There are times I am feeling soooo good, I’m thinking –
I’m so over it!!!
So over the pain, the grief, depression. It’s kinda like I’m that dancing figure online. You know, the one in the advertisement where they just got some great!! financing!!, or something, and the figure repeats the same happy-dance-move over and over and over.
So, I’m going along like that, and then out of nowhere, I’ll crash and burn. And suddenly, it’s like nothing has changed at all in these past few years, and it’s like my husband died just yesterday.
There was a period of time where I almost felt guilty when I felt good. There was this unexplainable fear that if I felt good, I’d be letting my loved one go, that I’d be forgetting about him. You know – my pain was somehow keeping him close to me.
In the months after he died, I thought bravery would be daring to be happy again. But then I found that some kind of feeling good was a necessity.
Eight to ten months into this loss, I thought I would surely die if things didn’t improve. My body was so trashed by being wrack with so much constant pain for so many, many months. I needed some kind of relief. Needed it, or I wouldn’t survive. Luckily, things did start to lighten a bit. Often, I would still crash and burn, terribly, but I was finally getting some relief!
And as time has gone on, I’ve been up on my dancing feet more and more often. And I’m amazed at how long I can feel good now. It’s gone from minutes, to hours, to days. Sometimes I forget that I can hurt so much, and it makes it even more surprising when I plummet and crash yet again.
I thought I was over it…
But like I once heard – the wound is still there, I’ve just learned to toughen up, building up a scar around it so that it doesn’t hurt every time I touch it. And still, sometimes the hurt rises from within.
In a strange way, I’ve started to adjust to these “up and down,” roller coaster cycles. I’ve come to accept that it isn’t something I can control, I just know that it’s coming my way. It’s coming, one way, or another. And so, to a great degree, I’ve stopped wondering, judging, and anticipating, and I just roll with it.
And when I wake in the morning, I do my best to be grateful for whatever may come my way.
And no doubt about it, I am grateful for whatever happiness I feel. And as someone once promised me – the better I have felt, the closer I’ve felt to my loved one, Patrick. For real this is true. I guess all that pain was getting in the way of feeling what’s really there. And what’s really there has been, and still is – really good.
And so, my little figure is upright and dancing. And many times my dance card is full, and sometimes I’m left sitting alone. And I’ll take it. I’ll take it all.
