tour. It was the word GHOST whizzing past me every few seconds! They were ads affixed to the top of taxicabs because the musical GHOST was opening on Broadway. It was like these signs were a message from Patrick (and yeah, I guess sometimes I have to be hit over the head to get it), making sure that I knew that he was there with me, every step of the way. It was so eerie, so fantastic, and so joyful to see those signs everywhere. I felt he was clearly reminding me of his presence in my life, and heart. It made me smile.
And then, the second day, I got a call… My cat is missing. My brother let her out the door in LA, and she hasn’t come back. She hasn’t come back for six days now. And I’ve been dreading the thought of returning home to an empty house without her.
Possum (that’s her name) is the most incredible cat. And while I try to be diplomatic, and love all my animals equally, Possum has been my favorite feline. I’m crazy about her. She is endlessly inquisitive and adventurous, has a cranky-sounding meow, and she loves me. She takes shoes out of my closet and brings them to me as her prey gifts. And she waits for me to start waking up in the morning so she can spend those first minutes sitting heavily on top of me (and my bladder), purring, and touching my face with her paw. Ah! It’s going to be hard to go home.
One step forward, and one step back… There are positive things happening in my life, but also, at this moment, I’m feeling that it’s unfair for Possum to be taken away from me. I realize it’s probably not life’s “chaperone” that’s come to level me once again, though. She was an older cat. Sixteen years old, in fact. And I remind myself that she got to live a long and full life. I try to remember that with all my animals because, at some point, I’m going to lose them – I should be happy they had a good life.
But still, I will go home, and be alone without her.
Via Con Dios, my darling, darling Possum.
I hope possum comes home soon lisa xxx
I hope your kitty comes back. I have a dog and my dog is like my child. I can’t imagine losing him. I would be devastated. *crosses fingers for you*
Lisa, don’t give up hope about Possum turning up. She may just be waiting for you to come home, and right now she’s having a little adventure. Cats have been known to disappear for weeks or even months and they can find their way home. xo
Lisa,
I am sorry to hear about your cat I hope Possum finds her way home. I think we all have had our fun cleaning diarrea in the middle of the night:) I know Patrick is watching over you. I think about your Barbara Walters special sometimes and I remember Patrick saying she will be fine. You are inspiring so many people and telling your stories and sharing your memories are all apart of the healing process. When I lost my mom I felt this strange void, I still do to this day. Life goes on and talking about her is the best thing I can do because she will always be alive in my heart and mind, just like Patrick is for you:)
Oh I am so, so sorry about Possum! What a special face. 🙁 We can always still hope for the best, cats are still cats and can do amazing things sometimes. I will keep thinking good thoughts that she comes back home.
This is your ‘new normal’, I think. I, too, am always looking for the other shoe to drop. I think we’d be crazy (and in denial) if we didn’t. It pushes me to do more, in a way, because I know it might all be over tomorrow.
Tim and I call it ‘playing on the tracks’. Playing, because we try to have the best time we can and live every moment… but we both know the train is always coming. Don’t know when it will get here, or exactly what it will bring, but it’s always coming, somewhere, at some time. Our old license plate said “DUITNOW”, and we still try to. I think being widowed does that to a lot of us.
Sending hugs, Lisa, and best wishes for Possum’s return, or at least the hope that some kind person took her in. Animals are so hugely important, but even when we’ve given them a good life, it still sucks to lose them. xoxo Diana
‘Playing on the tracks.’ I love that! What a great way to remind yourself. And it IS important to remember. We don’t have anything, or anyone forever! DUITNOW!
Sorry to hear about Possum. I have a cat that sounds just like her. Her name is Jazzie and I would be lost without her. Maybe Possum is just waiting for you to come home and then she’ll be back…think positive thoughts…
She was an older cat, and I’m afraid she has gone. It’s the price you pay for having them, and loving them. Also, one of my dogs is getting older, and slowing down, and I’ve been starting to worry about him. I remind myself that I need to be a big girl if I’m going to have them in my life. Breathe!
The good news is that I’ve felt my husband so near to me this past week. And that has made me happy, and proud.
I am so sorry about your kitty. They are extraordinary creatures, aren’t they? I hope your sweet Possum can be found safe and sound, but if not, I hope the sweet baby did not suffer.
I am sure there is a reason she left. Maybe she knew how bad you would feel if she passed on. Animals are very good at reading us. God wiill not throw you anything you can’t handle. Just remember you have your family, friends and fans. I have been a loyal fan of Patrick’s since I first saw Dirty Dancing when I was 4. I have wanted to always learn how to dance like that. That was almost 20 yrs ago. I am so happy that you shared him with us. You are such an inspiration. And I hope I can learn to be a strong woman like you. Thank you and God Bless.
Dear Lisa,
I am sorry to hear Possum is missing! There is almost nothing worse than coming home to an empty house where usually a pet would be waiting…
But maybe she just waited around long enough for you to get your new life started and, with your book tour underway, decided that now was the time you could cope without her ?!
Animals are so sensitive, sometimes I think they know more about us than we do ourselves.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that I care!
Annette
Dear Lisa, i´m so sorry for your cat…. It must be painful for you… i love animals so much and always is hard to me when i lose them so i understand your feellings….
No doubt that Patrick is still with you and he´s watching over you .I know that you miss him and hurts it.Believe me that i pray for you and for him every day….
Big hugs to you and to all your animals
ho! j hope that your kitten may be going home she had a concern and that he was a good person bring relief?? j I keep my pussy Swarzy first 17 years!! c was a love of tom j that have adopted three other cats I always think of him …..
Dear Lisa,
want to tell you that I`m so very sad (tears rolled over my face) to hear from you that your cat is missing!!
I can imagine exactly how you must feel!! I`m hoping so much that your cat will return to you … !! I`m feeling exactly like you in so many ways… sometimes very good in life happens… and then only a short time later … very bad happens…sometimes when very good things happen I am already angry that perhaps something bad might happen… perhaps this is for some reason that we can`t find out right now… but I also I had found out that there is someone who is really taking care of our life…so that we can go through all periods of our lifes and keep strong… and never ever give up our dreams!! Lisa … you are such a wonderfol, beautiful and strong lady!! Can`t thank you enough for sharing all the details and photos with us… I`m sure that Patrick is so very proud of you… and yes Lisa… I`m sure that he sends you all the signs you see everywhere !!! He is with you with every step you do… and he is so very proud of you.. !! Lisa… he loves you … and this will never stop!! Please take good care of you and god bless you… Sending you my Love Regine
I’m with you all the way Lisa! I believe so much in signs, having lost both my parents, dad the most recently to PC (January 6th 2010) and on the anniversary of his passing, as ever, I asked for a sign that he was with us. I waited all day and by late afternoon was getting upset. As I brought my washing in…for the UK it was a gorgeous afternoon…a robin flew onto the bushes and as I was about to thank him, another one joined it! There was my sign, both mum and dad had sent these angel messengers for us. I laughed and cried all at once.
As for life throwing crap at you in amongst the good things, yep, too true! The minute things start going right I, like you, wonder where things will start going wrong…again!
Hope Possum returns in one piece. I know I’d be heartbroken should anything happen to my lovely 10 year old cat, Phoebe or my little dogs Daisy and Poppy! xxx
What you share about the robins is so beautiful! Thank you.
Dear Lisa,
I’m sorry for your cat, we are so close to our animals that their disappearance is very painful! I even lost my cat a can like you, it goes back to years ago but she left like that too, one day it is not returned from his trip.
My mom has told me she loved me too much time to die at my side. This does not really comforted me! And after the loss of a loved one that has often hang our animals. One of my aunt carried the same struggle that you went with my uncle and are starting up, I admire you, her and everyone who are there to be expensive. Sincerely, Anne. http://choupi89140.skyrock.com/
Dear Lisa, I`m so sad to hear that your cat Possum is missing…! Sometimes the life isn`t fair… but please never forget dear Lisa… Possum will always be with you in your heart… and he is so thankful for all the good time he had with you …!! Lisa you are such a wonderful, beautiful and caring lady..!! I`m so happy to hear that you have received signs from Patrick when you were in New York.. and Lisa , you can be sure.. he is with you and with ervery step you do he is at your side!! And he is smiling, he is so very proud that you never ever give up and make your way through life !!
I`m sending you my Love and a big big hug… Please take good care of you … you mean a lot to me … you are so very special !!
Greetings from Regine
Dear Lisa
Very sad to hear, that your beloved cat Possum is missing! 🙁 Not to know whether she is still alive or not is hard to bear, mainly because she is your very special one. But don’t you think there is still a spark of hope that she will return to you? I hope it very firmly and remain in good thoughts.
Concerning the signs you got in New York, especially the one “GHOST whizzing past you”, there is something else “magical” about it: I remember a scene in GHOST, where Sam and Molly are sitting in bed, Sam looking very musing. Molly asks what is bothering him and Sam answers that he is afraid, because whenever things are running positive in his life and he is happy, something bad is going to happen. It’s very similar to what you are going through this moment… This seems something like magic to me… I have no doubt that Patrick is with you every single second, wherever you are, as your guardian angel. And he will always be!
I DO go through life looking for signs and I’m really happy to get them again and again. They just make me feel better. To know, what we can see with our eyes isn’t all that exists, to get such signs proving that there is more, gives me a kind of security.
Love and hugs from Switzerland
Nicole
Well, Good Morning Lisa – This surely was not what I wanted to read today as I was looking to see how your adventure was going with the book tour.
My heart is broken for you – pets are truly family members, any way you slice it. They are a life long commitment and sometimes, well the majority of the time, their unconditional love keeps us feeling positive. I’ve heard that sometimes animals know when it’s “their time” and will often go away to a quiet place to let go. Not that I’m wishing that on your sweet kitty, but I suppose I’d rather have it be that scenario as opposed to the others dancing through my mind.
I want to thank you for continuing to keep PC in the forefront with the media. I have a heck of a time getting the press we need for our events here in Cleveland, Ohio – but I’m getting better. I will be attending my first leadership training in Chicago in March, as I am the newest member of the Cleveland Team as Media Representative. I had no plans of becoming this involved when my beloved Edward was diagnosed, but once PC enters your life – the overwhelming desire to fight the monster cannot be silenced. For the first three months after he passed, I didn’t want to fight anymore – I was exhausted from our 17 month battle. But I’ve since found my way back to the fight and the passion has returned to make a difference.
I am continually amazed at the lack of funding for this disease, and I will fight as long as I am able. Sweet men, like your Patrick, my Edward, Randy Pausch, Cleveland’s very own Casey Coleman and even the not so sweet, but world changing Steve Jobs… These men, and so many other men & woman, need to be fought for.
Hopefully, one day we will connect at a Pancreatic Cancer Action Network event – because more than anything, I’d just like to give you a hug. And, I’m not a hugger – drives my family crazy.
Praying for your peace when you return home and also praying that your sweet cat is just on an adventure and will find her way back to you. However, if she doesn’t, maybe she just needed to go see Patrick.
With deepest Respect,
MaryKaye
Thank you for joining in the fight! As you well know, it’s up to us – the family and loved ones to do our best to vanquish this disease. And we will!
Possom is gorgeous! I really hope she returns soon, it’s hard when you don’t know where they are. I like that you got signs from Patrick on the taxi cabs, he’s always with you, by your side 🙂
Oh no! So sorry to hear about your sweet Possum, Lisa! I pray that she comes back soon. My mom has a cat that sounds just like her-adventurous, sleeps with her every night, and wakes her up by sitting on her and purring. As a matter of fact, when my mom read this blog, she said “That sounds just like Oscar!” Oscar also tends to temporarily disappear if my mom goes out of town–no matter how long she is gone, Oscar is gone for that same amount of time. He shows back up when she returns!
WOW! Sounds like Patrick was definitely sending you signs in NYC, reminding you that he is with you every step you take. And, always will be. 🙂
PS. Speaking of my mom, she absolutely adores you and Patrick! She, along with my aunt and uncle, met Patrick during the fliming of Dirty Dancing in our hometown in NC. They were eating dinner at the Lake Lure Inn and Patrick walked in to eat (yes, my mom and aunt chose to eat there hoping to catch a glimpse of this gorgeous man that stole their hearts playing Orry Main in North & South). My mom and aunt were too scared to ask him for an autograph (they were WAY starstruck). So… my uncle, who doesn’t meet a stranger, asked him. Patrick was SO nice to them and signed everyone autographs (on the back of old receipts my uncle had in his billfold). 26 years later…they still have them-in a frame-and will treasure them forever!
Hope Possum comes home Lisa. My cat on a couple of occasions has wondered off for a few days and got us worried, but always ended up coming home. You never know Possum may have found a man friend!
Thinking of you as always.
Keep doing What you doing Lisa.. Being strong, inspirational and a amazing role model
Xxx
Hello Lisa ,
So sorry to hear about your sweet Cat and and hope Possom finds healthy again back home.
very sweet Cat 🙂 over the fingers cross. we have also a cat she is 6 years old.
their name is Kira it is also very playful and curious. here is a photo from Kira .
http://i299.photobucket.com/albums/mm294/DancingDragon_album/kira3-1.jpg
I believe also Patrick with you each day is your protection Angel 🙂
Sorry for my not so good English.
Love and Light
Simone
I’m sorry to hear that you lost your cat, but keep the hope it may come back … Like you, I can not have children so my cat is like my child. Her name is Twister, and doing very well named : she do silly things, sometimes can have a bad temper, but can also be very affectionate when she wants, and we love her. My friends and family speak of their children, I talk about my cat : she’s a part of our lives and our family, and it would be difficult for us if we lost her…. so I can understand you.
Lisa,
I’m so sorry that you lost your cat Possum. It’s been a few years since I lost my dog Gypsy, but I still really miss him. To me, pets are members of the family, and really hard to lose. It’s unfortunate that animals have such a shorter life span than people.
I’m really glad that you feel that Patrick is staying close to you. That certainly confirms my belief that you and Patrick were so close as a couple that your spirits are intertwined like two trees that grow together. One doesn’t stray too far from the other.
Sorry to hear about Possum!!! Maybe she will come back. We had a cat that was gone for months – it may have even been close to a year…and one day I walked out into the sunroom and there she was. I thought I was seeing things! It was so strange.
Possum is a beautiful cat….sounds like she’s got an awesome personality!!! The little buggers sure do know how to steal our hearts, don’t they?
The ‘ghost’ signs you kept seeing in NY is so cool!!!! I think that was definitely a sign!!! I’m sure Patrick is never far from you!
I notice signs like that too, well…not from Patrick of course…lol But there are signs all around us that we’re being kept in good hands!!!
Keep your chin up, Lisa!!! 🙂
Dear Lisa,
I sure hope Possum returns. It’s been known to happen, but if the worst has happened, she’s with Patrick and will watch over you with him. I am confident of that. Still, I know all too well that sadness of losing a pet you love. I’ve been there and done that so many times. My pets are my babies and each time they pass on to Rainbow Bridge, I’m consumed with sadness. But, I remember the joy and love they brought me, unconditional and complete love, and that always brings me comfort.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
En Argentina solemos pegar afiches cuando nuestros animales se pierden. También hay rpogramas de tv que ayudan a difundir sus fotos. Quizas usted pueda hacer eso y Posssum aparesca.
Oh Lisa, sorry your return from Houston was so disappointing by missing a loved pet! Hope she returns quickly! And hope you return to the big H quickly also. Read you book the very next day and absolutely could not put it down!! I do wish I had gone ahead and asked questions I thought would be answered in the book and wasn’t. By meeting you in person, was taking the next to the last item off my “bucket list”. Thanks so much! You are lovelier in person than on screen…..didn’t think that was possible.
Hi Lisa
I’m so sorry to hear about Possum. My favorite of my family’s cats, Scout, got out last month and hasn’t returned 🙁 I could list all of the adorable things I’ll miss, but that would just make me sad!
In addition to both losing our cats recently, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pc in november 2008. Even before she had gotten sick, she had checked up on Patrick every now and then to see how he was doing. But after her diagnosis, she checked the news about him daily. He was her cancer partner, I guess! I remember watching every episode of Beast with her that winter! She died 5 days after Patrick. She never learned that he had passed away, but I hope wherever they are, that they’ve had some chats!
I’ll always have a feeling of comfort when I think of you and Patrick. My mom really clung to him I think. And you were experiencing the ugliness of pancreatic cancer the same time my family was.
I pray for peace and happiness for you!
Casey
Mrs Swayze,
I wanted to thank you for writing such a wonderful book, Worth Fighting For. My Dad passed away in October 2010. He and my Mom were married 25 years. Your book finally gave me some insight in to how my Mom must have been feeling during his year long battle with cancer. I cried through the first three chapters because my heart broke for her all over again. She did such a great job of being strong for us kids and for my Dad. Their marriage was incredible. Like yours with Patrick, it wasn’t always perfect, far from it some times, but they worked through it and always found their way back to each other. I pray that one day I can find a love like theirs.
Dad never talked much with me about his fears, but from little things that my Mom said I knew that his biggest fear was having to leave her. Even as I’m writing this my eyes are welling up with tears. It shames me because I didn’t realize just how much they loved each other until Dad received his diagnosis. He fought so hard and for a while we all really thought he was going to beat it. He never gave up hope and neither did we. Mom was always there by his side. His second biggest fear was dying in a hospital around strangers. Mom promised him she would always be there to take care of him and she followed through on this promise. He died peacefully at home. She took care of him from the beginning to the end. She joked that she hoped he found someone in heaven to find his socks and underwear for him since he never seemed to be able to do that for himself while he was alive!
Anyway, I really just wanted to thank you for providing me with such wonderful insight. I gained a whole new respect for my Mom. I only wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I had been there more to help her. She just always seemed like everything was under control and I didn’t realize she was actually super woman. I downloaded your book on my Kindle. I really want my Mom to read it so I’m going to go out and buy her a copy and give it to her this weekend. I am hoping that reading it will help her cope and realize that their is hope in moving forward. So, again, from the bottom of my still-mending heart, THANK YOU! I wish you the best in all you do. You are an amazing woman and Patrick seemed like such a wonderful man. Thank you for sharing your story and your journey and allowing us outsiders a little insight into your lives. And again, thank you so much for allowing me to gain a bit of understanding at what my Mom went through in taking care of my Dad. Thank you. By the way, my parents are Bill and Debbie Smith! They were married 12/11/1986! Just in case you were wondering!! God Bless!
Thank you for sharing this, Desiree. It moved me to tears. Best to you and your mom.
Dear Lisa, I bought your book but don’t know yet if I will ever be able to read it. January 8th was the first anniversary of my husband’s death at 58 from a sudden massive heart attack. One of my widow friends said it very well: this death thing is a wilderness. Thank you for knowing how it feels, and for sharing it.
I know what you mean about maybe not feeling ready to read it. I have some widow friends that have skimmed the book here, and there (they eventually just sat down and read it!). But I was concerned about what pain it might bring up for them. “Take your time!” I told them, and I say the same thing to you. In the meantime, just know – you are not alone.
I just posted on the Ghost post about my husband and I fighting cancerso my story is there.
As I read your posts I can’t believe some of the cool stuff you are writing…..whew,it is like like someone knowing my heart. When you were talking about feeling like for every good thing that happens you feel like there is going to be a pay back. That is what it is like everyday with this cancer fight.. cancer treatment is so cunning goodnewsokaynewsbadnewsicanlivewithisnewsgoodnewsbadnewsgoodnewsbadnewsokaynewsohshitnewsnonews it is endless and exhausting. Even the joy is exhausting because you want so much of it and you want to swallow it all at once. I have not read your or Patrick’s books but I will…for now it’s enough to read your blogs. Thank you.
Love to you…
Hi Lisa,
I have just finished your book… God bless you and Patrick .. it was tough reading at times and I wondered where ever you got your strength from .. I have always liked to think I am strong enough to face whatever horrors, but reading your words an your feelings coming through so clear.. I tried to put myself in your shoes.. and ohmy I got such a shock when I found myself shaking my head thinking I would never be able to find the reserves that you found.
Its so easy to see why you and your buddy where soul mates.. and it is easy to know why I have always admired you both as a couple.. I decided when I was 15 I wanted a marriage as strong as yours..
Thankyou for sharing so much of your personal life, thoughts and feelings and of course sharing your husband with the world .. if only there where more men like your buddy and more women like you!!
much respect ..
and i hope your cat turns up very soon… xxx
You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
How lovely.
Lisa. I have just read your book for the second time. I felt moved to write to you. Your book has transported me to a time that I had thought I had put aside. My husband, Thom, was diagnosed with pc in Aug 2009, and passed away 8 months later three days after his 47th birthday. Your book is a real insight into the struggles and the courage it takes to be a caregiver to the person you love the most. All the times you watch them with blinding fear and yet to be the advocate for them. Thom went thru so many of the same things your husband did, and did so with dignity and grace as well. Never complaining, never asking why me. Thom always said why not me. I am 52 now, and as I approach the second anniversary of his death I am still struggling with the financial paperwork as well as the emotional issues. I believe the first year I was just to shell shocked to realize the impact of him being gone, now as we enter the second year of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, the loss is easier to see and to feel. In my case, I have two sons, one that was 16 the other just 21 at the time of their fathers death. Not boys, but not yet men. I find that I am more likely to say I am ok to keep them in balance, rather than let them know just how painful the loss is. So when your book came out, I got it on my Kindle, and have told them as well as my closest friends , if you want an insight into what my life was like, what it is now, read this book. I’m not famous, just one of many destroyed by this disease. But thank god you are. Because its going to take someone famous to step out of the shadows of grief, tell their story, and bring attention to this horrible killer. I know what kind of courage it takes to tell your story, to let people know that you are just not ok yet, that it may never be ok again, takes. I am so very grateful to you. Thank you Lisa, for your strength, your commttment. All of us that have been touched by this disease have a story to tell, and you have told it for us, with grace and love.
Brenda, “I’m not famous, just one of many destroyed by this disease.” – These words completely break my heart. I truly hope that you are not “destroyed” because then I feel lik PC has won… We cannot have that! I too am adjusting to life without that one absolute right partner – and as I walk the road of healing, I have to know that being destroyed by PC would be letting down my sweet Edward and all the others we fight for.
Finding a new normal is a term I have borrowed from a reader of my blog – I pray you will continue on your journey to find your new normal – even though it will not be the same and things may never again be as bright and shiney as they once were.
Sounds like all of our men fought the good fight, were brave, admirable and optimisitic till the end – that is worth honering and fighting for.
God Bless. MK