I just finished the bulk of press for “Worth Fighting For”, and I am in the process of spiraling back down to earth. Back to my “real” life, as I call it. Exhausted, and nervous. Since I lost my husband, when I return home from being out of town, I experience what I’ve come to call “Re-entry Anxiety.” Re-entry anxiety is painful. It’s like the heat shields burn off my little space capsule as it re-enters the atmosphere. Scorching me, and fizzing my hair before it dumps me into a cold, vast, and lonely ocean. It’s not something I look forward to. But I have learned how to hold on as it “shakes me in.”
A woman who lost her loved one commented that her life has felt like a rollercoaster. That’s what mine feels like, too! And lately, it seems as if time has been even more compressed, making the ups and downs quicker, and more dizzying – I’m happy! I’m sad. I’m brave! I’m afraid. In bliss! And the next moment, depressed how nothing’s changed. It’s crazy. I never know from one moment to the next how I’m going to feel. And sometimes, like in yoga class this morning – I feel them all at the same time.
And so this is my first day back on Planet Rancho Bizarro (Rancho Bizarro is my LA ranch’s name), and I’ve decided it’s okay to have a rough day, and not judge myself for not being more proactive and positive. There’s a saying in the Al-Anon twelve step program that I’ve found to be good solid advice, it’s –
H A L T
Don’t get upset, make decisions, get in arguments, judge others, or yourself, when you are
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
And while I’m not hungry because I just ate a late breakfast, and I’m not really angry about anything, I am lonely, and I am very tired. So, I am white-flagging myself today. And I’m just going to ride this one in.
Got my “leave a comment” feature back up and working again!
Lisa, even though you are lonely, you are not alone. I know we can’t help much, but all of us are here for you–supporting you and hopefully making you smile a little (I know sometimes smiling seems impossible). I pray every night that you will continue to be strong and continue putting “one foot in front of the other”…even on your darkest days. Hang in there and ride that rollercoaster, girl! We, (along with “your Buddy”), are right by your side! As always, much love to you!
PS. I posted this on your facebook page, but now that the comment feature is back up and working, I thought I would post it here as well! Hope you don’t mind. 🙂
I really appreciate what you say, Lindsay. And I hope I’m giving as good as I’m gettin’.
You definitely are to us, Lisa! Thank you for letting us in on your life. We’re here for you! Keep smilin’! 🙂
Hello Lisa,
Thank you for your great Work on your Blog and Webside.
I like your Book so much 🙂
big embrace and respect
Simone
Lisa thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.I hope that all the comments help you to feel better. And how is your dog?
Sending you my love and hugs
Hi Lisa!
Thank you for sharing this important feelings you have inside.
Throwing out what we have inside, sometimes helps. And do it without fear!
Because keeping all inside, hurts too much.
You are a really fantastic and honest person, Lisa.
You and Patrick give us a great lesson.
Always thank you for what you have done together, and what you’re doing now.
Take care;
with love, a big hug!
Always pray for you and Patrick.
P.S.: sorry for my English. I know it’s no perfect.
Nadia.
Lisa these feelings are just so how I felt after loosing mt man from C.F. over 20years ago, the feelinfs just smoother you and you feel happy sad and just all over the place till you take hold of yourself and settle.These feelings come and go as a memory just tips them off and you feel lost for sometimes minutes another time seconds its a true rollercoaster of emotions.
As time goes by the happy memories dont bring tears but you find you have warm feelings of closeness and happyness come over you more often, even now I sometimes get these feelings but they are good not all over the place but more content and controled.
This will all come gradually as you are so busy it hits you very hard at the moment so you take care love to you God bless look after yourself love Julie xx
I’m just starting to see where that can be true. Just last week I thought about some memory with Patrick, and it delighted me so much, I laughed out loud. That’s very different from before, when every memory hurt so badly. There’s hope!
Lisa,
don’t feel bad about not being proactive every day. Take one day at a time, maybe tomorrow will be a little easier. Always remember that feeling lost and lonely and sad is better than not feeling anything at all! It’s a good thing that you have all those feelings, way better than being numb.
When I am all over the place emotionally, I like to be outdoors, sitting by a lake or just watching the clouds change shape and color…
I’d like to share the following poem, it is one of my favourites:
THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
— Wendell Berry
As always, my heart goes out to you.
Annette
Hi, Lisa
I’m sorry to hear about your emotional roller coaster. I hope you will get to a point where you find peace and acceptance. Perhaps you will find a new project that you can focus your mind and energy on. I was wondering if you found your lost cat. I have some idea how distressing it must have been if she wasn’t there to welcome you home. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Take care.
Joan
Memories are what will get you through this Lisa, in your sad times you will need to dig deep in your heart and remember some little thing that made you smile as this will help you with the sad times, the memories even some of them tough memories near the end will give you comfort as Patrick’s strength in that time can still make you feel good.
As when my husband died I sometimes remember at the end helpping the nurse to wash and redress him, I felt then a strange feeling as he was gone, not in any pain now as I helped to dress him as in life he had bad arthritus also and this gentle feeling of dressing him touched my heart as I felt grief but felt this relief of no snapping hurting joints that made my 42year old hubby hurt so much that he cried,it was a feeling of warm pain free easy moving no tears but a gentle content smile upon his pain free beautiful face, he looked as though he had drifted off into a wonderful dream so tender and my gentle man with a beautiful smile.
That to me felt a beautiful memory which to anybody else is probably weird, but I had seen him through some awful painful tearful times and this one wonderful memory of a gentle smile was beautiful to me it made me feel so comforted inside, he was painfree no bleeding lungs and coughing up blood,no crying through every painful joint movement and on top of that he didn,t end up on a ventilator which was his worse night mare, he past away gently in my arms and the smile was as if an angel had touched him just so special.
I feel quite up lifted writing this as it’s the first time I have put these feelings into words, even now 20yrs on I can picture his smile.
I am now 50yrs old and have a wonderful new life with a family also, but you never loose this the love you had for your first love as it’s the best and it can never be touched it’s deep within your heart always with you and so are your special memories and dreams.
Sorry to have waffled on Lisa but you really are a lovely lady and you must take care of yourself I had lots of support and I just feel I would like to give you some suppot too, as my friends helpped me.
Love to you Lisa God bless love Julie xx
Thank you so much for sharing that. I, myself, was surprised that my husband’s passing was not a horrific thing, but rather a moment that was delicate and precious. I cherish that I got to be there. Of course my heart was breaking also. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your story with Patrick. The courage and grace shown by both of you during his illness and your courage going on without Patrick is awesome. I remember reading some of the articles done at the time, and both of you–courage and grace are the words I keep coming up with to describe what I was seeing in the interviews and articles–and reading as I just finished your book. I’m glad you are having better days among the sadness. I know the death of a parent is different than the death of your husband, but since my parents died, what has brought me joy through the sadness is that in the crapshoot, I was given the gift of those 2 people, who loved me and my brother unconditionally and beyond all else, and that I was given those 2 people for the time I was alotted. In the crapshoot, you got Patrick, and you were given 34 years with him. Ended too soon, but the good stuff always ends too soon. It took me a while to see this, but eventually, it hit me, and in a way it helps to focus on the gift you got. Many people are not lucky enough to know the love you and Patrick share. Rejoice in that.
Lisa my husband also passed away from pancreatic cancer. I had 8 months to say good-bye. We had three children together. I am a fan of your life and marriage to a man I believed to be a humble person. I truly do not know of course because I never knew him. I remember seeing you on Oprah and I could feel the emotions in you others could not see. I was saddened because I could not comfort you. I was actually talking to the t.v. (ha ha). I remember my life with my husband as well as I remember his death. I found solice in my sorrow to know he was in a better place. Caring for him was my privelage, letting him go was very painful. When you care for the man you love who is knowingly dying you are helpful, but when you watch him take his last breath you are helpless. My heart goes out to you and my thoughts and cares go out to those who held you through it all.
Lisa, you have been a real life lesson. Its mission has been wonderful: you can turn your pain into comfort to people’s lives. It is something so noble, so sacred! You’re not alone. You evolve every day in every attitude, understanding and helping others who have gone and go through what you went through.
I’m sorry: I do not speak English very well, I am Brazilian. I will always be praying, following your posts and I’m sure Patrick is very proud! A big hug from Brazil! God bless you!
Thank you, Lindsay.
Hi from Australia Lisa, I just found your website out of the blue and did the same with your book when it came out. I’d already read, still own and plan on re reading ‘Time of you Life’, knowing the ending I cried almost all of the way through it and I did the same with your book. I know I’m just one person from the other side of the world, but I thought I would let you know how inspiring I’ve found you and Patrick. There’s the question that we ask ourselves every now and then that if we had the opportunity to have a meal with anybody alive or dead, who would it be, and the answer for me is you and Patrick. I wish I was born earlier so that I could get more of a feel of who you two are / were, but through the insights that you gave us in your books I feel like I know you so intimately anyway. I can’t imagine what my life would be without my husband, and the fact that you’ve managed to survive what you’ve been through and flourish even with the stalkerazzi is simply amazing.
To this one person Lisa, you’re a beautiful survivor and I look forward to reading your blog.
Thank you, Tammy!
Dear Lisa, I would like to comment that I really admire you for your love and devotion to Patrick . I also admired Patrick for the way he was devoted to you also. The last dance is one of the best films I have ever watched and the books are the best books that I have read. All the best in your new life Joan and caroline from the uk xxxxx
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Hi Lisa,
I just wanted to say you and Patrick have been a huge inspiration to me over the years. Your love for each other through the good and bad times is truly heart warming and inspirational.
My father has been batteling cancer for the last 6 years and it’s a struggle everyday. your book has been a heartwarming and uplifting read it truly helped me through a lot and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Xo
I know it’s been awhile since you posted this, but, now that I’m checking back in, wanted to say – thank you for your words. If I’ve been of any help, it is my honor to you.
Lisa,
I watched Dirty Dancing the other night and have not stopped crying. It struck a deep cord inside me. I know you are married again, and I am happy you were able to find the love and the peace you deserve.
I wish I could have met you and Patrick.
God Bless you.
Maria
Patrick was such a shining light. Thank you for seeing that. I think he’d love my husband, Albert, now.