I took this photo in New Mexico after one of our heaviest snow falls ever.
Flying back from New Mexico with my computer open to write this blog.
I just recently told a friend (in an impassioned way) that I didn’t want my old life anymore. My old life, is the life I’ve lived since my Buddy died, and that’s a life that has been full of grief and pain.
My previous life doesn’t exist anyway. I return back to my house in LA, and it’s a poor facsimile of what I use to have, but don’t anymore.
It’s funny, in the beginning after I lost Patrick, I was afraid the pain would leave – it was almost like I’d lose him if it went away. And now, I’m desperate for the pain to leave, for something to be different in my life. But like I’ve always suspected, this grief has a life of its own. I don’t control it. I can temper it sometimes, borrow a few moments for myself, call a time-out for a few minutes, hours, and sometimes even days now. But this grief, this hurt, does whatever it wants to do. And it’s doesn’t listen to me.
Landing back in L.A. this time has been a bit different; not as friendly as I was hoping it would be, but there’s been a definite shift forward. A sense of “getting on” with things.
And this is not always easy – I can decide that I’m going to move forward in a positive way in my life, and still…still…it can feel like I’m pushing a ten-ton elephant uphill. And then, the thought comes in my head, just like it did after Patrick died, How do I get through the day, through a task, let alone a life? – Get twice as strong. And then, get stronger than that.
And, yes. Sometimes that thought makes me feel very tired. And sometimes I feel – ready.
I want to feel ready.
It’s strange how much grief takes out of you in just trying to function every day. And for me, I think the reserves that were depleted during Patrick’s illness, and then further smashed into smithereens after he died, are just now starting to be replenished.
I’m thinking that I can find the “key,” how I can be “good” enough to myself that I find the energy to jump forward in life. Like tanking up with gas to go on, instead of eeking out my days on pitiful, never-ending fumes.
And it’s still true that it’d be much easier to sit around, waiting to die, and never doing a damn thing (it’s a viable option). But I still want my life to mean something. And this is a positive sign to me.
My co-pilot snapped this just before we touched down safely back in LA.
I’m starting to see that life can be good again. It’s beckoning. Like a mirage in the distance. And I want to reach for it. And there’s a part of me that hopes I have the energy to move, and grasp what waits for me. I just need the vitality, and the courage, along with my broken heart which promises to be tied back together with the love that is still exists here on earth.
And maybe when this gravity pulls me back, I’ll land in the in the folds of a life that’s good to me, that holds and energizes me. What a thought. That life that can inspire. Replenish. What a thought…
Lisa, your words are always so encouraging – that all of my feelings are normal after hitting the 22-month mark. I am now facing my first major health issue since losing Jack and I pray for the strength to get me through it without him. I have been diagnosed with a large ovarian mass and I am having major surgery on the 23rd of this month. I cannot even imagine going through this without him and his emotional support and physical presence – not seeing his face before and after surgery. That will be the hardest part of me. The doctors feel that this is benign and I think it will be. But if not, I am at peace with whatever the outcome is. Jack’s attitude battling Pancreatic Cancer was contagious – such an inspiration. I know his spirit will be with me. I just cannot believe that this is now transpiring so soon after his death. Any words of wisdom from you would be so much appreciated. You are such an inspiration and indeed a woman of strength. Do you ever feel at times that your strength is losing ground? That is how I feel now. Much love, Barbara.
Sometimes life just doesn’t seem to give us a break, does it? Hang in there, Barbara. You’ll get thru this. Sometimes we have to go thru the fire before we are forged into something bright and shining.
after the storm, peace is going to come back…. I told you……
Suffer all what you have to, but then, reborn stronger than ever. Your old life was a learning process to face what you will live!
Very well said Lisa. I am only at the 12 week mark in losing the love of my life. I often think during the day. I can get through today but can I get through a lifetime of this pain. When I go there I remind myself to live one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
You got it.
Sometimes one minute at a time.
Lisa,
When my mom died I felt this huge void. It has been 18 years and I still feel that void. I just graduated college after 20 years:) The only person I could think of that day was my mom. I wanted her to be there so bad. I found the way to be happy is never forget, and cherish the family and friends I have right now. I learned to never take life for granted.
Me pasa igual Pam, perdí a mi madre hace pocos meses y estoy postergando la entrega de mi diploma de honor, no imagino pasar por ese momento sin ella.
Lisa, so good to hear from you again! I was thinking about you recently and wondering how you are doing. I believe you are right where you are supposed to be in your current journey. I remember just saying to myself, “Just take one step at a time.” Over and over again and my heart would still ache and still does sometimes. KOKO—keep on keeping on. I believe that is what Buddy would have wanted from you and he would be so proud that you are doing just that.
Prayers for your peace and love,
Cindy
Lisa, of course you don’t know this but you are one of a team of people keeping me alive following the shockingly fast seven-month decline and death of my beloved, handsome, fit , athletic young 54-year-old husband of 29 years from stage IV pancreatic cancer in December 2011. I hang on every word you write, and was quite distressed when you took a well deserved blogging break. But for the fact that in the parking garage having just gotten the horrific life-shattering diagnosis my husband turned to me solemnly, tearfully, and made me promise not to commit suicide after he died, I don’t think I could of hung on. I see a psychiatrist, a bereavement counselor, and a psychotherapist, run, do yoga and paint, write in my journal for hours every day, have a very small but devoted cache of “forever” girlfriends, and am praised by all for my “strength,” “courage,” and “positive attitude,” and am returning after a yearlong bereavement leave to a job I adore . . . but I cry HARD every day and missing my Buddy (also, my nickname for him and his for me) , and plodding through this “lesser life,” a life that feels WITHOUT is flat and dull and horrifying and agonizing and lonely and pointless. I feel lost and I long for my Buddy to come back and get me. The pain is relentless, always present and pressing, whether manifested in torrents of tears or pangs of panic as I run through the menswear section at Nordstrom looking straight ahead, inability to leave the house or even get out of bed or eat or sitting on the floor for hours without moving or not being able to follow a conversation. I’ve never, ever made an online comment but countless late midnight hours reading and re-reading your blogs and “Worth Fighting For,” I’ve sobbed myself to sleep and somehow, wake up the next day because your words held me, stayed with me as I fell asleep. Your story is my story. Thank you.
I feel your pain. You are not alone. This horrible, all-engulfing grief will get easier to manage as time goes on. And you will learn to be stronger, not in a “denying” way, but a good and loving way. All this will be hard-earned! In the meantime – hang in there.
Louise, I also feel your pain – I lost my husband also to Pancreatic Cancer in October, 2010, and regardless of how busy I try to stay, it seems as if the pain of missing him has been worse approaching the two-year mark. We were married for 32 years but after his diagnosis, the last 19 months of his life were the most beautiful time in our marriage. I am facing major surgery next week and I cannot even imagine going through this without him. He was my rock. All we can do is live a minute at a time. I know what you mean when you talked about going through the menswear section in a store. Whenever I go into the stores where we shopped together, I try not to look in the menswear direction, because I can visualize him standing there looking around at everything. We are all in this together, aren’t we?
Lisa, I can’t relate to the loss of your husband as mine is still here, but I can relate to the depleted energy reserves during Patrick’s illness. I’m still going through that and have been for the last 10 years. The ups and downs of living with someone who has a terminal illness is exhausting, mentally, emotionally and physically. I know its been a tough time for you, but you truly are an inspiration to me. I see, through you, that life does go on, albeit sometimes not the way we want it to, but it does go on. For that inspiration, thank you!!
Terri
THE PICTURE IN NEW MEXICO OF THE HORSE, SNOW, AND TREE’S IS BEAUTIFUL. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. JUST TRY AND KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND DON’T LET IT PULL YOU DOWN. I KNOW I MENTIONED IN ONE E-MAIL AND I AM GOING TO MENTION IT AGAIN. IT MAY BE HEALTHY FOR YOU TO SELL YOUR LA HOME AND START FRESH.
IT HAS TO BE HARD ON YOU GOING THERE EVEN THOUGH IT IS YOUR HOME AND HAS THE WONDERFUL MEMORIES THAT YOU AND PATRICK MADE THERE TOGETHER. BUT IT ALSO HOLDS THE MEMORIES OF HIM BEING SO SICK AND WHEN HE PASSED AND I BELIEVE IF I AM CORRECT IN YOUR BOOK YOU SAID THAT HE PASSED IN THAT HOUSE. I HAVE FRIENDS THAT HAVE FOUND COMFORT IN THAT AND FRIENDS THAT HAVE NOT.
YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. YOU ARE STILL HERE AND YOU HAVE SO MUCH COURAGE AND STRENGTH AND PASSION TO GET THROUGH THIS. LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME THROUGH ALL OF THIS ALREADY.
YOU ARE A FIGHTER AND YOU HAVE TO KEEP THAT IN MIND. WHEN YOU GET DOWN YOU FIGHT THAT MUCH HARDER TO GET YOURSELF BACK UP AND DONT GIVE UP. YOUR ARE IN THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. I HOPE THAT YOU HAVE A BLESSED DAY TOMMORROW AND THE REST OF THE WEEK. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF .
Hi Lisa,
A friend and I have adopted a morning ritual of texting quotes to each other. We alternate days, and it’s refreshing to try and find the perfect quote to send and then the next day anticipate what gem the other has discovered.
It’s now after midnight here in Cleveland, and I’m going to send you a quote to start your morning……one of my very favorites that somehow always soothes and renews me when I’m lost.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—-
And sings the tune without the words——-
An never stops—–at all——-
Emily Dickenson
I love this. L
I am always waiting for this to happen. I do what everyone says I have to do but it still isn’t working….I hope you have better luck than I do, Lisa….Good luck to you!!
Lisa thank you for sharing your thoughts and photos.This one snowing in New Mexico is very beautiful.You are such an exceptional woman with open heart.Sending you my love and hugs.Take care of you.
I wish I could send you some fuel ………….
Dear Lisa
I have just read your latest post poignant but inspiring. Can’t begin to imagine how you have coped in the days, weeks, months, years since your beloved ” Buddy” died but we do get a “snapshot” through your generous blog and the amazing photographs you publish. The one of the horse standing in the snow is awesome! Without sounding or meaning to be sycophantic you are an inspirational woman. Look at all the facets of your life raising awareness of Pancreatic cancer, Dancing,Directing, Author,Blogging,Photography,Riding your beautiful horses, Piloting planes!!!! The list goes on.
My lovely dad Stanley passed away last year from Oesophageal cancer and I had to leave full time work to look after my mum who has Alzheimer’s and is disabled. Caring for a loved one can be difficult and I’ve felt resentful at times because my life now revolves around the same routines it’s a bit like the film Groundhog day. I’ve also been stressing about silly things in life.
But, yesterday I had an experience that has made a profound shift in my attitude. I was travelling along a motorway when a tanker lorry hit my car and was sent spinning around till I faced oncoming traffic, my thoughts at the time were ” This is it I’m going to die” ! I do believe in guardian angels because I emerged physically unharmed from the wreck of my car.
Every day for the past year I’ve been saying I’m going to go out for a long walk just to get a bit of respite from dear Mum but I didn’t. I’ve already been out and done that today stared at the sky, smelt the fresh air happy to still be on this planet!
I wish you well Lisa on your continuing journey. Thank you for your candid blogs. Best Wishes Suz. UK
I’m glad you’re still here with us, too, Suz!
A huge pat on the back to you – to want to feel life can be good again is such a brave step forward.
My husband died in 2006 from pancreatic cancer (aged 40). Like you, part of me wanted to hold onto the grief forever because that was how I thought I would hold on to Matt. Learning to be happy instead is a much finer way to honour him though – it shows we were so strong together that our love continues to carry me into a new, positive future.
Life can be good again. Just in a different way.
Yeah, actually I’ve felt closer to my husband as the pain has lessened. Not the other way around!
I can only imagine how each corner of each room, each section of floorspace, each piece of furniture…the pool,the yards, the stables, the dance studio and Patricks…’hideaway’…remind you of your time at Rancho Bizarro…together. It can only take time till you feel stronger in your…you. She might not be someone you even notice to the fullest…until you have lived with ‘her’…longer. You are an inspiration and you are a strong human being. Time is the answer as cliche’ as it sounds, and thank God you are capable of realizing this….or it could be so much worse…and I get it is awfully sad, still new and very, not what you planned, let alone thought of. I would not know what to do if in your shoes, but I do know I am very ‘proud’…of your strength and optimistic approach Lisa. The world is big…where you are at home right now, is ‘your comfort zone’…your heart is all you have and it is broken…it will always hurt, but other things will fill it, one day,even if just a little bit. big hugs, Peace and Light, Jo
Ooh Lisa, you always in my thought, in my heart. I think all the time about you and I wished I could help you. I know you’ll find the way to go out of the grief. If I lived closer to you, I came around with my little daughter and you’ll forget the grief, even just for a moment. We could laugh and playing together, my little daughter would give you a huge hug and you did’nt have time to think about your lost or grief!!!
Stay strong Lisa…….
Lovely greets from Germany
Claudia with little Madeline
Dear Lisa,
A new chapter is what I call it. I did it after my mother died and it took courage but I am happier now. Sold my house where my mother had lived with us. Quit my job and moved to a different area and now live in the country.
You could call it a fresh start….back at the starting line again….former city girl gone country…whatever, but it did work for me. Yes I still have days when the grief is there but I feel every time I look at a bird or flower, I feel that my mother is there with me. She is there to admire the beauty and peace of country life.
It took change which does not come easy as we grow older.
So fill up the tank with fuel, pick a destination and go for it! Doing something different in life is exciting and opens up a new chapter for you.
Enjoy your next new journey!
Ann
Hi Lisa
you sound as if you have been caught up by the pain again it’s quite awful when it sticks it’s claws of pain back into your heart, you have to take a deep breath in and grab onto future exploits and get yourself back into your love of producing and dance again it’s tough to fight but you will get on and remember your great times with Patrick not his pain as you now know he is out there keeping watch over you and out of that awful pain, he’s your strength and you will get back on track forwards and up for the beautiful Lisa Niemi Swayze it’s hard but you can do this I send you lots of love take care and Godbless love julie xxox
I know everything you say is true. I hope someday I can get to that point. Since my daughter and husband, of 40 years, died in a car wreck, thats what I seem to be doing, passing the days, anyway possible, until I die and see them again. Its so hard, this life now. I just don’t want to do anything. All I want is to do sleep. Then I don’t have to think. Maybe, some day…
I understand. XXL
Lisa!
You be fin…always. Believe and stay in peace…Kisses in heart!
Lisa….Buddy for sure! wants you to move on and live again your life.He will be with you always,in your heart in your soul,forever and ever…Heal your broken heart with the sweet memories of your life together,and live your life…..is what Buddy wants you to do it..Respect and hugs for you.
Simona.
Dear Lisa
This is my first comment ever since you published your 1st blog. A few times ago I already had the urge to write a comment as I was so deeply touched by your words. Lisa, you are a wonderful writer and it touches me every time in how you express your feelings. The love you carry inside your heart for your Buddy can be felt in between your lines. I read both your books “The Time of my Life” and “Worth fighting for” which touched my heart so much. It was painful and tearful to go through some pages but I’m glad I did. You can look back on a wonderful life with Patrick. One can really feel the deep love you feel for your Buddy so dearly missed. I think that that everlasting and unconditional love gives you the strength to go on in life. Patrick will always be on your side whatever you do or decide to do. He is now your guardian angel and will lead your steps forward.
You write that you were afraid to lose Patrick if the pain went away. You’ll never lose Patrick in your heart because all the memories, all the thoughts of him are saved forever in your heart: every time you’ll have reached something, if you recall a certain smell or sound, a specific event or moment.
I want to recall you the final lines from “City of Joy”. Patrick once said in an interview that these lines were his favorites from that movie: Hasari said: «You know, Max Daddah, the gods haven’t made it easy to be a human being” and Max answered: “No they haven’t. I guess that’s why it feels so goddam wonderful to beat the odds.”
Well Lisa, that’s my wish for you: The world belongs to you, fill up your tank and be ready to beat the odds.
Big hug from Luxembourg
Jeanny
go for it, you have the vitality or you will find it, don’t worry. There is no benefit if you stay in grief the rest of your life, on the contrary. You only can give love back if you are happy. And giving love back is the sense of life. The grief will stay in any case, but there is no need to keep it alive day after day. I wish you luck.
Lisa,
The grief will always be there. I know. When I lost the dearest person in all the world to me in 1994, grief moved in and set the terms for my life. Down to when I could breath even. The thing I have learned is that you will always have the greif, its burned into your soul. But you CAN set the terms one day.
I know that doesn’t sound like much to hope for but believe me, its like a football game, defense to offense. You set the terms for grief. You better believe that Patrick is closer to you now than ever but grief covers your eyes, your soul’s ears and you are still in the dark. Believe me, soon you will only PERMIT grief a place in your life. After all these years, for me, thinking of that special person is like going to a small, warm and distant place to know that, yes, I am and always will be connected. Now, when memories move me to tears its like the tears are soft and take the sting away.
Fondly,
Virginia
Hi dear Lisa,
Today is 60th Patrick birthday’s, and i know he’s gone so fast of here but his soul will be with you and with us forever. For me he was an important persone in my life, not only as an great actor, dancer and singer, he made me feel sure when i saw him in his movies, in his interviews… it was a big loss, very big loss, but you know i told you i had a dream a few months ago, he appear with mi father, my father had his beautiful and expressive smile and his wonderful eyes, in this dream they were together and the hugh gave me them to me, unforgettable, now i feel and i think i will feel forever that sensation. I woke up crying for emotion and for the peace that dream made me feel. And for this i want to say from me to you, you are free, free for doing whatever you want in your life, if you want to begin a new life and leave your old life only do it.
I was reading in other comments you are thinking selling your ranch, it’s a pity. This ranch is Patrick, he loved it with all his heart, he built it with your effort and his work , it’s one important part of him, so important like a monument he was made before his loss. Like a museum, it’s only an idea, museum-house Rancho Bizarro’s. Look from this point of view, maybe you thought it’s a nonsense. There is my idea, for not loss forever Patrick’s dream and your dream too, because i know you love this ranch.
Have a very nice day Lisa, i know today it’s a hard day, a sad day, a day full of memories to each other, but you must thinking he’s is with you always, he told to you in Barbara Walter’s interview: I’ll be there, for a while, and she’ll be fine. Now in these next days i will go on holiday, but i hope you are well and more possitive, you can because you’re very strong and all of us are with you do like you do.
A very big kiss and an enormous hugh my friend, i send you my possitive energy .Take it easy. XXL
Maite Sánchez
Lisa,
I really feel the urge to share the lyrics of my song with you which I wrote when dad passed away as the copy I sent out never got to you, but I want to adapt it slightly, I hope you don’t mind…
‘Tumbling Down’
My Buddy I love you so
don’t you know,
I still miss you
when you were taken
it hurt me more than anything
I’d ever known
I’ll never forget the day my world came tumbling down.
Nights of thunder
lightening too,
you held me close to you,
all those memories you left with me
always treasured as they should be
no I’ll never forget the day my world came tumbling down.
I’ll always remember how strong you were
although the pain you suffered was so hard to bear,
those last days that I recall you were helpless and frail
just lying there, why is life so unfair?
What could I do to ease your pain
everyday I’d ask the same again
I held your hand so you’d know I was there,
didnt want to lose you, I was just so scared
no I’ll never forget the day my world came tumbling down.
Well it wasn’t to be
as I kissed you goodnight
for the last time my Buddy please sleep tight,
you know I love you and miss you still
I’m thinking of you and always will
I’ll never forget the day my world came tumbling down,
no I’ll never forget the day my world came…tumbling down.
Much love and an eternity of hugs Lisa always
Joanna xxx
Wow. Very beautiful, Joanna.
Lisa, I pray for you a full tank of fuel to carry on and embrace all that your “new” life has to offer. You deserve the absolute best!!! And, remember, when you feel like you’re running on empty…your Buddy is right there with you. He always will be.
As always, much, much love to you! XXX
PS. GORGEOUS picture of your horse in the snow! 🙂
Just like yours and your Buddy’s connection Lisa…
Perhaps one day you will get the chance to listen to the song in full, if now that you have read the lyrics you would like to. Its on iTunes or Cdbaby under the name Jo Fox.
I know you are up and down with this but you are doing great… Be proud of yourself the way Patrick was and still is.
Hugs
Joanna
xx
Lisa,
I was really worried about you after you wrote the following:
“Landing back in L.A. this time has been a bit different; not as friendly as I was hoping it would be, but there’s
been a definite shift forward. A sense of “getting on” with things.”
To think that you would have to experience something that was not as friendly as you had hoped it would be, well, I have to tell you that breaks my heart for you because you DO NOT need anymore pain of ANY kind!!!
I retired a couple of years ago. It has been 11 long years since our oldest son was killed on the way home from a Detroit Red Wing game. Their oldest son, Nic was then only four, and Zac was only three months.This is important only in the fact that since I have retired, and my husband works two days a week, I am obviously turned around on my days and nights (up at night and sleeping days.) However, AND THIS IS WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY, is that there are days even after 11 years since Charlie’s death, that I just do NOT want to get out of bed, do not want to talk with anyone, do not want to see anyone, The only exceptions are our granddaughters from our only other child/son, Andy. It is sad, but if we see Charlie’s sons, it is only at sports events…………
I guess I am just trying to say that at this point where I could and should be so involved in volunteer activities, whenever I think of anything that I “should be doing” I just pull the comforter up higher and make sure that my earplugs are in tight so that if someone does call, I know that Gary will answer it….
I am finding it extremely hard to “get on with things.” There is the prevelant feeling that I just want to stay in bed and not deal with anyone or anything. However, we spent the evening tonight with some old, dear friends who had lived in the south as traveling nurses. I knew that if I was going to get out of bed for anyone, it would have been for my dearest old friend Diane. We had a wonderful time together, and that gives me hope that when Diane calls and wants to know if I want to do something with her, that I most definitely WILL!!!!
The grief that I still feel, continues to do what it wants with me. This week we celebrated a family member’s birthday. It hit me right in the gut that our Charlie and his family were not with us, and I know that our only other son, Andy, was also really hurting because Charlie wasn’t with us…,..
I apologize, Lisa. I guess I was just trying to say that I do, even today, understand your feelings of “How do I get through this day?” The Hospice Counselor with whom I spoke 2 years after Charlie’s death told me that there is nothing new that he can tell me, that we have shared every bit of information that we could, and I knew this to be very true.,,,,, The one thing that he relentlessly reminded me of was to “BREATHE, BREATHE!”
I am so very sorry Lisa. I wasted a lot of your precious time with my “ramblngs.” It was just that so much of what you were saying “rang to very true!”
All I can do, very humbly, is to thank you, or to thank whomever read this, for your time!!
Lisa, I hope that you KNOW that you are always in our prayers, for that is the best that we can do. Love, Karen
Lisa,
I am very happy for you that you were able to took the next step. It seems to be true, time heals all wounds. Guess from now on it is getting better and better. You just started learning to set one foot for another and soon you will be able to run again.
“The memory is a window through that I can see you whenever I want to”.
You should keep this in memory for your whole life, it is so true. It is not necessary to visit my mom every week a the cemetary because she is with me every second and often I look through this window.
LISA,
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF BEING A COUNSELOR OR A THERAPIST. YOU SEEM TO HAVE
A GIFT OF TOUCHING PEOPLE WITH YOUR WORDS. PEOPLE SEEM TO FIND IT VERY EASY
TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU THEIR PAIN AND WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH. AT FIRST
I THOUGHT THAT IT MAY BE TO MUCH ON YOU, SINCE YOU ARE STILL DEALING WITH YOUR
PAIN AND LOSS. HOWEVER THE KIND WORDS THAT YOU GIVE TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY SHARE
THEIR STORIES SEEMS TO BE JUST WHAT THEY NEEDED TO HEAR. I WORRY ABOUT YOU WHEN
YOU GO A LONG TIME WITHOUT COMMUNICATING WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. BUT I HAVE REALIZED SOMETHING THAT YOU JUST NEED THAT BREAK SOMETIMES FOR YOU. AND IT SEEMS EACH TIME YOU COME BACK STRONGER AND STRONGER.
Thank you, Hannah.
Oh my, sure am glad you informed us that you had a co-pilot. I’ve often wondered if the captains flying the plane, are texting or playing on the internet during flight these days….ha. Hope you know, when I fly again in Oct., I’ll have this picture in my head. By the way, the camara man in the picture that you’re riding with holding the coffee container, on your home page….he’s totally gorgeous! You look really happy and look like your having a good time. Hope that’s a true statement. You certainly deserve to have happiness!!! This blog reminds me of Odell’s song I heard yesterday…”what doesn’t kill ya, makes you stronger, stand a little taller..” One day you will. I have faith in your strength.
Lisa.. Love and admire the work that you do.. *———-*
Sorry, I think the singer’s name is Adele…..senior moment!
Lol.
Lisa,
Sep will be 17 years since I entered this strange journey within Life. Reading your book brought so much to light for me, as i was able to go back and experience the feelings (funny, even more than the events) through a different, wiser lens. This entry has also struck a chord; it is a journey, I think, that shifts the core of us forever. While not a club I am ever happy to welcome anyone into, at the same time…how do I say this…I know…the greatest darkness I have known was the opening into the greates Light I have known. I do not know how, or when, though in the core of me, your words let me know that you will land again into a life that inspires. And your precious Buddy will be there; during the times you are fully aware of his presence, and during the times you are not…land gently, Lisa.
Thanks, Kathy.
Lisa, So grateful to have found your Blog. You seem to be right on track, Compared to myself anyway. I couldn’t remember the difference in our losses, so, I looked it up and it’s Jan. to Sept. 2009,. Just celebrated my 17 th wedding anniversary. Actually, I keep it low key. It was Sunday, so I went to church (twice) and stayed home. I talked with a couple of my close friends, but mainly keep to myself. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t the best. Didn’t do the ballons, but will.
But like you I am at a point, where I know it’s time to move on. I checked into taking some classes, and thought about moving, (Which would really be stupid.) But I think what I really need to do is make it my home, Cause I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But I do know, I want to live the best life I can and be happy again. If for no other reason than to honor his memory. I know but wouldn’t want me to give up or stop living because of the loss.
Don’t want to do the dating thing but it would sure be nice to have a friend to talk to, or go out and eat with once in awhile, and not have any expectation placed on our friendship.? But then, again, that sounds so unrealistic and unfair to someone else. It hasn’t been that long ago, that I was sooo angry at Bud I couldn’t see straight. And I had a choices use it for good or let it eat me alive. So, I did the latter and realized that I must recognize the good in my days hanging on to it and not dwell on the negative. And tell myself I can and will take care of myself, be good to myself and use what I can for good .
Sometimes, it’s a prayer for someone or a phone call, or just a simple smile to brighten someone else’s day. Or just a good old fashion pep talk to self to get me going. I even answer my own questions sometimes. lol But whatever it takes go forward and let the past rest. I keep myself so tired just by tryin’ to figure out what to do, instead of doing something, achieving a goal and going forward and being happy. Just have to learn how to live again. But thank you for being a blessing to me.
Thank you for your comment, Joan. I can relate so much to what you say here. Sometimes I have to remind myself that being happy (or feeling fulfilled) in my life is a truly a realistic possibility. I mean, I’ve done it before, right? It exists. So, I can find my way again at some point – when I’m ready and the time is right.
Another great post Lisa. I just passed the 18th month mark of losing my husband and it seems the last few months have been the hardest. Maybe reality is setting in, maybe I am remembering more, I am not sure. I am trying to start each day with a smile, but it isn’t easy. I know I have to go on and be strong for myself, my kids and my grkids, but sometimes I don’t feel strong and sometimes I really get angry when people tell me what a strong person I am. I know this will pass and whenever I read your posts, it definately helps. Keep up the blogs and stay strong and many good wishes to you moving forward.
Yeah, it’s crazy when people remark how strong I am. I certainly don’t feel that way most of the time!
Firstly a few words for Barbara Maffett, sending healing thougths and wishes for the major operation on 23rd August to remove large ovarian mass. Some years ago my mother ( who is now aged 88) also had an ovarian mass, the size of a large new born baby. Despite many visits to her Doctor it wasn’t investigated or diagnosed and my Mum was simply told dismissively to “think thin”!!!… You can imagine how unwell she was by this time until one day the mass got so big it ruptured and broke through her stomach wall causing massive internal bleeding and threatening her life. She was rushed to hospital by ambulance for an emergency operation in the middle of the night. The situation was so serious that the Hospital Registrar called my Dad and I into his office to warn us that there was almost no hope at all that my Mum could survive the operation. I was in shock and desperate and I asked how much percentage hope we might have that Mum would survive. The Registrar said he was afraid the margin for hope at this point was almost zero and said that even if she made it through the operation if the mass was due to malignant cancer her chances of survival were at such an advanced stage that we should prepare ourselves for the worst. Because it had not been diagnosed the operation had to go ahead as an emergency without knowing if the mass was due to cancer or not. The family was in total shock and we said many prayers, as you do in such circumstances. Our prayers were answered and the surgeon was a hero – Mum made it through the major emergency surgery and into intensive care. We waited two anxious weeks for the test results to confirm whether or not the mass was due to cancer and once again thank God it had been a non-malignant growth. The Hospital informed us that the hernia due to the mass having broken through Mum’s stomach wall was inoperable, so that she would have to take high dose medication for this for the remainder of her life, however. This was the case for a number of years, but due to new developments in surgery even that “inoperable” hernia was repaired recently and the high dose medication no longer needed. So Barbara perhaps this experience my mother went through with her operation will give you hope for a good outcome from your upcoming surgery. In my mother’s case the lack of timely diagnosis caused a crisis and other life threatening complications to the point that we were told there wasa next to zero hope and to pray for a miracle. In your case it has been diagnosed so that the necessary pre-op scans and tests will have been carried out and your operation booked ahead in good time so I hope if my Mum had almost zero hope and made it through you will have every faith and hope that you will get through this too and make a good recovery. Your husband Jack is sure to be very close by even if not physically holding your hand he will be right there with you. I hope you have family and close friends to pull together as a team to help you through and maybe make some new friends during your time in hospital. Perhaps when you are feeling better you will let us all know how you are doing and in the meantime we all wish you healing, love and support. My Mum has had other hospital stays since that time and an operation after an accident and broken hip, but she continues to battle on and we are grateful for the extra time we have had with her after she was given almost no hope of survival back then. On what would have been Patrick’s 60th birthday on Saturday 18th August, I remember Patrick referring in his biography to the very many times he so nearly lost his life years before he finally passed – whether miraculously surviving the airplane crash, filming the surfing scenes in “Point Break”, or the near fatal riding accident, etc., etc. Although Patrick’s life was cut short far too soon, perhaps we can also thank God he survived all those earlier near misses, like a cat with 99 lives. My Dad had a tragic and premature unexpected death, but he miraculously survived a catastrophic accident 25 years earlier when his odds of survival were almost zero and I am grateful that his life was saved then so that we had those additional years with him. Sixty years after Patrick survived his very traumatic birth and entry into this world, I hope we can celebrate his incredible spirit of survival and the gift of the time of Patrick’s life, even though so tragically cut short. My thoughts go out to Lisa on yet another memorable date and I hope there will be a new way to celebrate the day, like releasing those balloons, to help ease the pain and knowing that Patrick is only a thought away, perhaps out of sight but never out of mind or heart. Happy 60th Birthday, Patrick – forever young – xxx
Hallo Lisa, morgen wird es nun nochmal ein trauriger Tag für dich werden,meine Gedanken werden bei dir sein,ich zünde für Patrick zu seinem 60.Geburtstag eine Kerze an ,es ist so schade das er diesen besonderen Tag nicht mehr mit dir feiern kann,ich werde ein Glas Rotwein auf sein Wohl trinken und zum Himmel hoch schauen und ganz fest an ihn denken,sei ganz lieb gegrüsst es umarmt dich, ein ganz grosser Fan aus Thüringen,by,by Heike
Dear Lisa, your reference to Sisyphus is really touching: You talk about your pain like a heavy rock to roll to the top of the mountain. A repetitive task that depletes and desperates. This is a beautiful metaphor. And your reflection joins that of Albert Camus (a french philosopher) who can imagine Sisyphus happy when he comes down from the mountain. A quiet moment, a kind of pause or time out.
His joy is silent because it belongs to him. In fact,Sisyphus is much stronger than his rock. Like him, you can overcome a tragic fate. Waow!!
Today , it’s Patrick’s birthday. I imagine you serene and smiling.I hope that everything will be fine.
I hope that in the coming days (weeks and months), the rock will be as light as balloons.
I send you all my friendship.
clem
XXL
Dear Lisa, my good thoughts go out to you, especially today. My heart feels with you. It would have been Patricks 60th birthday today. I know a fan who always bakes a cake for him on his birthday, every year.
I thought about your idea to sell your LA farm: could you picture the idea somebody else would live there?
I really would like you to have a “new life”… but I think you will always and everywhere take your old life with you. I feel as well – like others do – you are very strong… even when you cannot see it. You ARE a strong lady. I admire you for everything you do. I wished I could send you some comfort. Words are so poor….. Lots of love Dorothea
Dearest Lisa,
thinking of you more today on what would have been Patricks 60th birthday… I hope you do something to make you smile, much love & hugs to you and Patrick wherever you are, ‘happy birthday’ still very much missed and loved…
Kisses
Joanna
xxx
P.S I just needed to add, after I left you the above message yesterday my 7 month old daughter Arianna crawled for the first time! I like to think she did it in honour of Patricks birthday…
Lots of love
Jx
Dear Lisa,
Although I don’t know you, your story has been quite the inspiration for me. I lost my husband to melanoma on June 21st. He was 47 years old. We were together for 27 years. I started reading your book and feel it has helped me immensely. I feel exactly the way you do, but you put it into such a readable, touchable form.
Today is the first day I have visited your website. Today would have been Patrick’s birthday. Happy Birthday on the side Patrick and Lisa, I am so so sorry you have to go through this. What do you say to someone like you? What is there to say?
I am just at the beginning of my journey through this hell called grief. It’s nice to see you can make it even to a year. Not sure how to get through minute to minute. I am half way through your book. Thank you for sharing your story as difficult as it is. Thank you for being you and for inspiring me to be me.
With love and thoughts coming your way from New Hampshire.
Sandy Webber
Making this journey through grief can seem beyond human endurance. And somehow, somehow, we manage. I’m with you in wondering how one does it, but we do. It’s a long journey, but hang in there. It won’t always be like this. XL
Hi Lisa,
I came across a beautiful quote by George S. Merriam and instantly I thought of you. I hope it brings you some comfort and hope.
Wounds of the spirit…….are most gently soothed and made whole by the passing years. Under the old scars flows again the calm, healthful tide of life…… Under a great loss the heart impetuously cries that it can never be happy again, and perhaps in its desperation says that it wishes never to be comforted. But though angels do not fly down….to restore the lost, the days and months come as angels with healing in their wings. Under their touch aching regret passes into tender memory; into hands that were empty new joys are softly pressed; and the heart that was like the trees stripped of its leaves and beaten by winter’s tempests is clothed again with the green of spring.
This quote is beautiful, and I’d like to believe it’s true!
Dear Lisa,
I have just finished both of your books and they were a delight and inspirational at the same time.Suffering grief caused by a relationship break up (only) I rediscovered “Dirty Dancing” and it brought me such relief I started to rediscover Patrick’s movies too.He was such a fine actor and his work ethic is astounding.
I enjoy watching him doing his Skatetown,USA dances so much and it amazes me how determined he was.To think he hadn’t skated since he was a teenager and then to pull that off! He has an energy and presence few stars do. He cheers me up!
Thank you for looking after one of the world’s bright lights.You paid a high price.I just can’t imagine Patrick moving on without you….and I am sure you feel him often.
I would love you to write another book. You have a great style and your anecdotes are heart warming. Thank you for letting us share your love.
Dancing really is healing to watch and to perform. Thank you for your contributions to the arts.The Lisa Neimi School of Dance?
All the best
Jane from New Zealand
Hi Lisa- thought of you on Saturday 8/18 n wondered how you were spending the day. I’m sure it was a bitter sweet day without Patrick’s physical presence and yet you have many beautiful memories and his voice to serenade you, how wonderful. Seems like you are gradually moving on which is a healthy yet sad and scary thing b/c you don’ t want to feel like you’re forgetting your Buddy. You will always be his ” better half, soulmate, creative partner”.
I celebrated Patrick’s life by seeing Ghost, yes on 8/18. It was terrific, the main characters were very talented and what voices. The resonating msg: the love inside you take it with you- how true. You are a perfect example. RIP Patrick you will always be missed n NEVER be forgotten.
Thought it would have been a nice touch for someone associated with the play to pay tribute to Patrick on the last showing/his birthday as the inspiration behind such a successful storyline. Maybe they did at the 8PM show,gI hope. Much luv and rainbows of hope sent your way.xoxo Nadine
Lisa,
First of all, my condolences on losing Patrick. To say he was not loved by anyone who saw him on the big screen, would be an understatement. I would have never dreamed of writing to you until I read the interview you did with Ladies Home Journal. I have thought many times, since then, of writing to you to share an experience I had in reading your article.
I am from Houston and I lost my soul mate, partner, and best friend of 25 years to early-onset Alzheimer’s. She had just turned 66 when she died. She survived three cancers and during the time her memory started to show problems, we were told by the oncologists that it was due to the effects of multiple surgeries and chemo. We were told it would get better. It never did. Gayle was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s in October of 2009. I worked out of our home, so I was her sole caretaker and was able to keep her home with me 10 weeks before she died.
The grief has been paralyzing. I know I don’t have to explain the feelings of grief to you, but this is where your interview with LHJ comes into play. I was traveling and I bought the magazine in January of this year at the airport solely because I saw on the cover that there was an interview with you. I knew it would be good for me to read that, given the pain I was going through since Gayle’s death. I stuck it in my bag and frankly, forgot about it. I got home from my trip and placed it on the table by my bed.
March of this year was 6 months since Gayle died and I felt such despair, I couldn’t breathe. I see a grief counselor and I was telling her that now when I fly I don’t care if the plane crashes because it would mean that I could be with her sooner. I also told her that I felt I was going crazy as it felt like things were so much worse now.
About a week after having that conversation with her, I was going through the stack of magazines and there was the LHJ. I picked up the magazine and found your interview. In that interview you talked about how the six month period was so incredibly painful and it seemed that things got worse. I thought…thank God…I’m not the only one feeling that way. I also believe you made a reference to the effect hat if you were driving your car and had an accident and died, then you would be with Patrick sooner. I started getting this funny feeling in my stomach as I was reading your interview because it was eerily similar to the exact things that I had said to my therapist a week earlier.
And then came the item that made my heart stop….you referred several times to Patrick dying in September. I cold chill went up my spine as I just had this feeling – Gayle died in September. I grabbed my iPhone and typed Patrick Swayze and there was his date of death – September 14, 2009. Gayle died on September 14, 2011. It absolutely took my breath away. I truly felt that it was not coincidence that I bought that magazine and waited to read it when I did. It was for a reason. While I know we will never meet, you need to know that I felt such a connection to you at that time.
I will be forever grateful that you chose to share your story and your grief. I just wanted you to know the impact and comfort that it gave me. As I come up on the 1st anniversary of Gayle’s death you will be very close in my thoughts and prayers. That is one thing we share – September 14.
Warmest wishes,
Laura
Amazing that it was September 14th. I’m so glad if I was able to offer any comfort at all! It’s such a hard process, isn’t it? Unbelievably hard. Nice when we can help each other through it.
Hi Lisa,
I wanted to share a this with you. “But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” – Kahlil Gibran
Take care.
Lisa, your life, the one you are living now, does inspire.
And your brave process serves to replenish those of us who walk the earth with you.
What a thought…
( – :
Ditto.
( – :
Hi Lisa
You’ve no doubt heard this so many times but this is honestly what I want to say:
You and Patrick are incredibly inspirational.
I’ve only discovered both of you and your stories recently and I admire both of your strength, will, courage and hope so much and I only wish I found out about you two earlier!
While I’ve a different story and battles to go through myself, I too have lost loved oves and people I respected so much to cancer. Before coming across you two, I thought it was alright to grieve, and you can only really live with it in that way, but now I know it’s not the case – while we cannot shake off the tragedies, we can’t just stand there. We’ve got to keep going forward and beat that grief, pain, and loss, just like those who battled this beast with determination. We have to believe in ourselves and do our part to help!
Luckily for me, I’ve the chance to potentially make such a large difference and you’ve just reminded me of how precious that is again – you see, I’m currently a young science student at one of the top universities in the world, who’s aspiring to be a researcher. Before, my aim was to just graduate and get a good job, now I’m filled with determination to pursue that research route and I’ve you partly to thank! Maybe one day, I could be part of the team that’s fighting to get closer to a “cure”!
I want to thank you for helping me to re-discover that hope and the will to battle on with whatever that’s thrown at me – you and Patrick have inspired me so much by re-lighting this light within my heart again!
Sorry for the long message, I just wanted you to know!
You and Patrick have no doubt touched many people’s lives and there are yet millions more out there who’ll be inspired too, so please keep going strong and keep up your amazing work!
All the best!
Thanks for sharing your “re-inspiration” with me. Yes, research is POWERFUL stuff. Thank you for all the work I’ll know you’ll be doing!
Life can be good again and you seeing that and wanting to reach for it, is a big step in the right direction! You can do this, Lisa.!!! Like you said: it’s not alway easy but I hope that the ten-ton elephant will ‘lose weight’ when you’re pushing it uphill and that it will get easier for you. Of course you want your life to mean something so I hope you like it when I say: your life means something to me because you are so inspirational! Your blogs, your books and you are inspirational in many different ways.
I read this blog right after I came back from my trip to the US. I was in Los Angeles on August 18th and my thoughts were with you that day, I had my own way of celebrating Patrick’s birthday. I went to the Walk of Fame to see his star and thank you so,so much for telling me that he has a figure at Madame Tussaud’s just across the street. I knew he had one but I had no idea that it was so close to the Walk of Fame, so again, Thank you! I’ve always wanted to meet him in person but unfortunately that never happened but now I was able to take a picture with him. That put a smile on my face. I’ve had some healthproblems the past few months but the doctors don’t know what it is and what to do about it so I really needed this trip and seeing his star and his wax figure made it even better. I don’t know if you want to see any of the pics but here is one in case you do. https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/405256_10151185069217324_1203823046_n.jpg
I love the pictures you post on this set and your facebook/twitter! They are beautiful! And your horses!! I love them! Thank you for sharing all of that with us. I wanted to go to this ranch in LA where you could ride horses but my friend isn’t into horses so that didn’t happen 🙁 But I will go back someday and ride horses on a ranch! ( in a western saddle! Never done that before!)
Keep up the good work, Lisa!
Love from the Netherlands,
Ineke
Xxx
Love the photo, Ineke! And take care of yourself!
Thanks, you too! And sorry for the typo in my first comment….set= site.
Great!
Thank you Ineke!
Hi Lisa
I have just read your book Worth fighting for, very inspirational what you both went through. Patrick was very lucky to have someone like you caring for him and he would want the best for you now that means living your life to the full remember your worth fighting for to Lisa. You write really well and parts are actually funny thats what gets you through something like that humour!
I have always been a fan of Patrick not just because he was a fantastic actor but because he was so loving towards you and you dont see that often with big Hollywood actors. By the way the picture of the horse in the snow is beautiful. Sending you lots of love and support xx
I would love to own a DVD of the Saturday Night Live episode that was hosted by Patrick (season 16, episode 4)–actually mainly the parts with Patrick and with you. The closest that I have been able to find on the internet is only a part of this episode, and it does not have all the segments with Patrick and none with you.
I think that this would be great material to put on DVD–it would honor Patrick in a way that might bring joy and comfort to many people who love and miss Patrick. Part of the proceeds from the sale could be used for pancreatic cancer research. I think that this would be a great way to honor Patrick’s memory. In this episode, people can see Patrick’s willingness to poke fun at himself, showing very well a truly humble and human side of him. I think that it would please Patrick to have people laugh and remember good times as they watch him and you on this Saturday Night Live episode.
I wish it was available! The whole show was great!
Hi Lisa, I imagine that you are busy taking care of things and hopefully enjoying the start of a new life with new interests. After all it has been almost 3 years. But on the other hand with Patrick’s anniversary coming up I hope instead of the pain of sadness and grief,… I HOPE you can finally feel hopeful and look with anticipation to new beginnings on the horizon. But yet and still… continue to remember Patrick with happy memories and know that he was the type of man that would have wanted you to continue to be EVEN stronger as you move forward into a future without him and still find happiness and even love, not guilt, abandonment or even embarassment . The truth of the matter is everyone moves on ( in their own time of course) some sooner and others later. You are still young and beautiful, you deserve to find true happiness. And yes even companionship and eventually …love. wouldn’t that be nice? You cannot and should not remain the grieving widow. As much as we all loved Patrick, the reality is he is no longer with us. It makes us sad, but anyone that has been thru death knows healthy grief does come to an end. Don’t let fear or guilt of friends, relatives or even yourself keep you from moving on. We all know you love Patrick, you have shown that for 35 years. So now its time to enjoy the time that’s left on your happiness. Enjoy life my friend, you deserve it . Much love to you as alway, rainbows of hope your way. Xoxo Nadine
Thank you, Nadine. L
Lisa
Did not know how to share this with you and then I found this blog. I never remember my dreams and I am not sure messages are sent in dreams. But here goes. I dreamed of Patrick last night. I am going to write as I wrote down this am….He had asked me to come come with a few lines for a song……They were: The gentle breeze you feel rustiling in the trees its just me. Love is not good by but see you later Two hearts always togherer. Then I walked out of sliding door and he was siting in lounge chair staring into space,
I knelt down and cupped his face. He said will you remember me, I said I will always remember you. He said Will you remember I was a writer I said of course I will remember you are a writer of great songs. There is nothing I won’t remember.
Let me say I always admired patrick swayze but never to the point of dreams. But the push to share was great so hope this is something you will understand. Like I said I don’t know about dreams only that I remembered this and I seldom remember dreams and work with wet eyes
God Bless you
A lovely dream. XL
Lisa
I felt it was ment to be of comfort to you! I hope so
Just read “Worth Fighting For.” Thank you for writing such an open and honest book.
Dear Lisa
This post has been so motivating to me… This Thursday on the 13th september I will be having a big lifechanging surgery done on me which will put me in the hospital for quite a while where I dont like being.
I have lived my life in the shadow of grief and selfdoubts might as well say regrets.. this post has uplifted me and many others. I love the way u nail the feelings with ur words everytime..
Since Ive been a little kid I admired Patrick and the way you guys complemented each other. All the times I felt alone, or the times I had fun, whatever phase in my life I was in I turned to Patrick’s movies. The love you’ve shared and the enormous strength u gather everyday is givin me belief that everything will be fine for me too someday! Thank you for all of that!!! <3
I am cheering for you and the new phase in your life that ur worth "fighting" for! The wonderful work u do in the fight against cancer is incredible to me. I have lost my best friend to cancer 11 years ago and wish it would have been diagnosed a lot earlier. Tommorrow another friend of mine is undergoing cancer-surgery…because of a 8cm tumor sitting in the intestines. I am nervous n anxious but ur positivity gave me energy thru my screen.
Be blessed and have a good week ahead of you,
Love Kathrin
Dear Lisa
I just finished your book Worth fighting for. Thank you for writing so honestly. I do know about grief
as I have lost a baby of four months. Grief is very very hard and even as I did not loose my husband, I did
feel that with grief you must go alone through it. It is a lonely road. There are days that you think it will never
end but I made a choice that one day I will be happy again and make my baby proud up there. As I lost another two boys after that in pregnancy it took me seven years to actually be able to live life to the full again
without the negative thoughts that bombard your brain in the grief period. The funny thing I also noticed that grief comes with a feeling of guild while there was nothing to feel guilty about and I noticed with a lot of people who have lost a love one that there is that feeling of guilt. As if grief is not hard enough in itself…..so I simply dismissed it. I do wish you all the strength that you need (you are a pretty strong lady ) and one day the sharp ends of grief will leave you and the beautiful memories will come to the front and stay there. Make him proud of you girl……. Thinking of you especially at this time…….kind regards.
Ah! My heart goes out to you! Thank you for writing.
Lisa, I have just stumbled across your website and read your most recent post. I agree…grief is the most clever thief. It is cruel and insidious and those of us crawling through the raw core of it’s nature are often caught off guard at the gravity of our loss. How can we ever be prepared for the loss of “ourselves” upon the death of our soulmates? I was a young widow, 43, married to my forever sweetheart. A man who knew who he was, who loved me well and brought a great sense of adventure into my life. You brought a smile to my face…. we would fly (he too was a pilot) back and forth from our Texas ranch to our home in Taos. It is difficult to redefine life when it has been so grand and attached by such a strong love. I’m still feeling lost and recently told my best friend that “I want my HAPPY back”. Surely, surely this is all part of a journey of great purpose and I still await the “aha” moment when it all makes sense. Holding you close in spirit….Susie
I am with you Susie in waiting to see what this journey holds. Yes, surely it has a purpose. And it will make sense. What a “tall order!”
Hello Lovely Lisa,
Thinking of you.
Lilly
Go Lisa, show them your spunk! know that you have our total support. Together we can knowitfightitendit, yeah! Purple passion perseveres!
Urgent ….. Important!!! Dear Lisa,
I have looked into different ways to make sure my message gets to you but I realize you have people that do that for you. I can understand that as you must get thousands of emails on a regular basis.
I just wanted to see how you are doing as I know these past few years have been really difficult for you. Also I just watched Dirty Dancing …… AGAIN !!! Can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen that movie. As well as many other movies that Patrick made. In my opinion he is a legend of “our” time and will always be remembered. He has been one of my favorite actors since I first saw him in Dirty Dancing but I also have many of his other films that I still watch.
I have worried about you and how you are doing ….. I know you were blessed with a career of your own but I also know that Patrick was a big part of your life, as he was to us. You were dedicated to each other and that’s a great thing for the rest of us to see as it doesn’t happen very much these days. I’m not trying to depress you at all I’m just speaking my mind because my life hasn’t turned out so great and now I’m in worse shape than I’ ve ever been in. I’ve lost my entire immediate family. Am living in my parents home as I just moved in to take care of my Dad for over 2 and a half years and when he passed away in March of this year I was left all alone. With all the bills of a larger house and let’s just say it’s not easy but I’m trying my best to work things out.
ANYWAY…….. As the wife of one of my most favorite actors, dancers, ect. of all time ….. I really am concerned about how you are doing. I wish I knew if this was going to get to you or not ……. my main intention was to try to connect you and let you how I really feel about what you’ve been thru and how much I’ve thought of Patrick and how much I’ve enjoyed his talents over the years.
But I know how it is … you write and get a computer generated response or something from someone that works for you but I really would like to connect with you!!! I feel I don’t have much left in my life right now as far as family and I truly loved your husband as an actor and it would be great for once in my life to have something really special ….. like talking with you directly instead of thru your staff. One can only hope ………….I’ve never truly really had anything special happen for me and it would great to talk with you as I really am concernd about how YOU are doing !!
“”I mainly wanted to see how YOU are doing. I know it must be hard for you losing a husband like Patrick after so many years of such a good marriage. Most people aren’t that lucky. I feel for you but from what I’ve learned about you since Patrick’s illness you are a very strong woman and will get through this !! You have the whole world behind you !!
If by some chance this message does get to you, which I hope it does you can reach me either at this email addy or my cell phone at XXX-XXX-XXXX. It would really make my day to hear directly back from you! I know you are busy but I have lost hope and hearing from someone like you might just change all that.
Sincerely,
Ann Freeman
Hi Lisa, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you especially today and I am sending you prayers, warm thoughts and positive energy. I know I am not the only one and that many many friends, some that you don’t even know you have, from all around the world, are holding you up in love and light.
You are loved Lisa. Hang in there and if you need anything, reach out! Hugs! xoxo
Thank you, Abigail.
Lisa,
I think of you and Patrick.
clem
Lisa thinking of you as you celebrate and honor Patrick’s life.
Remembering with you a man with a beautiful spirit, charismatic yet modest, handsome yet humble, tough yet sensitive. A man who had a heart of gold, who was kind and made time for everyone. A devoted, faithful and loving husband, brother, son and actor that was not without faults. A gifted artist with many talents. A wonderful human being that was honest yet sincere. A man who lived life to the fullest and then some, who fought a horrific disease with a strength and dignity that will forever be remembered. A man who brought hope and inspiration to others who were ready to give in. A man whose dance, voice, acting and overall passion for whatever he undertook was always done with100% heart. RIP Patrick, gone from our sight but forever in our hearts. You will always be missed but never be forgotten. Til we meet again.
Love and hugs to you Lisa. I wish for you everything you wish for yourself. God Bless you
Hi Lisa, have you considered teaching dance – to adults?
There are many of us with dancers hearts trapped inside of busy lives, who would benefit from using movement to process emotion, rekindle joy, and become flexible again.
Maybe a video?
Just a thought!
Lilly
I would be first in line for such a video!
After my diagnosis of pancreatic cancer in March of 2012 and finding out last week that it’s moved to my lungs, I discovered the fox news video about this valiant struggle you’ve been waging.
I don’t believe in accidents and am fully aware that everything under the sun happens for a purpose.
As the owner of 11 websites and 3 blogs, I can think of nothing better than to use live-man-talking.com to raise awareness of this terrible disease and have made the choice to fight and at least use my “God given” talents to make a stand and if I must leave, to do so with a legacy of caring instead of complaining.
Thank you Lisa for your hard work. You are an inspiration to me.
All the best,
Paul
Love the title of your website!
Sorry! Backwards post!
I meant to ask if you had ever considered making an instructional dance video for busy adults, to process emotion, regain flexibility and have fun?
You are such an inspiration.
Thank you!
Debra
Hmm, I actually have some crazy ideas on this. Maybe I’ll share them later!
Hiya Lisa,
Haven’t written for a while I am sorry about that but I do think of you on a daily basis.
I am glad that although September 14 was hard and extremely sad for you that you also managed to celebrate Patricks life on his anniversary, always important to bring positives into a negative situation…I am so pleased you managed to get away to Florida for a few days too! I LOVE Florida…
Well I just wanted to drop you a quick line this eve to say hey and to say stay strong, keep smiling and keep fighting! ;o)
Much love and big hugs as always,
Joanna xxx
Lisa,
I think that I would have gotten along pretty well with your husband Patrick had I got to know him on a personal level. I hope to see my 61st birthday in November but if I do not, at least I hope I can leave the world a little better place than I found it.
I would never pretend to speak for your husband but I can speak for many of us out there who are so busy fighting this crazy disease that we forget about our caregivers in this respect. We sometimes forget that our loved ones sometime hide their wounds a lot better than we who have this disease.
I’m not so sure I even like the term caregivers but truth be told they (like you Lisa) “fight the good fight” too. I’m not so sure that my wife really has access to the support she needs as the one who tries to hold all of this stuff together so I can focus on the physical fight.
Please allow me to speak just today for Patrick when I say this as someone who’s just been given the news that I only have 4 or 5 more months here…
“Thank you for continuing the fight and for standing strong. You make a difference but you also have a life outside this dreaded disease. You have a right to carry on and to seek your own happiness. Continue this fight out of the dedication of finding a cure for this dreaded disease and not out of guilt for not doing enough. Let me go so that you can go on and do this important work. It’s ok to take a rest and to recharge.”
This is what I would say to my wife Beth. This is what I would say to my 2 daughters Liz and Lisa.
I want to thank you Lisa for drawing attention to Pancreatic cancer and standing for those of us who can not or would not have the strength, talent or tools to do so.
All the best,
Paul
Sorry Doc, I’m still here…
live-man-talking
I’m very moved. Thank you, Paul.
Dear Lisa,
I have been listening not reading the book “The time of my life”. I love you guys even more and yours and Patrick story is such a beautiful one. I am in aww and find myself sitting in the car in parking lots not wanting to get out and not wanting this story to end. I usually cry to hear Patrick’s heart felt story and passion in life and his love for you. I recently got divorced from the love of my life and grief everyday. I don’t want to move on without her and find myself waiting for her to come back everyday. We have been separated 3 times before and have always gotten back together. she does not realize how much I love her just like Patrick loved you soooo much.
Anyhow I am so happy that you guys had such a great life together and how well you got on and how great you were together. The horses, the wood work, the ranch, the barn, the saw dust in the apt makes my heart glow to know how grounded the 2 of you were.
I find a lot of Patrick’s vision, dedication, passion and virtues in me as well. I feel I need to do a lot more with my life. Working in a cooperate setting is just not going to cut it. If you need any help with your fight on Cancer you let me know and I will be glad to help out . I want to give back to this world for more than it has given to me.
Some would say you guys were very lucky to be in your position I say you stuck it out and worked hard to get where you wanted. I will buy your book next hopefully there is an audio for that too 🙂 and make you my companion “Buddy” in my car.
Good luck to you I am glad I found this blog. I will read through more later. I am at work and cannot stop thinking of the pain you deal with everyday and the pain you had to go through to see your Buddy suffer.
When a person dies they are gone the people left behind have to suffer the pain of loosing them. God willing you will get stronger everyday and pray for your happiness.
Thank you, Mekaiel. And sorry for the loss you are experiencing, too. It’s loss also, but in a different way.
thanks Lisa for your understanding.
I am at the part of the book where Buddy is talking about his Ghost role. I could not help but wonder if he comes back to you and try and communicate with you, trying to help you through your loss and helping you grief with it. Even if he does not it is a wonderful thought and I hope he is by your side even though not there physically.